The NonPerfect Elf and the HoleHating Hobbit
by Legolas stalker
Summary: If this story were a precious metal, it'd be tin foil. But hey, what other Mary-sue has a stalker elf, a pet warg, a Red Herring, or her own personal Samuel L. Jackson?
1. The Fall

Disclaimer: I own all of the LOTR characters except for Legolas (unfortunately), Aragorn, Gandalf, Gimli, Galadriel, Theoden, Eomer, Sam, Merry, Pippin...  
  
*continues on naming all the characters in LOTR*  
  
...and Treebeard. But besides those, I own 'em all. *big stupid grin*  
  
A/N: Arighty, dudes and dudettes, this is a new story I started on the last evening of my vacation. So, without further ado, I bring you the first chapter of:  
  
THE ADVENTURES OF LOTHUVIEL  
  
Told in Lothuviel's (my Elvish name) POV.  
  
P.S. This is NOT a Mary-Sue. It's a Mary-sue wannabe. In other words, I attempt to have Legolas fall in love with me, but he DOES NOT DO SO. Okay, all done now. Read on, good people of fanfiction.net!  
  
*****  
  
Chapter 1: The Fall  
  
"Lauren, get your arse in here right now! I'm starting the movie in ten seconds! 10... 9... 8... 7... er... the number that comes after seven..." I was getting pissed. Lauren had called me earlier that evening to ask to come over so we could watch Lord of the Rings together. She had interrupted my shower, the little cupcake. Mmm, my beloved Herbal Essences Fruit Fusions shampoo... My (gorgeous, long, blonde)* hair was still wet. I had had to put it up in a "towel turban".  
  
*Heheh, just kidding. Although my hair IS long... and blonde... and gorgeous... and I'm shutting up now.  
  
"Six! *Six* is the number after seven!! (A/N: Ooh, good job, Lauren) And I'm coming!!! Don't start it without me!" Lauren whined, running into my bedroom with a huge bowl of guacamole-flavored Doritos.  
  
"Fine. Gimme the loot." I grabbed the bowl out of her hands and pressed the "Play" button on the DVD player remote controller thingy ma bobber. "Hrm, let's see... ah yes. We'll start on chapter 23: "The Council of Elrond"."  
  
Lauren became even whineier (if that's possible). "Why do we always start on that chapter!?"  
  
"Because that's when Legolas says his first line, you twit," I explained in my oh-so smart voice as Elrond said, "Strangers from distant lands, friends of old..."  
  
"But I've forgotten how the movie starts!" she whined. "We've never watched it all the way through!"  
  
"LOOKIE!" I shrieked, pointing at the screen and completely ignoring her. "It's HIM!!! The elf of much hotness!" It was at the first little part where Legolas looks over at-  
  
"ARAGORN!!!" Lauren squealed, running up and hugging the TV. "He's so hot!"  
  
I rolled my eyes. "Why don't you kiss the friggin' screen, for cheese's sake?" I muttered.  
  
"Okay!" Lauren leaned in and kissed Aragorn on the "lips".  
  
I shook my head sadly. "You are so pathetic."  
  
"Why don't you kiss Legolas?" she asked sweetly. (She never was a bright one.) "You're overly obsessed with him anyway." (A/N: It's true. I keep any and all things Legolas that I find. Mine!! RARRR!!! *bites all hands that touch her precious Legolas pictures*)  
  
"OKAY!" I said happily. "Pause it!" The DVD was at the part where Legolas says, "He is no mere Ranger," and he had that hot yet angry look on his face.  
  
I giggled, then leaned towards the screen, completely forgetting what happens in all the fanfics when someone does something retarded like that. (Another A/N: Okay, so it's not retarded. Oh well.)  
  
ZZZZZZAP!!!  
  
I was sucked into the TV, with colors whirling all around me. I could hear Lauren saying, "Laura? Laaaa-ura! Where aaaaare you??"  
  
I looked in the direction that I assumed was down. I was over a forest, and I could see some people riding horses.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!... THONK."  
  
I landed with a... erm... THONK onto the back of one of the horses. "Erlack," I muttered. "My arse!!! It burnsss ussss!!"  
  
"My lady, are you alright?" a voice said.  
  
"Wha-?" I looked up. And then I shrieked. "LEGOLAS!!!" I screamed, pointing. But, being the smart person that I am, I had forgotten we were on a horse. The stupid animal bolted, and I flew back through the air.  
  
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" FWAM. "Ouch..." A tree had somehow appeared in my way.  
  
Someone came running up behind me. "My lady! My lady, are you alright?" The person flipped me over.  
  
I stared up into the bright blue eyes. "Leeeeeegolaaaaaaaasssss..." I mumbled, still a bit dazed. The man looked at me with a very bemused expression.  
  
"How did you know my name, my lady?"  
  
"Hot elf."  
  
"I'm sorry?"  
  
"Hoooot eeeelf," I spluttered. "Woof, my head hurts. Do you have any aspirin?"  
  
The man (who, if you haven't figured it out yet was Legolas), laid his hand on my forehead. The pain melted away within seconds. Ah, the wonders of elvish healing powers.  
  
"What is your name, my lady?" he asked softly.  
  
"Laura," I said, still staring stupidly at him.  
  
"Laura? That is an odd name for an elf."  
  
"I'm... not an elf," I said slowly.  
  
"I think you must have hit your head rather hard, my lady." Legolas helped me up and led me to a nearby stream. "You are delirious, saying that you are not an elf." He pointed to the water.  
  
I squinted and peered down. "YEEK!!!!" I screamed. I had *pointy ears*!!! "I'M AN ELF!!!!" I shrieked.  
  
Legolas winced and put his hands over his ears. "Um... yes you are. Now, what did you say your name was again?"  
  
I thought fast. "My name? Oh, you want to know my name. Um... yes. My name is... Lothuviel. Yes. Lothuviel is my name."  
  
"Lothuviel," he said, looking at me. "That is a lovely name."  
  
I grinned. "Thanks."  
  
"Well, as you know, I am Legolas Greenleaf. At your service," he said, bowing low and kissing my hand. He was so polite, and sexy, and hot, and princely, and...  
  
I looked down at him, then at my new body. Good god, I got TALL. I used to only be 5'0, but now I had to be at least 6'4! And I was *curvy*!! Yay!! (A/N: LOL Katie!!!) Then I looked down at my feet. They were bare! Then...  
  
"Whoopsies..."  
  
"What is wrong, Lothuviel?"  
  
"I'm... er, still in my PJs," I muttered, blushing. It was true. I was wearing a white tank top with my purple "Pampered Princess" silk printed PJ bottoms. And just then the wind started picking up. I shivered.  
  
"Wooo-weee, it's chillay, ain't it?" I said in a hick accent.  
  
"Yes, it is. Would you like to wear my cloak?" Legolas asked, pulling it off his shoulders.  
  
"That would be as good as ripe passionfruit," I said.  
  
Legolas blinked, then wrapped the cloak around my shoulders. "Come along, then. We are headed for Rivendell. Which reminds me," he said, turning around to face me, "where do you come from?"  
  
Crap. Crap crapty merde. Where *did* I come from? I struggled to remember my Middle-earth geography. "Errrr..." I said intelligently. "Well, the thing is, I can't remember." Damn, I thought. I've got to start talking like an elf so that I'll sound... like an elf.  
  
"You cannot remember?" Legolas asked with a confused look.  
  
"Alas, I cannot," I said sadly, "for I believe that I have suffered from amnesia." I pretended to weep into my hands. Hell, if I was in Middle- earth, why not try to snag the Prince of Mirkwood?  
  
He wrapped his arm around my "sobbing" shoulders and patted my arm. "There, there, Lothuviel. It is nothing to be ashamed of. You have been injured, and through much stress. You cannot help it." I looked up into his gorgeous blue eyes. It took all my strength to restrain myself from kissing him right then. "But come now," he continued with a kind, hot smile, "we are only a few miles from Rivendell, and you are cold. We shall get you some proper clothing, and a nice warm bed to sleep in."  
  
"Wanna join me?" I blurted out.  
  
He blinked and the smile disappeared. "Join you where?"  
  
#@&$%!!!! "Um... sorry. My mind wandered."  
  
That oh-so sexy smile returned. I had missed it. "'Tis alright. Let us go." And with that he leapt gracefully up onto his horse. I stood there, looking up at him. "Errr..."  
  
"Do you need some help, my lady?" one of the other elves said.  
  
"No, no. I am fine. Thank you, err..."  
  
"My name is Trelan, my lady," he said, bowing.  
  
I grinned. He wasn't half bad, either. "Well, Trelan, I thank you for your offer. But I am fine." So I, too, leapt up, but not quite as gracefully. "Crap," I muttered, barely hanging onto the horse's flank. But my knight in shining armor (i.e., Legolas) was there to help me. He grabbed my arm and pulled me up behind him. I grinned in what I hoped was a sexy way and said "Thank you" softly in his ear. He smiled, then urged his horse towards Rivendell.  
  
**Meanwhile, back in Indianapolis, IN...**  
  
"Laura? Laaaaa-ura!" Lauren sat calling at the still-paused TV screen.  
  
Laura's mother, hearing someone calling, walked into the room. "You ok, Lauren?" she asked.  
  
"Yep. I'm fine. Thanks." Lauren continued to stare at the screen and call Laura's name.  
  
Laura's mom blinked and sighed as she walked out of the living room. She always knew that Lauren girl wasn't right in the head...  
  
***** *claps hands excitedly* Wasn't that FUN!? Well, I thought so. So, now we all know what to do, right? See that wittle purple button? That's a good little purple button. You know you wanna press it! *big grin* 


	2. A very orcish encounter

Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR, blah blahdy blah pbbt...  
  
*****  
  
Chapter 2: A very orcish encounter  
  
I had been watching the back of Legolas' head for the last thirty minutes, and I *still* wasn't bored. I had never enjoyed long rides. Until now, that is.  
  
I looked over as Trelan rode up next to us. "How are you feeling, Lothuviel?" he asked.  
  
I smiled. "Better, thank you. Your kindness surpasses that of the most valiant elf, Trelan." I had no idea if that made sense or not. It must have, though, because he smiled. Or mayhap he was just freaked out... oh well. "These horses have such a smooth stride, I am quite surprised that I have not fallen asleep yet," I said after a while. I hated talking like that. I WANTED CUSSING!!!  
  
"Yes, the horses of Mirkwood are good beasts," Trelan said. Then he went into a long lecture about the horses, and I almost fell asleep. Actually, I *did* fall asleep.  
  
"Who is she?" I heard someone ask after a while. I decided to just keep on pretending I was still sleeping.  
  
"She told me her name is Lothuviel, my lord. I know it sounds insane, but it seems that she just... fell out of the sky!"  
  
I recognized Legolas' voice. It sounded like it was over me. I slowly looked up*, and realized that my hotty elf was carrying me. Excellent, I thought. Mwahahahahaaa. I snuggled deeper into his arms, and sighed quietly. *Remember, elves sleep with their eyes open.  
  
"Was she hurt?" asked the other voice.  
  
"I am not sure. But I believe she might be suffering from amnesia," Legolas answered.  
  
"Very well then. Take her up to one of the guest rooms. I shall go and tend to her in a few minutes." Aha! Duh! How could I be so stupid! Rivendell + "my lord" = Elrond! I'm so good at math.  
  
Once I felt my body being lowered onto a bed, I "woke up". "Where am I?" I whispered. Haha. I should be an actress.  
  
Legolas smiled. "You are in the house of Elrond, Lothuviel. He shall heal you."  
  
I blinked. "The house?"  
  
He looked at me with a very disturbed expression. "...No, Lord Elrond shall heal you."  
  
"Oh yeah." Crap. "I mean yes. Yes, I remember now." Just then Elrond came into the room. The first things I noticed were his eyebrows. Lauren calls them "the magical eyebrows of DOOM." I giggled.  
  
"What is so funny?" Elrond asked in a slightly irritated voice.  
  
"Magical eyebrows of DOOM!" I yelled, then burst out laughing. I was laughing so hard that I was crying. Through my tears I could see Legolas and Elrond shoot each other slightly bemused looks.  
  
"My lord, she's not feeling well," Legolas said hurriedly. "Please forgive her."  
  
I started laughing harder. Oh god, I had made myself hyper. Elrond sighed disgustedly, then laid a hand on my forehead. Instantly the room swirled around me.  
  
"Oooh, purdy colors," I mumbled. Then I was out cold.  
  
*****  
  
When I woke up, a woman was leaning over me and dressing me in a nightgown. "Hey, hey, hey, watch the hands, Cleopatra," I muttered.  
  
"I'm sorry, my lady," the maid said hurriedly. "You slept through dinner, and I figured that you would not wake up before morning."  
  
My eyes grew wide. "I... missed... dinner!?" I squeaked. "No!" I missed the food! I wanted something to eat!  
  
"It is alright, my lady. I brought you some," she said, and pointed to a platter loaded with food.  
  
"Din-din!" I said happily, and quickly dug in.  
  
*****  
  
I woke up a few hours later to a bright, clear morning. Damnit.  
  
"Ugh, stupid sun," I mumbled into my pillow and rolled over. "Agh!" A conveniently placed mirror reflected the light back onto my face. "Damn, damn, DAMN!!" I bellowed into the pillow.  
  
As I was chewing out the sun, someone came into my room. I looked up and watched as the maid walked up next to the bed.  
  
"My lady, wake up."  
  
"I'M AWAKE!!!" I yelled in her face. She stepped back, completely shocked. I decided the best thing to do was... LIE SOME MORE!! YAY!! "Oh dear! I'm so sorry!" I said in a trembling voice. "I just hate being woken up in the morning! It is not you, I promise!"  
  
"It is well, my lady," the maid said, patting my arm. Jeez, are all elves obsessed with my arms or something? "I just came in to wake you up for breakfast."  
  
"Thank you, erm..." I need to know your name, oh cleaning lady of much intelligence.  
  
"Fiwen," she said with a smile. "If you need anything, just call me. There are gowns in the closet, makeup is on that counter over there, and the bathroom is just through that door." And with that she was gone.  
  
"Arighty then," I said, rubbing my hands together. "Time to get elfisized." I jumped out of the bed, nightgown a-flying, and ran to the closet. Slowly I opened the doors, and my eyes became huge. "So... many... colors..." Row upon row of dresses was laid out before my eyes. Every color imaginable was available, from black (ooh, a GOTH elf! Haha, cool!) to the purest color of white.  
  
"Hrm..." I said thoughtfully. "Let's go with... a nice girly shade of... purple!" I made my way down to the purple "aisle". Now there were about twenty more choices. I could either go with a nice lavender (which was so light it was practically white) or a deep royal purple. I decided to go with the lavender. Now, light, medium, or dark? I went with dark.  
  
So, after spending a quarter of an hour just picking out a dress, I rushed out of the closet and tore off the nightgown. I hurriedly put on the dress, then rushed back to the closet to find some shoes. I grabbed the first pair of sparkly silver-colored ones I found. Then I dashed back out to the vanity thingy and put on a bit of rouge and some mascara. I ran a comb through my hair (which had become even longer, and was now almost white it was so blonde), and put a flower-shaped pin in it.  
  
"All done!" I said, quickly admiring myself in a full-length mirror. Then I skipped to the door, singing the "I feel pretty" song from "Anger Management". I threw it open, causing it to hit someone right in the shnozz. (Nose) Um, oops?  
  
"Ohmygawd!" I exclaimed quickly. "I am so, so, so, so SO sorry. OHMYGAWD!" It was Legolas. Crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap...  
  
He smiled from behind his hand, which was covering his poor face. "It is well, Lothuviel. You were just in a hurry," he said, rubbing his nose. "I've come to escort you down to breakfast, since you probably do not know the way."  
  
"I am so sorry," I said in a trembling whisper. Way to go, Laura. Nice way to make a first impression on the hottest guy in the whole wide universe. "Are you alright?"  
  
He took his hand away from his face. "I think I will live," he said with a smile. His nose looked perfect... as usual. I sighed in relief, then took his arm, which he had offered out to me.  
  
'Take that, you rabid fangirls,' I thought to myself. 'I'm here fraternizing with a hot elf from Middle-earth and you're stuck back there on real earth with just pictures of him. I win!' It was just then that I realized I had been laughing out loud. Crap.  
  
"Does something amuse you?" Legolas asked. Awwww, he's so polite!  
  
I shook my head quickly. "No, no. I'm just, err, remembering something that happened a few years ago. Yes." I have a habit of saying "Yes" at the end of every statement I make when I'm nervous. In case you didn't notice.  
  
"Ah, I see. Well, here we are." We walked through an arched door thingy and into a really, really, REALLY big hall. Several long tables were lined up to make one giant one. Elves were seated all up and down it, apparently waiting for something.  
  
As I took my seat, all of the elves looked up at me. I grinned and wiggled my fingers in greeting. "Hello!" I said happily. They scowled, then turned to look at Elrond, who was seated a few seats to my left.  
  
"Cheerful bunch, aren't they?" I mumbled to myself.  
  
"They were waiting for us. We were late," Legolas whispered in my ear. Damn that elvish hearing. It's too good for its own... good.  
  
"Well, they've all waited a few thousand years. You'd think that they could wait a few minutes," I murmured back. He seemed to take this offensively, because he straightened up and didn't speak to me for the rest of the meal. The poo-head. The hot poo-head. The really hot poo-head. The really, really hot poo-head.  
  
After breakfast I talked to him. Then he gave me a lecture about how "immortality should not be taken lightly. It was a gift from the Valar", and stuff like that. I didn't listen. I just nodded. Kids, that's the best way to pretend that you're paying attention. Just smile and nod and say "Uh-huh" at any possible time. Believe me, I have experience.  
  
So Legolas yakked on for a few more minutes. I didn't care, though, just as long as it was he doing the yakking. He had such a hot voice. I said, "I am sorry," whenever I could.  
  
Finally he forgave me. "Would you like to go out riding this morning?" he asked.  
  
"Sure, why not?" I said cheerfully. We were going to do something I actually knew how to do AND enjoyed.  
  
"Very well. First we need to get you a horse, and-"  
  
"Er, might I go get changed?" I asked politely.  
  
He smiled. Mmm, yummy elfy lips. "Of course. I shall meet you down in the stables."  
  
"Okie dokie artichokie," I said, then realized that most elves *probably* don't say things like that. Legolas blinked, then shook his head and walked in the opposite direction.  
  
Damn, damn, DAMN I'm so stupid. I sprinted back to my room. After 15 minutes and four wrong turns I finally reached it. I slammed the door behind me and dashed to the closet and pulled out the first tunic and leggings I saw. I threw them on then raced down to the stables.  
  
When I got there, Legolas was talking to Trelan. Hrm, I thought. Two hotties, all to myself. Mwahahahahaaaaa...  
  
I was interrupted from my evil moment by Trelan. "So, you are going to find yourself a horse, Lothuviel?" he asked.  
  
"Yes. I am excited, for I love riding horses," I said in that stupid formal way of talking.  
  
"Would you like to join us, Trelan?" Legolas asked.  
  
"Of cour-"  
  
"NO!" I said without thinking. They both stared at me with questioning looks. "Er- I mean, I am sure you have much better things to do, right, my friend?" I asked him sweetly.  
  
Trelan hesitated. "Well, yes, I suppose so..."  
  
"That is too bad," Legolas said in a disappointed voice. "But you have duties to attend to. Farewell, Trelan!" he called as he walked out of the stable.  
  
"Oh that's a shame. Yep. Well then we'll just be on our way. Yeah, I'm going with Legolas. Bye!" I waved and ran out the door after Legolas.  
  
He led me to a clearing in the middle of the woods, about a mile outside of Rivendell. Then he held up his hand to tell me to stop. "Just whistle loudly and wait," he told me.  
  
I looked at him like he was mad. What were we going to ride, dogs? But I did like the smart, hot elf prince said and whistled. Or tried to. It kind of came out as a raspberry. "Erm... let me try that again," I said in an embarrassed voice. I attempted to whistle several more times.  
  
Finally I managed to get it right. A whistle so shrill that it hurt my new ears passed my lips and echoed through the forest. Almost instantly I heard the thundering of hooves far away. Soon a beautiful black horse with a white blaze on its forehead trotted through the trees towards me. He was gorgeous. A white stocking was on each of his feet, and his tail was long and flowing.  
  
"Ah, Erregroth has chosen you," Legolas told me. "I am surprised. Rarely does such a wild horse let a woman ride him."  
  
"He chose *me*?" I asked.  
  
"Of course. The elf does not pick the horse. The horse picks the elf," Legolas explained. Then he, too, whistled, and a tall, gray horse cantered up to him. "My horse's name is Hyarmenas," he told me.  
  
"They're both lovely!" I said happily. I love horses. They're so prettyful!  
  
"Yes they are," he said, leaping up onto Hyarmenas' back. Somehow, I managed to do the same. Then he leaned down and whispered something in elvish in the horse's ear. Hyarmenas took off like a shot, leaving me and Erregroth to stare at his retreating form.  
  
"Erm... yeeeeah. What he said," I told the horse. It just turned around and shook its head at me. "Well don't just stand there, go!" I said, nudging him with my knees. He wouldn't even budge. "Damnit, what was it that Arwen says in the movie? Oh yeah!" I leaned down. "Erm, noro lim?" I said tentatively.  
  
Erregroth sprang to life and galloped away in the direction that Legolas had gone. Surprisingly, I hadn't fallen off... yet. (Cue foreboding music.)  
  
Soon I was riding next to Legolas. Ah, what fun! I laughed out loud with joy. We began talking about all kinds of things, from horses to our favorite foods.  
  
"So what made you travel all the way from Mirkwood to Rivendell, Prince Legolas?" I asked sweetly.  
  
"I am simply delivering a message from my father to Lord Elrond," he told me. "Relationships between Mirkwood and Rivendell are strained, and Lord Elrond and my father do not get along very well."  
  
"Oh, I see," I said, since I couldn't think of anything else to say. Suddenly-  
  
"Lothuviel!" Legolas cried. I turned around to look at him.  
  
"I'm sorry? What is-"  
  
FWAM!!!  
  
Oh, a branch! How convenient. How dare it grow right where my head was?  
  
All of the air was knocked out of my lungs, and I fell off of Erregroth backwards. Hyarmenas came very close to running over me, but fortunately, Legolas cared enough to make him not do so. What a champ. He swerved to the right and stopped about twenty feet ahead of me.  
  
"Uggghhh," I mumbled, sitting up. "Wha happened?" I looked at Legolas, who was coming towards me. Suddenly he stopped, and quicker than I could follow, he had taken his bow off of his shoulder and nocked an arrow.  
  
"Stay where you are, Lothuviel!" he cried.  
  
"Why? What'd I do?" I asked. "Surely I do not deserve to be shot!" Then I heard a snarling noise behind me. Slowly I turned around.  
  
"Oh shit," I muttered.  
  
More than twenty big orcs were standing behind me, their swords drawn. The biggest one, which was in front, snarled and put its blade to my neck.  
  
"Lower your bow," it growled at Legolas. "We will not harm the she-elf if you let us pass."  
  
My all (Legolas, duh) hesitated, then slowly put his bow and quiver on the ground. Yay! I thought. He loves me! He just doesn't realize it yet. But he will. We shall be married, and make passionate love by moonlight... Oh wait. I'm about to be killed by orcs. Hrm, that could be a problem...  
  
"Do not do this for me!" I cried out dramatically. "To let such fell beasts go free is folly! It is not worth the life of one insignificant maiden!" An insignificant maiden that is beautiful, and smart, and athletic and you know you want her so damn badly, I added mentally.  
  
The lead orc grabbed my hair and pulled my head back. He pushed his blade closer to my neck, causing me to start bleeding. Then he signaled to the others, who then took their own swords and pointed them at my heart.  
  
"Let us pass," they all growled.  
  
Legolas looked from me to the orcs, then slowly backed away from the path.  
  
"Forget about me!" I cried. Well, actually don't, I thought, 'cause you know you love me. "Just kill them! I am not worth it." Yes I am. You know you want me. Then, through the trees, I could make out the forms of a few people with bows. Yay, I'm saved!  
  
The lead orc tugged harshly on my hair. "Shut up!" it growled.  
  
"Let go, you smelly orc!" I spat angrily. "My hair is lovely and it took lots and lots of shampoo to get it as beautiful as it is now. SO LET GO!" I elbowed him between the legs, giving Legolas a chance to pick up his bow and arrows.  
  
Suddenly four more elves burst into the clearing, shooting arrows into all of the orcs' throats. I picked up a sword and did a Xena cry, then killed another one. Within minutes they were all dead, leaving me among a pile of stinky orc carcasses.  
  
"Well, that is enough adventure for one day," I said airily, then fainted.  
  
*****  
  
Well, wasn't that exciting? I'm having fun with this. Heheh. Oh, by the way, this is supposed to be before the LOTR trilogy. Yeah, so Legolas was just kind of running an errand for his father. Que dramatico, no? Heheh.  
  
Anon: Sorry, I have a really bad habit of sticking author's notes in at random places. I did my best not to put any in this chapter.  
  
aquitaineq: Alas, but if I fall in love with someone, it would be...  
  
DUN DUN DUN!!!!  
  
*A MARY SUE!!!*  
  
AHHHH!!!! *runs away screaming*  
  
I'm glad you like it. :)  
  
Carmina Burana (the OTHER Laura): LOL. Yes, 'twas fun, fun, fun for me, too! Yay, hot elves! Hope you liked this chapter, too! :)  
  
P.S. Sorry, I don't know if orcs really live around Rivendell or not. I just wanted to put something adventurous in there. Okay, all done now. 


	3. Yay! Authors notes rule!

*does peace sign* Greetings, earthlings!!!  
  
I have returned from that awful place known as... *shifty eyes, shudders*  
  
St. Louis. *big light-up sign says GASP and all the readers go GASP*  
  
Good job. Anywho, I'm still alive, and that's what matters. Cause I know that you all would miss me if I died, right?  
  
...  
  
*crickets chirping*  
  
...  
  
*scowls* Poo heads.  
  
OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!! I SAW "PIRATES OF THE CARIBEAN"!!! *squeals* OMG!!! Orlando was SO HOT!!! *faints* But holy crap, to all of you who have seen it, THAT MONKEY SCARED ME SHITLESS!!!  
  
*grabs trusty butterfly net and puts Legolas in a giant jar marked "Silvanus Prince Hotus"* Goodbye, my love! I'm off to find... erm... my other love! *kisses jar, skips off*  
  
~*One Year Later*~  
  
*lugs in big canvas bag. Bag is squirming*  
  
I have succeeded!!! *pulls out sharpie marker and writes "Williamus Hotus Turnerus" on a different jar* Come our darling, I won't bite... much!! *cackles, pulls Will Turner out of bag*  
  
Will: Mother... O.o...  
  
Me: Teeeeeheeeee!!!  
  
Will: I want Elizabeth.  
  
Me: *gets all scary like Galadriel* You won't be seeing Elizabitch anymore!!! *cackles*  
  
~*Flashback*~  
  
Me: *knocks on big door to mansion* Oooh Elizabitch—I mean, Elizabeth! It's me, your long-lost sister, Laurel Swan! (I wish my name was Laurel instead of LaurA)  
  
Elizabeth: *opens door* I have a sister?  
  
Me: *pulls out bazooka* Um, no. *shoots and cackles*  
  
~*End Flashback*  
  
Will: Dear God...  
  
Me: Heheheheheheheee!!!  
  
Legolas: *rolls eyes* You're never satisfied, are you?  
  
Me: *opens Legolas' jar and strokes his lovely hair* Noperoonies. I am a member of JAMS. Jarred Awesome Movie Stars. I, of course, am the president. *puts lid back on jar and climbs up on Will's jar. Sits down Indian-style* Although, I just made it up last night... so there aren't many members... just me... oh well. *looks thoughtful, then shrugs and punches holes in jar lid after noticing that Will has passed out from lack of oxygen*  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Okay, end of crap. Now on to the important stuff.  
  
WILL TURNER IS MINE!!! I CLAIM HIM!!! To complete my collection I must wait until next year when "The Calcium Kid" and "Troy" come out in theatres... both, of course, starring Orlando. Although, in "Troy", he has sex with someone who isn't me, so I might not go to see it. Cause that would just make me sad. *big retarded grin*  
  
*blinks* This A/N had a purpose, and I can't remember what it was... my rambling has caused me to forget it.  
  
OH YEAAAAHH!!! I just wanted you all to know that I'm home for a week. Yay! Then I'm going to Camp Barbee. Double cool with knobs. No, it is NOT Camp Barbie, like the doll. It is Camp BarbEE, with the emphasis on the BEE. Anyhap, the day after I get home from CB I'm headed to Kentucky (Hicksville, USA) for my church's mission trip. (No offense to all you Kentuckeyians. The Bluegrass State is cool. I'm proud of myself for knowing that that is your nickname. Also, you lot have really good horses, and THAT is something to be proud of.  
  
So, anywhoo, I'm home. If any of you guys e-mailed me and/or reviewed, sorry I didn't respond. I couldn't for obvious reasons (1. my grand 'rentals don't have a computer and 2. I don't like you. Teehee, j/k.). If I'm not as perky as I usually am (although I'm hyper right now), it's because I came within an inch of death. Yes, you almost lost your favorite authoress. (You: HAHAHAHAHA!!!)  
  
I nearly died from boredom (grand 'rents again) and itchyness (jellyfish stings). But it's all good now because I have returned!  
  
Well I'm almost donje. Just a couple more things.  
  
To anyone who offered me help with ROTK: Thank you guys SO MUCH!!! I totally appreciate it. Basically I don't understand why Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli, etc. go on the Path of the Dead. Also, I don't get... erm... well basically the whole book. *blushes sheepishly* Please don't throw things at me! Eep!! *runs away as everyone brings out tomatoes*  
  
So yeah, if you would be willing to do something like write me an overview of all the parts with Legolas & Co. in them, I will love you forever (in a friendly way, of course). Also a little surprise will be in store for you! ^__^ Teehee!  
  
To my reviewers: Ooooh, Thankies so muchies! *huggles her reviewers* I lurve you all! X-D  
  
To Mr. Orlando Bloom: If you, by whatever chance, ever read my stories (although I don't know why you would) I apologize for making you and the characters you play look like fools. I am just a (beautiful, blonde- haired, green-eyed, funny, lovely, smart, cute) fangirl. My address is...  
  
Crystyna: Thankies so muchies to you especialies! Heheh! You's a cool person, and I love talkin' to you 'bout our favorite elf, actor, blacksmith, etc. And I might stick a GIRL (not an elf :-P) named Christina (with I's, not Y's, sorry) in my story if I'm feeling especially nice.  
  
To Mr. Bloom again: Thank you for being so hot.  
  
Ok, I think that's all! Toodle-loo! I shall write while I'm at home AND while I'm at camp, and on the mission trip if I get the chance! Cheers!  
  
~*Laura*~  
  
P.S. Mwah! Almost forgot. *picks up giant jars and puts them in her bedroom* My hotties!  
  
P.P.S. I love you all!  
  
P.P.P.S. Kenny Chesney's song "Big Star" rocks!  
  
P.P.P.P.S. Yes I listen to country music. You got a problem with that? *threatens with fist* Good. 


	4. Red Herring

Weeeeee!! Here we go again!! Broop! Mwahahaha I am on a sugar high! Weeee!! *spins in computer chair* Let's go! *booty dance*  
  
One more thing. The bestest part of the movie is when Johnny Depp says this to Orlando:  
  
"She's all safe like I promised, she's all set to marry the commodore like she promised, and you're all set to die for her like you promised. So we are all actually men of our word...except for Elizabeth who is, in fact, a woman." ~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
When I woke up I was back in my bedroom. Again. There were several elves standing around, and one had been leaning over me. I looked up and saw that it was Elrond. Oh joy.  
  
Just at that moment someone walked into the room. I saw a glimpse of blonde hair, and then my all was at my bedside. He *did* care!  
  
He asked me, "Lothuviel, how are you feeling?"  
  
So I said, "Hhhnnnnnggggghh," which translates to "Like crap, duh."  
  
Legolas smiled. "At least you are awake. Now I must apologize to you."  
  
"Why?" I asked. Because you love me? Well, I already knew that...  
  
He looked ashamed. "I put your life in danger. It was foolish of me."  
  
Awww, how sweet! "I thank thee for your kindness, Legolas, but the apology was not needed. It was my own stupidity that made me fall off of my horse. It was no fault of yours."  
  
He smiled and patted my hand. Ahhh. "I shall leave you now. You must rest."  
  
I frowned, but nodded and snuggled down under the sheets.  
  
Nothing major really happened over the next couple of days. Legolas and Trelan came to see me often (the dears), and Fiwen took care of me. I, of course, was confined to my bed. Thank God (or gods) I was allowed to get out of there soon.  
  
I was sitting in my room one night and scheming. I *had* to win my lover elf over.  
  
But how?  
  
I thought and thought until my poor little brain ached. But then a (very dim) lightbulb appeared over my head and I grinned evilly. Think of the Grinch.  
  
I had to have...  
  
DUNDUNDUN!!!  
  
A... oh crap what were they called? Some kind of fish or something... like Red Herring. Yes, we'll call it a Red Herring.  
  
It was a perfect plan! Simply get another elf dude to drool over me to make Legolas jealous! What could possibly go wrong!?  
  
So now I needed to find my RH. And I had just the guy. Mwahahahahaa.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Greetings, friend Trelan," I called quietly as I walked into the library. My RH-to-be looked up from the parchment he was writing on and smiled. "Good day, my lady. It is good to see that you are feeling better."  
  
"Yes, thanks to the healing skills of Lord Elrond I am as good as new," I said as I sat down next to him. "I have a question for you, if you would not mind answering it."  
  
"Anything, Lothuviel."  
  
"Tonight is the big summer feast, obviously, and I was wondering if I might speak to you in private."  
  
"Of course. When would you like to talk?"  
  
"Meet me by the fountain in the garden right after dinner," I murmured, not wanting the other elves to overhear and ruin my perfect plan.  
  
"Very well," he said with a smile. "I shall do so."  
  
"Eeeexcellent," I said out loud. Trelan stared at me and blinked. "Er, I mean, thank you." I got up and walked towards the door, feeling like the idiot that I am.  
  
"Lothuviel?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
He stood up and walked over. "Will you allow me to escort you to the feast tonight? I would be honored if you would."  
  
I grinned. I am a boy magnet. "I would love that," I said. He was so nice. I walked out the door, my mood much lighter.  
  
When I reached my bedroom, it was 3:00 in the afternoon according to my watch. *gasp* Only four hours to get ready!  
  
I skipped into the bathroom and filled the bathtub with hot water and tons of bubble bath. I hopped in, singing "Hot in Herre" by Nelly. Oh, how I missed modern-day music.  
  
"But no," I said out loud. "I must focus on my evil plan." I poured some shampoo into my hand and scrubbed it into my hair, cackling evilly.  
  
A few minutes later I jumped back out of the bath and made my way towards the vanity. So much primping stuff! But the Elves of Rivendell lack the knowledge of one wonderful thing: a little invention called the razor. I dug through all the drawers, searching for one. Nada. Zilch. Zippo. Sheesh. Not a single one. Other 15-year-old girls will realize how incredibly pooey this makes your day if you need to shave. Although now I was about 1500. But that's not the point. Now I had to resort to something else. Pain.  
  
I lifted the jar of leg wax out of the drawer like it was some sort of toxin. Of course they have leg wax, you silly! Elf women can't walk around with hairy legs!  
  
To make a long story short, I ended up with teary eyes and pink (but hairless) legs.  
  
Now time to get dressed. I had to pick the most revealing garment possible. That would catch some attention. I limped/waddled to the closet on account of my legs, and made my way towards the red dresses. The one I chose was a rich reddish-burgendy color, sort of like red wine. It was VERY low cut and fairly tight. The skirt flared out a bit at the bottom, enough so that I could have easily hidden a bazooka or two under it if need be. Two words could sum it up.  
  
Incredibly sexy.  
  
I slipped on some matching shoes then went to admire myself in the mirror. My jaw dropped. After I managed to pick it up off the ground, I said, "Ohmygawd. I look like a hooker!" and ran back to the closet. No way was I going to the dance looking like that. I walked down the rows of dresses, and decided to go with a beautiful sky blue one. It was appropriate, yet still begging for attention. After I put on some matching silver jewelry, sparkly silver shoes and makeup, I went back to the vanity from hell to do my hair. A wave here and there, and then I was almost finished. The final touch was a thin silver circlet I had found in a jewelry box. I went to the mirror and grinned. I looked lovelay!  
  
I squealed and twirled around, loving the way the skirt went POOF. I practically floated to the door and opened it, only to find Trelan standing there with his hand raised, about to knock. I smiled as his eyebrows went up and he looked me over. Teeeheee.  
  
"You look exceptionally beautiful tonight, mellon nin," he said, kissing my hand. I admire honesty.  
  
"And you look wonderfully handsome, Trelan," I commented. he really did. His tunic was a forest green color and his leggings were a nice deeper shade of green. His hair was braided like Legolas' always was. Elves are very stylish people, you know.  
  
Trelan smiled and offered out arm, which I took hold of. Operation Snitch An Elf had commenced.  
  
"I am pleased that I could escort you to the feast, Lothuviel," Trelan said as we made our way down a flight of stairs. "It isn't every day that I have the most beautiful elf in Rivendell on my arm."  
  
Good lord.  
  
I smiled uneasily and said, "Heh heh... erm... yes. Thank you. I am honored to have such a handsome man escorting me..." What was I saying?  
  
When we reached the entrance to the Hall of Fire (the really, really, REALLY big place, if you forgot), Legolas was waiting. My heart skipped a beat. Was he waiting for little old me? I hadn't seen him at all that day, and my level of hotty elfishness had gone way down. He was wearing that incredibly hot silvery blue tunic that he wore in Lothlorien in the movie. I think I might have drooled.  
  
When he saw me, instead of giving me a small smile like he usually did, he beamed. "Well, I am thrilled to see you are feeling well tonight, Lothuviel," he said in a genuinely happy voice. "You look beautiful." Oh GODDDDDD!!!!  
  
"Yes. As I told Trelan earlier today, I am glad to be up and about," I managed to say without slurring. If my Legolas is happy, then I'm happy.  
  
Legolas looked from me to Trelan. They exchanged a smile. I could have imagined it (I hope to God I didn't), but I think my sylvan prince may have winked at my RH. As Trelan led me through the door, I... erm... "accidentally" brushed my arm against Legolas. Hint hint, lover boy.  
  
Over all, the feast went beautifully. Lots of really cute elves asked me to dance, and of course I couldn't refuse. Although my feet hurt quite a bit afterwards. I think I may have gotten slightly drunk, too. Not that anyone noticed. They were as drunk as... really drunk elves compared to me. I couldn't help but notice that Legolas consumed a fair amount of the elvish wine. Oh great. My future husband was practically a drunk.  
  
I decided that maybe a dance would make him feel better. So I sidled (okay, okay, stumbled) over to him. Before my very eyes he became instantly sober. Instead of shouting "Hey sexy!" as I had hoped, he simply said, "Hello Lothuviel. Are you enjoying yourself?"  
  
"I am. But would be even more pleased if you would dance with me." Oh please, oh please, oh PLEASE!!!  
  
"I would be honored," my prince said with a bow. He took my hand (yay!) and led me onto the dance floor. I thought I would faint when he put his hand on my waist. After ten seconds of sheer bliss, I remembered that I was supposed to put my hand on his shoulder. I had never been good at ballroom dancing, but I guess my elvish grace helped me. I managed not to step on his feet at all.  
  
"You are a very good dancer, Lothuviel," he told me as the music ended. I was about to cry when he let go of my waist. He kissed my hand for no apparent reason (not that I'm complaining) and we walked back to where Trelan was waiting. The *he* wanted to dance, too. Sheesh. But how could I refuse someone who called me the most beautiful elf in Rivendell? I couldn't. So I walked right back out there and danced some more.  
  
"I hope you have not forgotten our meeting," I said quietly as we danced.  
  
"I have not. I have promised one maiden a dance, but after that I shall meet you down by the fountain," he told me.  
  
"Very well. I shall see you then," I said as the music ended.  
  
He smiled and I walked out the door, pleased that my plan was going so well.  
  
Once I reached the fountain I decided my poor feet needed a break. So I sat down on the ledge and looked into the water. There were some cute little minnows swimming about in it. "Hello, little fishies," I said, sticking the tip of my finger into the water. I trailed my finger along, spelling out a certain name that starts with L and ends with egolas.  
  
Just then Trelan came down the path. He smiled when he saw me waiting. "Hello again," I said, and beckoned for him to sit down next to me.  
  
"Now, what did you wish to speak with me about?"  
  
I sighed and started my little speech that I had been practicing. "Trelan, you are a good friend of mine. I would trust you with my deepest secret."  
  
"I don't understand."  
  
I hesitated, then told him. "I am in love with Legolas," I muttered.  
  
He looked at me, then laughed quietly. "I knew it."  
  
"What!?"  
  
"It is quite obvious that you are attracted to him, Lothuviel. You stare at him when he walks by, and you seem entranced every time he speaks."  
  
"Oh gods..." I put my face in my hands.  
  
Trelan patted my shoulder. "It is well, though. Legolas is completely oblivious to the fact that you are in love with him."  
  
"Oh... well then you can help me," I said, perking up.  
  
"In what way?" he asked. I told him about my RH plan, and how I needed his help. He grinned. "I do not see why that would not work. Very well, I shall help you."  
  
"Oooh, thank you Trelan!" I squealed, and wrapped my arms around his neck in a hug. "Er... sorry."  
  
He smiled and stood up. "Is that all?"  
  
"Yes. Thank you again." I took his hand that he had offered to me, and together we walked back into the hall. 


	5. Operation Red Herring Commences

The next morning I woke up early. And I mean, early. The sun was just barely coming over the horizon, and I couldn't go back to sleep. So I hopped out of bed and put on a casual green dress. I planned to go out to explore Rivendell that day. I had spent most of my time there so far stalking Legolas, but decided that I should probably try to see the city if I was going to be there for a while.  
  
I quietly opened my door and walked down the hall, grabbing an apple out of a decorative fruit bowl. I happily munched on my breakfast and strode out the door of the Hall of Fire outside.  
  
The gardens and woods around the palace were gorgeous. Everywhere there were bright colored flowers, huge bushes with even more flowers, and huge old trees. It was like... really cool. There were several little streams that went through the gardens, and a bunch of those stone bridges going over them. 'Twas so oh-so quaint. In one place I found a maze type thing. I walked through it and, in all of my brilliance, quickly got lost. Oh great. Now I that I'm this close to getting the love of my life, I hafta go off and die in a garden, I thought angrily.  
  
I walked around for about fifteen minutes, finally giving up and sitting on a bench that was in a dead-end path. I looked up. Above there were the branches of a tulip tree, completely covered in pretty white and pink flowers. I stood up on the bench and plucked one off and put it in my hair, loving the yummy floral smell it gave off. I laid down on the bench again, staring up at the tree and the blue sky in the background.  
  
Suddenly I heard footsteps coming up the path. I sat up quickly and watched as a blonde head looked around the corner.  
  
"Hello Lothuviel," Legolas said with a smile.  
  
"Greetings," I managed to say. All alone with my prince lost in a maze. Does life get any better? "I lost my way in the gardens, and couldn't find anyone to help me. So I decided to stay here and enjoy the beauty around me."  
  
"Do you mind if I join you?" he asked. I shook my head, finding myself unable to speak, and scooted down on the bench. He sat down and we started talking about the beautiful scenery. Every time he would look away I scooted closer to him.  
  
"Oh, look at this lovely tulip tree (scoot scoot). I see you have put a flower from it in your hair. It makes you look even more beautiful," he said quietly. I stopped and my eyes got huge.  
  
"Thank you," I squeaked.  
  
He smiled that oh-so lickable smile. "You are very welcome," he said. "Lothuviel, I must tell you something."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I had noticed that you and Trelan disappeared last night at around the same time, and arrived back at the feast together. I also noticed that you had been holding his hand."  
  
"Yeeeees..."  
  
"The truth is, when I saw you together, it made me incredibly jealous. I tried to be happy, but I could not manage it. Instead, I found myself wishing that Trelan would disappear."  
  
"Oh..." Okay, this was a little unexpected...  
  
"I suppose what I am trying to say is..." He faltered, then took my hand in his. "Lothuviel, I love you," he whispered. Then he leaned forward and kissed me on the lips. Oh GODDDDDDDDD!!!! my mind screamed. And that was VERY unexpected!!! But hell, I had achieved my mission!!! So I did what any sensible, reasonable person would do in such a situation. I kissed him right back. Hey, can you blame me?!  
  
Soon this wasn't just wasn't any old kiss. This was full-frontal snogging, and then... well... let's just say that Leggy and me went French. Mwahahahahahaaa. Slowly he pushed me backwards onto the bench, and I, in all of my elvish gracefulness... fell off of it. *sigh*  
  
"Errrgghh..." I looked towards the bench. "Hey, where'd Legolas go... and... oh crap."  
  
"Lothuviel, you were asleep. You must have been dreaming," someone said. I sighed.  
  
"Do you purposefully follow me around, Trelan darling?" I asked. I could tell he was smirking. I looked up and glared at him.  
  
"I was just wondering if you knew where Legolas was?" he said, still smiling in an irritating way.  
  
"I do not know where he is, but I shall help you find him if you'd like," I said.  
  
"Would you like to test your plan, too?" Trelan asked.  
  
"If you are willing."  
  
"Then come. There is an elf prince waiting to fall in love with you." I chuckled and took his arm that he had offered out to me.  
  
We looked all around Rivendell for Legolas, but there wasn't a sign of him anywhere. "Perhaps he is still asleep?" I suggested, praying that I could go into his bedroom.  
  
"Perhaps. Why don't you go check; I will keep looking for him down here." I nodded and ran upstairs, thanking God that I have the chance of walking in on him while he was changing. (Sorry, author has a dirty little mind.)  
  
I sprinted down the hall to where Legolas had been staying. I knocked quietly on the door. "Legolas? Legolas." No answer. Goody! I opened the door slowly and peeked in. "Legolas?" I looked towards the bed. Aha! There he was, sleeping peacefully. Dreaming about moi, hopefully. I walked over to the bed and shook him slightly. "Legolas?" His eyes came into focus and he looked up.  
  
"Oh, good morning Lothuviel."  
  
"Good morning. I just came to tell you that Trelan wishes to speak with you."  
  
He slowly sat up and... OHMYGAWD!!!!!! HE WASN'T WEARING A SHIRT!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEK!!! "Thank you. Please tell him that I shall meet him in the Hall of Fire in about ten minutes."  
  
"Nnnnnokay," I slurred, staring at his super yumminess. "Well, I'll be going now..." I said, backing away slowly.  
  
"Thank you," he said as I closed the door. I slowly walked down to the Hall of Fire, making him sit up again and again in my sick little mind.  
  
I walked into the hall and found Trelan looking at a picture on the wall. "He will be down in a few minutes," I said dreamily. He turned around and looked at me. "You are a very lovesick maiden," he said with a grin.  
  
"Yeaaaah..." I looked off into space with an idiotic smile on my face. Trelan and I talked for the next few minutes about how we were going to make Legolas jealous. I told him to hold my hand and kiss me on the cheek whenever possible. I heard footsteps coming down the hall. "He is coming," I said. Trelan nodded and bent down to kiss the corner of my mouth. That way it would *look* like a real kiss, but it wasn't! I watched out of the corner of my eye as Legolas appeared in the doorway and stopped. Trelan pulled away and I started giggling like a schoolgirl.  
  
"Ahem?" Legolas cleared his throat in a slightly irritated sounding way. I pretended to just notice him and looked over with a sheepish grin.  
  
"Good morning, Legolas," Trelan said, taking my hand in his. Wow he's good.  
  
"Good morning. And why have you awoken me at such an early hour?" Legolas asked, looking at me. I looked up at Trelan, who then looked back at Legolas. Hrm, I dunno 'bout you, but I'm getting dizzy...  
  
"I was simply wondering if you would like to spend our last day in Rivendell out in the woods. Lothuviel and I were going to go out riding."  
  
"Last day in Rivendell?!" I blurted out.  
  
They both looked at me. "Yes, Lothuviel. Tomorrow we shall be heading back to Mirkwood. We both have duties to attend to. I am, of course, a prince, and Trelan is the head of the army."  
  
"Shit!" I spat. They both gave me incredulous looks. "Er... I mean... but what about me?!" I cried, turning dramatically to Trelan.  
  
"My dear, I am sorry. I shall try to get permission for you to come us."  
  
Dammit!! I thought. How the hell am I supposed to win Legolas over if they're heading back to Mirkwood!? Crap, crap, CRAP!!!  
  
I gave them both a puppy face, then buried my face in my hands and pretended to sob. Trelan patted my arm and hugged me. He was a good actor. "Shh, Lothuviel. 'Tis all right. We shan't be parted for long." I "sniffled" and nodded, then followed them out to that clearing where the horses could be summoned.  
  
I stood there and whistled, again making that horrible "pbbbbt" noise. Gaaa, why can't I get it RIGHT, I thought angrily. But all three horses cantered up. I mounted on Erregroth, Legolas on Hyarmenas, and Trelan on a chestnut brown. "His name is Raniean," he told me as he leapt up gracefully. Although I couldn't mount as well as real elves could, I had nearly perfected the art. So the six of us galloped into the woods, talking about things like archery, knives, and sword fighting: you know, stuff that wouldn't interest me. Oh well.  
  
After about an hour we stopped by a beautiful lake that was in the middle of the forest. We sat and talked some more. Then I decided to make my move. I laid my head on Trelan's shoulder. "Are you tired, my dear?" he asked as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. I saw Legolas raise an eyebrow out of the corner of my eye. I nodded and stared at the lake for a long time, causing my eyes to glaze over and look like I was asleep.  
  
After a few minutes they began to talk quietly. "You are in love with her?" Legolas asked. I felt Trelan nod. On the spot he made up a story as to why we had been absent for a while the night before.  
  
"Yes," he said, "we are indeed. You remember, last night, when we both took our leave and went to the garden. Well, there she told me that she believed that she was in love with me. I, of course, was overjoyed, for she won my heart over from the time that we found each other in the woods."  
  
I smirked as Legolas hesitated, then said, "Are you sure that is wise? What I mean is, you have only known each other for a few days. Perhaps you should give it time." I interrupted his little speech by "waking up".  
  
"Did you have a nice nap?" Trelan asked with a smile. I nodded and kissed him on the cheek. I am so GOOD at this!!! As I pulled away I sighed sadly.  
  
"What is wrong, my friend?" Legolas asked.  
  
I made a tear roll down my face (yes, I can make myself cry). "I shall miss you both very much," I said in a trembling voice. Trelan made a sympathetic noise and hugged me. I really was going to miss them. Trelan as a friend, of course, and Legolas as my future husband.  
  
After a while we rode back, because it was nearly time for lunch. The rest of the day passed without much happening, except that I accidentally pushed an elf into a stream in the garden. It was quite hilarious, actually.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Later on, I took a walk around the palace, thinking. The three of us had talked to Eyebrow Man (a.k.a. Elrond), but he had refused to let me go to Mirkwood with Legolas and Trelan. He said that Legolas should go and ask his father before he started bringing home unknown women to his home.  
  
"This sucks," I muttered to myself. I had hardly even *flirted* with Hotty Elf Prince, and now he was going off and leaving me. Merde. What was I supposed to do!?  
  
I thought until I started to get a migraine, and figured that the best thing I could do was nothing at all. Perhaps a little time away from me would make my lover-to-be realize how much he wanted me. I would simply wait until I got a message from either him or Trelan. So I walked angrily back up to my room.  
  
I plopped down onto my bed with my face in my pillow, which I then proceeded to scream into.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
The next morning Fiwen came into my room even earlier than usual.  
  
"Get up, you lazy bum," she said. Love the nice elfy manners.  
  
"Imm ugh," I mumbled. (Translation - I'm up.)  
  
"Good. You must hurry. Prince Legolas and Trelan are leaving in an hour." My eyes popped open and I shot out of bed. Fortunately I had been intelligent (for once) and had laid out my clothes for that day the night before. My attire consisted of a silver dress that looked purple in different light, my fave silver shoes, and an amethyst pendant on a silver chain. I quickly threw all of this on and curled my hair. Then I put on a bit of blush and mascara and raced down to the Hall of Fire where Legolas and Trelan were waiting.  
  
I ran across the hall and threw myself into Trelan's arms, practically knocking both of us over. "Must you leave?" I asked dramatically.  
  
He smiled sadly down at me. "Alas, but I must. I promise we shall send for you as soon as we get permission from King Thranduil."  
  
I put on my poor-little-elf-maiden image and started to silently cry into his shoulder. Legolas bought it and patted my arm sympathetically. "Don't worry my friend." Love, you silly prince, your LOVE!!! "We shall meet again soon." I smiled up at him as Trelan took my hand and led us outside where the horses were waiting.  
  
Legolas was the first one to say goodbye. "Farewell, mellon nin," he said, giving me a hug. I wrapped my arms around him and just stood there, ecstatic that I could be so close to him. "Um... Lothuviel? Could you please let go now?" Damn, the hug had only lasted fifteen seconds (I counted). Now for Trelan.  
  
I walked over to him and made myself cry (again). He gently pulled me towards him. "Namaarie, mela nin," he whispered, and gave me a "huge, long kiss" (i.e., a very long corner-of-mouth kiss). I opened my eyes a tiny bit and looked over at Legolas. He was shooting disapproving glares at us and rolling his eyes. After thirty seconds (yes, I counted again), he called, "Trelan, we must go," and swung himself up onto Hyarmenas.  
  
Trelan pulled his face away from mine and mouthed "I'll miss you, my friend." Then he, too, mounted his horse, and they rode away through the gates of Rivendell.  
  
"Eeeexcellent," I muttered evilly. My plan was getting back on track. "Soon I will have snagged my princey poo and all shall be right with the world." With that I walked back to my room to mourn (i.e., sleep).  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Yay, all done. Sorry, this chapter wasn't that funny. Mostly mushy poo. Oh well, next one will be better. :) I promise.  
  
I'm gonna be gone for the next few days (until Saturday) at church camp. So I'll see yas all then!! Toodles!!  
  
~Laurel~  
  
P.S. Read Crystyna's story, "The Young Order". It is INCREDIBLY good!! Also check out Lamoo's story, "The Fellowship and the Elf Next Door." I'm in it!! ^___^ You'll know me when you see me. Teeeheee.  
  
P.P.S. WOULDN'T TRELAN BE, LIKE, THE PERFECT GUY!?!?!?!!?! I mean, jebus, he helps a girl fall in love with someone else, he's nice, he's funny... WHAT WAS I THINKING!?! Oh yeah, Legolas... 


	6. A friend drops in

Back in Indianapolis:  
  
Lauren continued to stare at the screen, mesmerized. After about an hour or so, her eyes began to hurt. So she decided to use some of Laura's contact solution.  
  
After thoroughly filling her eyes with the "man-made tears" as she called them, she skipped happily back to Laura's room, anxious to go back a few chapters on the DVD to the scene where Strider first comes into the movie.  
  
She squealed as Aragorn pulled off his cloak, saying, "That is a rare gift." She fumbled with the remote and pressed the "pause" button. Then she planed a nice kiss on Aragorn's stubbly cheek.  
  
ZZZZAP!!!  
  
"WEEEEEEEE!!!" Lauren screamed happily. "New special effects!" She looked down and saw a large house/castle/thing below her. "Woooooohooooooo!!!" She seemed to go right through the roof, and landed with a small *plop* on a bed... and the person who was in it.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
I had been peacefully sleeping, dreaming of doing unspeakable things to my lover elf, when someone pounced on my bed. "ARGGH!!!! GET OFF, YOU HORNY ELF!!!" I kicked with all my might, and felt the person fly off of me. I scrambled and sat up and saw the person... upside down in an armchair across the room.  
  
"Hi pretty lady!" the person said, still upside down. "My name is Lauren Taylor!"  
  
My eyes got wide. "OHMYGAWD!!!" I screamed. I leapt up and hugged Lauren in a huge bear hug. "Erm... are you a lesbian?" she asked.  
  
"NO, you ninny foo foo!! It's me, Laura!" Lauren gaped, then threw her arms around my... knees? "You got tall," she said stupidly.  
  
I blinked. "You twit. I turned into an elf. We're in Rivendell! But... Why are you... so... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" I screamed with laughter and fell backwards onto my bed. "Ohmygawdohmygawdohmygawd... woo, okay I'm calm..." I looked back at Lauren. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!"  
  
"What is so funny?" she asked in an irritated tone.  
  
"You're- you're!" I couldn't say it. It was too funny.  
  
"I'm what!?"  
  
"A HOBBIT!!!" I shrieked, then collapsed back onto the bed clutching my sides and laughing hysterically.  
  
"EEP!!!" Lauren squealed. I heard her run across the room over to my vanity. "A hobbit? I HATE HOBBITS!! Their feet are HAIRY!! I mean, God, how natural is *that*!?" A pause. "OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"  
  
Oh god, this was too much. Lauren had shrunk about two feet, and had gotten slightly fatter. Her feet, however, had stayed their normal size (size 9 ½), and had grown thick curly hair. Her normally straight brown hair on her head had become curly, too.  
  
She started wailing hysterically as I laughed. After about five minutes someone came barging into the room.  
  
"What is going on in here!?" Elrond yelled.  
  
I sat up in fright as Lauren shut up, then squealed and hid behind the chair. "M-my lord!!" I stuttered, standing up. "I apologize for the uproar. You see, my dear friend, erm... Mary-sue, or Mary for short, surprised me by coming in and jumping on my bed." Lauren gaped at me for calling her that.  
  
"How did you manage to get past the guards, young hobbit?" Elrond said icily.  
  
"Erm... well, I uh..."  
  
"Oh, Lord Elrond, she has been known for being extremely quiet. Even *I* cannot hear her when she approaches. 'Tis quite unnatural for a hobbit, is it not?"  
  
"Yes it is. Well, will she be traveling to Mirkwood with you, Lothuviel?"  
  
"Lothuviel? Your name isn't-"  
  
"YES, she shall, Lord Elrond, if it is alright with King Thranduil."  
  
"Indeed. Well, Mary, I shall ask one of the seamstresses to come and make you some clothes." He looked funnily at Lauren's hobbit-sized blue jeans and T-shirt that said "I love Aragorn", then turned and left.  
  
"Lothuviel?" Lauren asked in a disgusted voice. "You call yourself Lothuviel?"  
  
"Yes, I do. Do you have a problem with that, Mary-sue?" I said with a smirk. Lauren grumbled and climbed up into the armchair.  
  
*****  
  
Lauren and I hung out over the next few weeks. Mostly I told her about my evil plan to win over my Leggy, or we explored Rivendell.  
  
One day in particular I had taken her out on Erregroth for a ride. We were riding through the woods surrounding Rivendell. Lauren was holding onto his mane in a death grip, which made the horse slightly pissed. He would spontaneously make sharp turns to try to knock us off. And after about fifteen times, he succeeded.  
  
"OOF!!" We fell to the ground with a large *thump* and rolled a few feet. Then Erregroth decided that his duty was done and cantered back towards the palace.  
  
"STUPID HORSE!!!" I yelled after him, rubbing my head. A stupid rock had gotten in the way.  
  
"I thought elves had a way with animals," Lauren said sarcastically.  
  
"Yeah, well... shut up." I lamely threw some leaves at her, then stopped. "What was that?"  
  
"I don't know, Miss Future Princess of Mirkwood. You're the elf. Why don't YOU figure it out?"  
  
"Hush!" I listened closely. "It's hoof beats. An Elvish horse, if I'm not mistaken."  
  
"How can you tell?"  
  
"Elvish horses have much softer hoof beats than regular horses, and their strides are longer." No sooner had I said that than a blonde elf on a palomino horse cantered up to us.  
  
"My lady, are you alright?!" he exclaimed, leaping off the horse and helping me up.  
  
"Yes, I am fine. My horse has thrown me off, and I suppose I was just dazed." The elf laid his hand on my forehead, and my headache went away. I sighed. "I thank thee, erm..."  
  
"My name is Tinwe, my lady," he said, bowing and kissing my hand.  
  
"Ahem?" said another voice. We both looked at the ground and saw Lauren standing there with her arms crossed.  
  
"Oh, and this is my companion, Mary-sue," I added dully. Lauren growled.  
  
"I am a messenger for Prince Legolas of Mirkwood. I have a message for the Lady Lothuviel Whiteflower."  
  
"Really?!" I squealed. He chuckled and nodded. "Are you she?"  
  
"I am! Is the message from Legolas?!"  
  
"It is," Tinwe said, handing me an envelope. It was sealed with green sealing wax stamped with a tree design.  
  
"Oooh, thank you!" I said, bouncing on the balls of my feet and tucking the envelope into my little bag.  
  
"You are quite welcome, Lady Lothuviel. But come now, you and your friend have a bit of a walk back to Rivendell. Would you like to ride with me?"  
  
"We would greatly appreciate it," I said sweetly. "Come, Mary-sue!" I lifted a grumbling Lauren into the saddle and I swung myself up behind her. Tinwe mounted up behind me and gently held onto my waist, then said, "Noro lim." The horse started cantering into the woods towards Rivendell.  
  
After only a few minutes we were riding back through the gates into the palace. I leapt off of the horse and quickly thanked Tinwe, then yanked Lauren out of the saddle. I ran up to my room, Lauren waddling as fast as she could behind me. I threw myself onto the bed and ripped open the envelope as Lauren closed the door. She climbed up next to me.  
  
"What took him so long!?" I exclaimed, not really angry. Then I read the letter out loud. "It says, 'My dearest friend Lothuviel-'"  
  
"I thought he was in love with you. Why doesn't he call you 'My Love' or something?"  
  
"Silence, infidel! I'm working on it."  
  
"'My dearest friend Lothuviel,  
  
"'It is my great joy that my father has given you permission to come and visit Trelan and I in Mirkwood. My friend Tinwe, who carried this letter, shall accompany you back to Mirkwood. I pray that I shall see thee soon, and I greatly look forward to your visit.  
  
"'Please forgive the briefness of this letter, but I have just received word of some orcs causing trouble, and Trelan, my father, and I must hold a council.  
  
"'Trelan sends his love, as do I.'"  
  
I squealed. "HE LOVES ME!!!!"  
  
"Dude, Laura, chill. He's just saying it in a friendly way."  
  
"SHUT UP!! 'I pray that you shall make haste to come and see us. Legolas.'"  
  
I sighed and fell backwards onto the bed, clutching the letter. "He loves meeeeeee..."  
  
"No he doesssssnnnn't."  
  
"Mary-sue, how many times must I tell you to BE QUIET!!!" I shouted in her ear. She winced and crossed her arms over her chest. "Now I must take leave of thee, my dear friend, and go and find Tinwe. Farewell." I daintily skipped out the door and down the hall.  
  
I found Tinwe sitting in the Hall of Fire and talking to Lord Elrond. "Forgive the interruption, my lord, but I have just read the letter from Legolas. It says that-"  
  
"Yes, Tinwe has explained the contents of the letter. You are leaving tomorrow, so you should go get ready."  
  
"Thank you, my lord," I said with a hurried bow. I raced back up to my room and found Lauren eating some of the little candies that were on the desk.  
  
"Stupid hobbit. Stop eating my candy."  
  
"Mmph."  
  
"We're leaving tomorrow."  
  
"Mff rff!?"  
  
"Yes, we are. Elrond says that I need to pack, so you need to, too. So go away and do that." I picked her up and threw her out the door, then raced into my closet.  
  
*****  
  
"Farewell, Fiwen my friend," I said, giving her a hug. We were standing in the courtyard and preparing to leave.  
  
"Farewell, Lothuviel. Come back soon," she said, returning the hug. We had become pretty good friends over the last couple of months.  
  
Then Lord Elrond did something completely unexpected. He kissed my hand! When had he EVER been polite to me!?  
  
"Farewell, Lothuviel Whiteflower. We shall greatly miss your presence."  
  
"Thank you, my lord," I said, bowing. Then I leapt up onto Erregroth, and Lauren mounted her pony. She glared up at me and mouthed "You suck." I just grinned and adjusted my bow to a more comfortable positon on my shoulder as Tinwe leapt into his saddle. Then we rode out of the gates and into the wilderness.  
  
The journey took about two weeks, and nothing really happened throughout those weeks. All we did was just ride and talk and be bored and eat and sleep. 'Twas BORING. Like I said, nothing happened. That is, until the last day.  
  
We were riding through the edge of the Mirkwood forest. It was really weird, because even though it was only three o'clock, it looked like dusk. There was a strange mist hanging around, and long moss fell down from the trees. Very creepy.  
  
"I'm scared," Lauren squeaked from two feet below me.  
  
"There is no reason to be scared, little one. There are elvish guards within five miles of us. We are fairly safe," Tinwe reassured her.  
  
"Oh thanks. That helps," she said dryly. We rode on in silence for another two minutes, until-  
  
"NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Tinwe's horse let out a scream of terror. I almost jumped out of my skin as I whirled around and saw the worst thing ever.  
  
"HOLY SHIT!!! A GIANT SPIDER!!!!" I screeched. Erregroth pranced around nervously as Tinwe's horse continued to whinny in fear.  
  
"Lothuviel! Shoot it!" Tinwe cried. The spider was on the horse's rump, in a spot that he couldn't possibly reach. I quickly pulled out an arrow and nocked it, attempting to aim at the spider. I let the arrow go, and the spider fell with a large *thump* onto the ground.  
  
"Thank you," Tinwe said between gasps.  
  
"I did not know I could shoot it!" I exclaimed.  
  
"You didn't," said another male voice. I whirled around and saw-  
  
"TRELAN!!" I screeched. I leapt to the ground and threw myself into his arms. "What do you mean I didn't!?"  
  
"I shot the spider, silly," he said with a grin. I turned around and saw my arrow lying uselessly on the ground. Lauren started howling with laughter. "Perhaps I should take some archery lessons," I said, color rising to my cheeks.  
  
"Greetings, Tinwe," Trelan called. Then he looked over at Lauren. "And who is this?"  
  
"My name's Mary-sue. Nice to meet ya," Lauren said dully. She wasn't having very much fun on this whole experience.  
  
"She is my friend. We met when I traveled to Hobbiton," I told them, making up a story off the top of my head.  
  
"I didn't know you went to Hobbiton, Lothuviel," Trelan said.  
  
"Erm... yeah, she did. She told me she wanted to know 'bout hobbits, because she was quote 'fascinated by them'," Lauren said.  
  
"I see. Well, come now, Lothuviel. We must go and see Prince Legolas." He winked at me and I grinned. This was gonna be good.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Another chapter done!! Woohoo!!! *does a happy dance* Now we can all go and review Laurel's lurvely story, no?  
  
Also, check out Crystyna's stories, "The Young Order" and "How to Snag a Hottie from Your Prom Queen of the Caribbean." They're both REALLY good!! Toodles!  
  
~*Laurel*~ 


	7. Everyone forgets 'bout the lurvely Lothu...

As we rode towards the palace, my excitement started to mount.  I had been Legolas-deprived for nearly a month and a half!  How had I lived?!  But it was no matter now, because I was going to see my love.

"Lothuviel, stop wriggling. It's annoying," Lauren said.

"Hush, Mary-sue.  I am excited that I shall be seeing my friend soon," I snapped back, imagining Legolas sitting up in his bed again.  Ahhh.

Half an hour later the horses cantered through the gates into the palace courtyard.  There were several elves standing around, and they walked forward as we dismounted.

"Greetings, Lady Lothuviel," said one of them with a bow.  "My name is Táradur.  I am one of Prince Legolas' friends.  Shall I go and tell him that you have arrived?"

"Well met, Táradur.  Of course, please do tell Legolas that I am here.  But might I come with you?" I said with a flirtatious grin that stated, "You know you think I'm cuuuuute!!"

He smiled back.  "Of course my lady.  Right this way."  He led me inside the palace.  It was exquisite!  The floors were made of marble so smooth and polished that I could see my reflection almost as well as if I were looking in a mirror.  There were large pillars of marble as well, carved to look like they had vines growing around them.  Large tapestries hung on the walls, most depicting forest animals, trees, or elvish script.  There was a long rug all the way down the hall, and huge wooden doors on either side.  

Táradur gestured to one of these large doors.  "He is in here, my lady," he whispered.  I nodded and mouthed a thank you, then quickly ran my fingers through my hair, just to make sure it wasn't too terribly messy.

I slowly turned the knob, and the door opened without a sound.  I peeked in.  I was staring into a huge study.  And when I say huge, I mean HUGE.  This room alone was probably as big as my house.  It too had the pillars with the vines, and bookshelves all the way to the ceiling.  There were tables scattered around the room with elaborate chairs.  

I walked quietly inside, not making a sound.  Slowly I glanced around, taking in the beauty of just this one room.  If it was so big, think of how big the palace must be! I thought to myself.  I silently walked through the study and looked for Legolas.  I found him sitting at one of the chairs near the back of the room, looking out a huge window.

"Ahem?" I said quietly.  

Legolas spun around, and his expression went one of boredom to one of pure joy.  "Lothuviel!" he cried with a smile.  He stood up, strode over to me, and wrapped his arms around me in a huge hug.  I sighed contentedly.  "It is so good to see you again, my friend!" he exclaimed.

I laughed and hugged him back.  "It is wonderful to see you, too, Legolas," I said happily.  _Yessss!!!_

"How was your journey?" he asked, pulling away (Damnit).  

I put on a frightened expression.  "It was fine until today," I said in a trembling voice.

"What happened?"

"Tinwe's horse was attacked by a giant spider." 

Legolas gasped and laid a hand on my arm.  "Are you all right!?"

"Yes, I am fine.  We are all fine."

He let out a sigh of relief and smiled.  "I am very glad you are well, my friend.  I would never be able to forgive myself if you had been hurt."

YOU LOVE ME!!!! my mind screamed.  JUST COME OUT AND SAY IT ALREADY!!!  "I would not have blamed you, Legolas."

He chuckled quietly.  "You are so humble, Lothuviel.  It is a very becoming trait in a woman," he said as we walked out of the study together.

"Thank you, my love."  He stopped and stared at me.

**Shit.**

"I mean, thank you.  My, what a _lovely_ day, is it not?"  Whew, that was close.

He smiled.  "It is.  I am sorry that it was ruined by one of those filthy spiders."

I laughed casually, sounding a bit like a hyena on crack.  "'Twas no big matter.  Come, let me introduce you to someone."  I took his hand and led him down the hall towards the entrance.  Hehehe, I was holding his hand.  His loverly little hand.  Welcome to Funtown, Arizona, Population 1: Laura.

We walked down the steps of the palace and into the courtyard where Tinwe, Trelan and Mary-sue (heh heh) were waiting.  Trelan gave me a peck on the cheek as I said, "Legolas, I would like you to meet my friend, Mary-sue," I said gesturing towards the ground at Lauren.

"Nice to meet you," she said, sounding kind of bored.  "You wouldn't happen to know where Aragorn is, would you?"

"Aragorn?" Legolas said, sounding a bit startled.  "No, I have not seen him for several years. Do you know him?"

"Eh, you could say that..." Lauren said, scuffing her foot against the ground and growing red.  I inconspicuously kicked her in the butt.

"Oh, Legolas, did Lothuviel tell you of our encounter with the spider?" Trelan asked with a smirk.  I glared at him.

"Yes, she did.  I hope someone killed it?"

"Well, Lothuviel here, in a brilliant display of archery, managed to shoot an arrow two feet!" Lauren piped up.  I was going to have to kill her.

Legolas chuckled.  **WAAAH**, he laughed at me. (_sob sob_) "Did you not ever learn how to shoot?" he asked, turning to me. 

"Uhh... no?  I was hoping that _someone _might give me lessons."  Hint, hint, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, Leggy poo.

"Well, Trelan is an excellent archer.  I'm sure he would give you some lessons," my hotty elf prince said.

Trelan laughed and put his arm around my shoulder, again.  "Surely you are joking, Legolas.  You are the best archer in all of Mirkwood, if not Middle-Earth.  You must teach the fair Lothuviel to shoot."

Note to self: Make sure to give Trelan a REALLY big cookie.

"I would be honored to teach you, Lothuviel, if that is your wish," Legolas said with a smile.  I lurve him.

"Indeed, it is my wish.  I thank thee, Legolas Greenleaf," I said with a bow.  Lauren snorted.  I "accidentally" stepped on her foot.

"Well, you all must be weary.  I shall have one of the maids show you to your rooms," Legolas said.  Awwww, he's such a nice host.  Then some maid dude/woman popped up out of nowhere and practically dragged me away.  We walked up a flight of stairs, and then another, and then down four different halls, then up yet _another_ smaller flight of stairs and through a door.

"How in the world am I going to find my way out of here?" I said incredulously.  

"I shall send someone to escort you each morning until you find your way around more comfortably, my lady," the maid said.  Woot!

"Thank you," I said, and shoved her out of my room.  "See ya later."  Then I slammed the door and locked it, then turned around to admire my new home.

_COR!!!_ This was _awesome!!!_  My room was circular and appeared to be at the top of a tower.  It was absolutely HUGE.  On the ceiling there were silver star-shaped thingos, along with what appeared to be a layout of the solar system, although it was waaaay off by our standards, considering there were only two planets and the Sun. Oh well, anyways... The bed was a big canopy one, probably about a mile wide or so, with green curtains and sheets, etc.  In fact, the curtains on the big windows were green, too, along with the rugs on the marble floor.  Wow, elves are a tad bit obsessed with green, no?

I flung myself onto my bed and stuffed my face into the pillow.  This was excellent.  Not only did I have the hottest elf in the universe within a mile of me at all times, but I also had a huge bed that I would hopefully share with him sometime in the near future.  Mwahahahahaaa.

There was a knock on the big wooden door.  "Go away," I mumbled.  They came in anyway. What if I had been changing?!

I lifted my face out of the pillow just enough that I could see who it was.  Ooh, surprise, surprise.  It was little Mary-sue.

"Hiya," she said.  "Ooh, big room."

"Yes.  What'd you get, a hole in the ground?" I asked, sitting up.

"No, but mine's boring.  I don't get a big bed like you," she whined.

"That's 'cause I'm a prettyful elf that everyone knows that Legolas loves, plus I'm more important than you, so neh!" I stuck my tongue out at her.  She whapped me with a pillow.  "Ooh, you'd better not start that, my hairy-footed little friend.  Soon I'll know how to kick your arse with a bow and arrow."

"But until then, I can do this all I want," Lauren said sneakily, and whacked me again.  Soon a full-out pillow fight ensued, which I, without a doubt, won.

"Nancy-prancy elf," she muttered as she walked out the door, covered from head to toe in feathers.  I gave her a raspberry then turned and walked into my closet.  You know, the one I forgot to mention before?

"Jebus..." I muttered as I looked through the dresses.  More than half of them were green!  What the frack is up with this place?  Oh well.  I picked out one of the (very) few silvery ones (which had become my favorite kind) and put it on.  Time for din-din!  Oh wait, I forgot.  I have no bloody idea where the dining room hall thingy is.  Erlack a pongoes.  

"Let's see... I know that I walk _out _of my room before I make any turns... and that's about it.  Now, was it make a right then a left and walk down the stairs, or make a left then walk down the stairs and turn right?  Holy _merde_ and double poo..." I decided that the best thing was just to sit down and wait for someone to come and rescue me.

I found a big armchair and plopped down in it.  Guess what color it was?  HA, you're WRONG!  It was BLUE-GREEN!!  So then all I had to do was sit there for a day or so 'til some kind soul remembered that I was alive.

~*~

Fortunately, it only took an hour before someone remembered that I was there.  I had just about fallen asleep with my face in my hand when I heard soft footsteps running down the hall. 

"Finally," I muttered, getting up out of the chair.

"Lothuviel!" Trelan said, trotting up to me.  "Where have you been?"

"Well, I was sitting in that chair right there, wondering when someone would come and find me in this over-sized castle," I said a bit angrily.

"Oh, I am so sorry.  I was talking to your friend, Mary-sue.  She is quite humorous," he said.

"Yes, yes.  Can we go get something to eat now?" I begged.  He chuckled and nodded, then led me downstairs (don't ask me how).

We arrived in the dining hall, where there were only a few people, all of whom I (fortunately) knew.  And there was my Leggy, standing in all of his sexy glory.  He smiled as I sat down next to him (in the seat of honor! Yesss and three times yesss!).

"I apologize for forgetting you, Lothuviel.  'Twas very stupid of me," Legolas said.

"Naw, don't worry about it.  People do it all the time," Lauren said from my right.  I kicked her under the table and smiled sweetly at Legolas.

"'Tis no big matter, Legolas.  I had a nice little nap whilst I was waiting."  He chuckled as a bunch of servant dudes brought out the food.  Ooer, yummy.  They had everything from some elvish form of pasta to fish, and there was even some cake for dessert.  Woot!

"That was delicious," I said after my second slice of yummylicious chocolate cake.  Somehow I had managed not to get any on my face.  (I used my spoon as a mirror.)

"Yes it was.  Now if you will all excuse us, Lothuviel and I must go get ready.  I am teaching her archery," Legolas said as he stood up.  He motioned for me to follow him.

"Have fun," Lauren called.  I turned around and smirked at her.

"Do not worry, my little friend.  I am sure I shall."

~*~*~*~

Tune in next time on "The Adventures of Me, Lothuviel"!

Legolas and Laura start the fun that is archery lessons!

Lauren gets a boo-boo!

And some really stupid stuff happens to the two gits! (a.k.a. Laura and Lauren)

~*~*~*~

Well, kiddies, what'd you think? Sorry this chapter wasn't that long, but I had...

DUNDUNDUNNN!!!

_Writers' block._

Audience: (simultaneous "gasp!")

Yesh, I know, 'tis _trés, trés horriblemente_.  But fear not, children!  For I believe it has gone away!  Woot!

Now, go on and press that lurvely little purpley-gray button.  You know you want to!

~*Laurel (a.k.a. Laura)*~


	8. Archery Lessons ie, operation snuggle

Responses to my lurvely reviewers:

**Crystyna:** LOL! No, no, no.  He was just talking to Mary-sue.  Don't worry, I'm not _completely_ sick-minded like that.  Here are your lovely archery lessons, dahling.

**Lolly:** Ooooer, you're good.  Haha, you hit the nail right on the head.  Smart one. :)

**Novembermorn:** I'm glad you're enjoying this.  I am too. :)

OOOOH!! I found my REAL Elvish name!! It's Alatáriël Elanessë.  Isn't that gorgeous!?  Hehehe!  Crappers, I wish I  had found that BEFORE I started this story... oh well, we'll just stick with Lothuviel, because it's easier to spell and pronounce.

My Hobbit name is Ruby Hardbottle.  Isn't that cute? Oh, and Lauren's REAL Hobbit name would be Myrtle Burrows.  Oh man... hahahaa!  That is just too funny...

~*~*~*~*~

I found that one maid person again and she led me up to my room.  There we found me some leggings (deep forest green) and a tunic thingo (a lighter green).  Then she gave me these awesome lace-up boots made of really soft brown leather, and put my hair in a braid down my back.  Ooooer, I looked purdyful.  Then I strapped my quiver on my back and grabbed my bow, both of which were intricately carved and had silver ornamentation on them.

"Thank you, um... person," I said to the maid.

"Larien is my name, Lothuviel," she replied with a bow.

"That is a gorgeous name," I complimented.  It really was.  

She smiled.  "Thank you, my lady.  But come, Prince Legolas is waiting."  Of course!  Why am I wasting my time being nice to someone when my Leggy is waiting for me?!

I practically skipped down the hallway behind Larien, then out the front door of the palace into the courtyard where Legolas was waiting.  He, too, had gotten changed.  Oh!  WE WERE MATCHING!!!  He smiled when he saw me come down the steps.  

"Are you ready to learn to shoot?" Legolas asked.

"Indeed I am, Legolas.  Where shall we go for my lessons?"

"There is a shooting range about half a mile from here," he said as he turned to Larien.  "Thank you for assisting her.  You may go now."  Larien bowed and went back inside.

Legolas and I walked out of the palace, and I couldn't help but notice that all the female elves that we passed shot me disapproving glares.  I just grinned cheekily at them.  Haha, losers.  They're REAL elves and can't even get near my princey poo. But here I am, an intruder, and he's falling under my spell.  Mwahahahahaaa.

We walked pretty much in silence all the way to the archery range, except for the sounds of me tripping over a bunch of roots.  I thought elves were light-footed and graceful?  Well, not this elf.  ("Technically, she's not an elf," Lauren says over my shoulder.  Shut up, smartass.)

Eventually we came to a clearing in the woods with several targets lined up a little distance away.  There wasn't anyone else around.  _Yesssss!!_

Legolas turned to me and said, "You can take off your quiver for right now.  First I shall teach you how to properly hold a bow."  Properly hold a bow?  How hard can it be?  Harder than I thought.  I had to grip it just right or else Legolas would adjust my fingers or something so that they were in just the right spot.

"Good.  Now take an arrow out of your quiver," he said.  Okiedoo, that's not so hard.  I pulled one out of the quiver, and accidentally caused all of the others to come out, too.  Jebus, I'm making even more of an ass of myself than I usually do...

"Oops..." I muttered and started picking them up.  Legolas chuckled and helped me.  Oh god, why do I have to be so retarded?!

"Now then, take the bow and hold it parallel to the ground with your arm on top," he told me.  Will do, Mr. Hottie Archery Teacher.  "Very good.  Now nock the arrow."

"Nock?" I asked.

"Yes.  See the slit in the end of it, behind the fletching?" he asked.  I nodded.  "Place the arrow on the bow so that the bowstring will go through that slit." 

"Oh, I see now."  I did as Legolas said, and apparently did it the right way.  

"Very good.  Now place the bow upright and pull back on the arrow using just your index and middle fingers."  I did that.  "Almost, but pull back so that your arm is adjacent to your ear."  _My lovely pointed ear_, I added mentally, _because I am a beautiful elf that you know you want to snog oh-so badly._  "There, that is perfect.  Now..." He talked for a little while about how you want the right amount of force on the string and yada, yada, yada.  I just stood there with a strained smile and a bead of sweat rolling down my neck.  My arm was going to _fall off!_

Legolas blabbed on some more.  Of course, I didn't mind, so long as he was the one doing the blabbing.  Then he picked up his bow and showed me just how to aim and stuff like that.  My jaw dropped.  He looked SO HOT doing that!!!  For some reason I couldn't concentrate.  I was busy admiring his muscles that were underneath that oh-so handsome (and form-fitting) tunic of his.  _Ow, arm, ow, falling off, ow ow ow ow ow ow ow..._

He let go of the arrow and it whistled through the air, coming to rest in the dead center of the target.

"Whoa," I said.  He chuckled.

"Now you can go ahead and see if you can do that," he said with a smile.  Oooh, crap.  Crapity crap crap _merde_.

"Um... sure."  I closed one eye and stuck the tip of my tongue out of the corner of my mouth, the better to concentrate, and let the arrow go.  It flew through the air and landed ten feet away.  Oh wonderful.

"Well... that is a start," Legolas said.  "Are you sure you wish to learn archery?  You are very skilled with a sword."

"You do not think of me as an able fighter?" I asked in a trembling voice.  Ouch, Leggy.  Ouch.

"No, no!" he said anxiously.  "That is not what I meant!  Oh, Lothuviel, I am so sorry."  He patted my back and smiled kindly.  "Come now, you are just a beginner.  Let us try again."  I sniffled and nodded.  "Here, we shall do it together," he said as he picked up his bow.  "Here, now nock another arrow and aim with me, all right?  Make sure you aim a bit above the mark you want to hit." 

"Oh, I see.  I had not realized that before," I said, making up an excuse for my retardedness.  I picked up my bow and put an arrow to the string.  "All right.  Now, pull back so that your hand is level with your ear," he said, and demonstrated.  I pulled back.  _Ow, arm. Falling off.  Again._  "Yes, now when I tell you, fire, all right?"  I nodded.  "Ready? Fi-"

"HI GUYS!!!" someone yelled.  I screeched and accidentally let go of the arrow.  

"MARY-SUE, YOU LITTLE FRUIT!" I roared as I saw Lauren skipping up to me.  

"Just checking to make sure you two weren't having too much fun!" she said with a grin.  I am going to kill her.  

"You little..." I growled as Legolas tapped me on the shoulder.

"Look," he said, pointing to the target.  I blinked and turned around.

"WOO!" I yelped.  "I hit it!  Well, sort of..." I scrunched up my nose.  The arrow was stuck in the petticoat of the target.  (A/N: The petticoat is the white outer ring on the target.  In archery, it doesn't count for any points.)

Legolas nodded and smiled.  "A very good start," he said, and patted my arm.

"Thank you," I said sweetly.  Lauren made gagging noises. "I might have hit the CENTER if _SOMEONE_ hadn't scared me."  I glared at Lauren, who grinned.  

"But I'm cute!" she protested.

"Yes, yes.  Now please, let us be.  I must get back to my lessons." I raised an eyebrow at her.

"Ooooh.  Gotcha."  She attempted to wink at me, but ended up going cross-eyed.  Idiot.

"Good_bye_, Mary-sue," I growled, and turned back to Legolas.

"Toodles!" she chirped and skipped away towards the castle.  I sighed and Legolas smiled.  "Such an interesting little hobbit.  Anyway, shall we continue with your practices?"

"If you have enough patience," I said with a little grin.  

"Of course I do.  Now try to hit inside the target this time."  We both aimed our arrows at the target.  "When I say so, fire.  Ready..." I held my breath. "Fire!" he said, and I let go of my arrow.  It whistled through the air and landed with a thunk into the petticoat again.  "Errgh..." I grumbled.

"That is all right, Lothuviel.  At least you hit it." Cheers.  Thanks.  Good night.  "Try again," he said.

"Oh I guess.  But..."

"Yes?"

"Would you help me aim?" I said, coming up with an idea on the spot.  "Oh brother" is what Lauren would have said.  I have to agree.

"Um... if you will it so," he said a bit uncomfortably.

"I do."  I smirked as he came around behind me and gently reached around me to help me aim. "That is much better," I said.  "Now it shall be easier for me to learn." I sneakily snuggled up against him.

"Indeed.  Perhaps you would like to learn how to fight with knives as well?" he asked, handing me an arrow.

"I would love to," I said, and breathed in a sigh.  Mmm.  _Eau de Legolas_.  Fruity, yet not girly.   I inconspicuously licked my lips.  

"Wonderful.  As soon as you become more talented with the bow, I shall teach you.  Now then..." We both held up the bow and pulled it back.  "Ready?  Fire!"  I let go and the arrow flew true, right to the center of the target.

"YEEK!" I squealed, bouncing on the balls of my feet.  "I HIT IT!!"  He laughed and nodded. 

"Very well done.  You are a quick learner.  Shall we try again?"  Does he even have to ask?

For most of the rest of the day he taught me about shooting.  Well, sort of.  He was talking about shooting, and I was just standing there ogling at him.  Oh well.  

We walked back to the palace, and my arms were practically falling off.  It hurt to even carry my bow.  "Owwwww..." I groaned.

"What is wrong, Lothuviel?" he asked, sounding concerned.

"My arms hurt terribly," I said with a pout.  He stopped and put his hand on my forehead, and slowly the pain went away.  Yay elvish healing powers!  

"Do you feel better now?" he asked.

"Ungh..." I said.  Translation: Yes. Now touch my head again!!!!

He chuckled.  "I am glad.  Now we must go back to the castle and wash up.  Dinner is in less than an hour."  Crapola.  No time to pretty myself up, then.  Dangit.  As we walked up the steps to the front door, I said, "I thank thee, Legolas Greenleaf, for passing your skills onto someone unimportant such as I."

"You are far from unimportant," he said quietly.  "You are a good friend of mine, and I was honored to teach you."  He took my hand and kissed it.  

"Thank you.  I shall see you at dinner," I said boredly. God, why can't he love me already? Waaaah. I walked down the long hallway and found the stairs I had to go up to get to my tower.  I somehow managed to find it without getting too terribly lost.  Woot!

I opened the door and was immediately greeted with a karate shriek.  "HI-YAH!!!"

"YEEK!!!" I squealed and kicked at the person coming at me.  I heard an "Ooof!" and someone fall on the ground.  

"Oweeee..." Lauren groaned.  "You hurt me."

"Why the hell were you about to practice karate moves on me?" I asked, looking down my (cute little) nose at her. 

"I was bored," she said, and whimpered.  "You hurt my tummy."

"Aww, did wittle Wauren get a boo-boo?" I asked dryly.

"Uh huh."

"Too bad for her, then."

"Lothuvielllllll," she whined.  

"Fine," I growled.  I leaned down and put my hand on her forehead.

"...now what?" she asked.

"I dunno.  This is my first time.  Um..." I thought really hard about making her feel better, and suddenly my hands felt warm.  Ooh, cool.

"Feel better?" I asked.

"Yup.  Thanks," she said as she hopped onto my bed and started bouncing on it. "Weeee!"

"Ugh, don't do that.  I feel light-headed thanks to you," I groaned and sat in my loverly armchair.  That whole healing thing made me dizzy.  

Suddenly there was a knock on the door.  "My lady?"  I went over and opened it and found Larien standing outside the doorway.  "Are you almost ready for dinner?" she asked.

"It is dinner time already?" I said.  Crapola, I hadn't even changed out of my tunic yet!  Craaaap!!

"Yes, and I also have a nice little dress for your friend Mary-sue."

"Yeek!" Lauren squealed and ran to the door.  She yanked the dress out of Larien's hands and looked at it.  "Oooh, it's so purdy!!" she giggled.  The dress was made out of a red patterned cloth with small flowers printed on it, and had a little apron to match.  There also was a piece of ribbon to tie up her hair.  "Thanks!"

"You are quite welcome.  'Tis a gift from me, since I realized that you did not have many dresses."

"Woo!" Lauren ran back into my room and into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.  I winced.  Stupid hobbit should realize that my hearing is more sensitive now.

"Well, thank you for the dress, Larien.  I am sure Mary-sue will love it," I said.

"It was not a problem.  I hope she likes it.  But if you will excuse me, Prince Legolas wishes to speak with me." With that she bowed and walked away.  I peered after her, then raced over to the bathroom door.

"Lauren!!" I hissed.  "Hurry up!"

"Why?" came the slightly muffled reply.

"Because its almost dinner time.  Actually, take your time, because I need to change too."  I raced to the closet and pulled out a dress (sparkly green, ooer) and ripped off the tunic.  I hopped into the dress and buttoned up the back, then went back to the bathroom.  "Are you done yet?!"

"Yeppers."  The door came flying open, with my face still right by it.    
"Shit!" I yelped.  "Lauren, you idjitard!  I think you just broke my nose!!!"

"Oh, sorry," she said unenthusiastically.  I hate her sometimes.  "Now what was the hurry again?  Oh yeah, dinner!"

"I was just kidding.  That was to make you hurry up," I replied as I walked over to the dresser.  I grabbed a handkerchief (with green trimming, of course) and put it up to my nose, which was bleeding.  

"Then what _are_ we doing?" Lauren complained as her stomach gave a huge growl.

I turned to face her.  "We have stalking to do."

~*~*~*~*~*~

Next time on "The Adventures of Me, Lothuviel":

Laura and Lauren do some stalking!

Laura meets Thranduil face-to-face!

And more insaneness ensues!

~*~*~*~*~*~

Okiedoo, that's ch. 8, y'all.  Hope you enjoyed it.  I sure did. :-D

Much lurve, Orlando, Legolas, Will Turner, Jack Sparrow, Johnny, etc.,

~*Laurel*~


	9. Stalkers!

Reviewers:

**Lolly:** Haha, yesh, you are my first reviewer, and I thank thee.  (Motions to Legolas) Leggy, kiss her hand.

_Legolas:_ Right now?

YES DAMMIT!! NOW DO IT!!!

_Legolas:_ (sighs and kisses Lolly on the hand _and_ the cheek) Thanks for your review.

**Velveteen:** LOL! Do you really have parties based on Lego and Aragorn? That's awesome!

_Legolas:_ (kisses Velveteen's hand) Thanks for your review.

**Lady Trickster: **Oh, the link for the Elvish names generator is: 

_Legolas:_ (kisses her hand) Thanks for the review.

**Bibi:** LOL! Yes, the maid is the competition. (cackles insanely, chokes) ACK! Ahem, and I guess in the story I'm getting used to the whole hand-kissing thing, but if it were in real life I'd attack him and snog him on the spot.

_Legolas:_ (kisses her hand and her cheek) That's just 'cause I like ya. :-P Thanks for the review.

**Daisy:** Well I'm glad you like it.  Of course you can be in JAMS.  We need some more members.  So, if you're not a Legolas fan, what kind of fan are you? Hrm...

_Some random really hot guy:_ (kisses her hand) Thanks for the review.  Can I have your number? (Hehe j/k.)

**Aquitaineq: **Glad you're enjoying it.  Don't worry, there's more Mary-sue coming up pretty soon!  (The last one didn't have much of her 'cause of the archery.) I just need for her to have some major role.  The problem is, I can't think of one, hehe!

_Legolas:_ (kisses her hand) Thanks for your review.****

****

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(looks up) Whew, I had a bunch of reviews for that chapter. Not that I'm complaining of course.  Thanks again to all you guys!

~*~

O.O

HOLY FRUIT OF FLORIDA!!!!  THE DUDE THAT PLAYS HALDIR IS FUC- uh, FREAKIN' HOT IN REAL LIFE!!!!!!!!! GO THERE!!!! Well, I think he is... (adds Craig Parker to JAMS; labels jar "Haldirus Hottieus Craigus".) Wooo!! I have a yummy collection!!

~*~*~*~*~

Lulu (as I call Lauren) and I walked down the hallway together, attempting to find Larien.  

"Where the heck is she!?" I complained as we walked down the stairs.  "I mean, honestly, if they're doing anything I'd be wanting to do with Legolas, then I'll kill her."

"You're a freak," Lulu muttered.

"Oh, and you're not?  At least I don't have hairy feet," I shot back.

"Well, at least I'm not a nancy prancy elf!" she growled.  I stopped and glared at her.

"_What_ did you just say?"

"You're a nancy prancy elf.  So pbbbt!!" She blew a raspberry at me then started loping down the hallway.  I sprinted after her, overtaking her easily.

"Don't you EVER insult elves again!!!" I yelled in her face.  Lauren looked up and gave me a teary expression.

"I sowwy, Sandwich!" she wailed and threw her arms around my knees.  I sighed.  She used my nickname.  How can I not forgive her?

"Whatever.  Come on, we have some stalking to do!"  She grinned and we started jogging around the lower level of the palace.  After searching for another fifteen minutes I gave up.  "I don't know where they are, and at this point I don't care," I huffed.  We walked into the dining hall for dinner, but when we got there no one was inside.

"Where is everybody!?" Lulu yelped.

"Good question.  We'll have to ask."

"If I missed all that good elvish food I'll kill you," she warned as she started running as fast as she could out the door.  Oh hell.  I went the other way and kept on looking for my Leggy kins.

I walked outside and into the courtyard and BEHOLD! There he was, walking alone beneath the boughs of the trees, his hands clasped behind his back. He was humming a soft elvish tune, which sounded oddly like "May It Be" but waaaay better.  I gazed at him.  He did have such a hot humming voice.  I walked towards him and was about to say, "Greetings, friend Legolas!" but I didn't get the chance.  Out of nowhere Larien popped up.  Grr!

"Prince Legolas," she called.  He stopped humming and turned to her.  

"Greetings, Larien," he said with a smile.  What!? He smiled at her?!  And she smiled back!  I must do something about this very, very soon.

"You wished to speak with me, my lord?" she said with a bow.  She looked in my general direction, which made me have to dive behind a tree.  Damn!

"Yes, I did.  It is about Lothuviel." _WOOT!_ my mind shrieked.  

"Oh, your visitor.  Of course."  She sounded unenthusiastic.  Why do I care what she thinks?

"Yes.  I find it necessary to explain what has happened to her recently."  Legolas told her about how I had fallen from the sky (quite literally), and about my "amnesia", etc.  He cared!  "I wish that you inform me if she mentions anything to you about her old home."

"Of course, my lord.  I shall do so."  Larien smiled sweetly and took one step closer towards him.  "Prince Legolas, you look forlorn.  What is the matter?" she asked in a concerned tone.  Now she's making moves on my man!?

"I thank you for your worry, Larien, but it is no large matter.  I just have quite a few things on my mind right now."

"Would you care to take a walk with me?  Perhaps it would clear you mind," she cooed, tossing her hair flirtatiously.  The little... turd!

Legolas smiled a bit uneasily.  "I thank thee again, Larien, but I must decline.  I would like some time to be alone."  I smirked.  Ooh, shot down, Larien!

She looked offended, but quickly concealed her disappointment.  "As you wish, my lord." She bowed again and walked away. Mwahahaha!!

I almost walked up to Legolas, but then thought better of it.  He wanted to be alone right then, and I can't have him think that I was stalking him... even though I was.   But that's beside the point.  Instead I turned around and went back into the palace.

I wandered through the corridors, simply exploring.  It was a REALLY cool place, and I wished I could stay there forever.  Hopefully I could.  Hopefully by the end of eternity I'd have Legolas in my clutches.  

Twenty minutes later I was bored.  No one was around.  As big as this place is, and considering how many elves lived inside it, you'd think that you'd see people all the time.  But I hadn't seen anyone.  I sighed and wandered back in the general direction of the dining hall.

Fifty million wrong turns later I found it, and there were people there.  Thank god.  I was starting to feel like a hermit.  I mingled through the little groups, searching for either Legolas, Trelan, or Lauren (in that order).  I didn't find Lego, but I managed to find my beloved RH.

"Greetings, my dear friend!" I said as I walked towards his little posse.  Everyone in the group turned and looked at me, and Trelan beamed. 

"Hello, Lothuviel my dear!  I have hardly seen you all day," he said.  He gave me a slight wink.  Hehe, the little fruit. I love him to death.  Such a sweetie. 

"Indeed, I ask for your forgiveness.  Prince Legolas was so kind as to give me archery lessons," I said loudly.  The female elves in the group gaped, while the male elves cocked their eyebrows slightly.  

"Did you enjoy yourself?" he asked.  Only I knew the real meaning of this, and I chuckled.

"Truly, I did, friend Trelan.  Alas that you could not join us.  I would have enjoyed your company."  Actually, I was glad he wasn't there.  Then I couldn't have snuggled up to him.  

"It is well.  I spent my day discussing the growing spider problems in the deeper parts of Greenwood," Trelan said.  The elves around us murmured their disapproval.

"'Tis a pity that such a lovely place such as this must earn itself such a foul name," one of the male elves said.  I looked over at him.  He was quite good-looking, although instead of blonde hair, his was a rich chocolate brown color.  Hrm, put him as number three on my top 10 hott elf list.  (1. Legolas, 2. Trelan, 3. this dude.)

"Lothuviel, this is my good friend Lenwe," Trelan said.  The elf kissed my hand gently and smiled at me.  

"Welcome to Greenwood, Lady Lothuviel.  Rarely do fair maidens from distant lands travel here," he said in a soft voice.  I mentally rolled my eyes.  Jeeze.  

"I thank thee for thy compliments, Lenwe," I replied through slightly clenched teeth.  Trelan cleared his throat uncomfortably and said, "Well, it appears that dinner is nearly ready.  Shall we go sit down?"  The other elves nodded, and Trelan took my hand and led me towards one of the many round tables. 

Just as we were sitting down the doors to the hall slammed open, and little Mary-sue the Idiot came running towards me.  "Yo, Lothuviel!!  Wait up!" she yelled at the top of her lungs.  Everyone in the hall looked at her, then at me.  I groaned and sank low into my chair.

Lauren walked the last ten feet to our table, completely out of breath. "You were about to eat without me, weren't ya?" she asked, clearly pissed-off.

"No, dear friend, I would never do that," I said sarcastically.  I looked at the elves around my table.  "Oh, how rude of me.  Everyone, this is my dearest friend Mary-sue the hobbit," I said, gesturing to the chair next to me, which Lauren was attempting to scramble into.  I rolled my eyes and lifted her into it by her collar.

"Hiya everyone!" she said, waving.  The elves chuckled and replied with "Hello" or "Greetings, young hobbit lass."

"So tell me, fair Lothuviel, where have you traveled from?" Lenwe asked.  Okay, now he qualifies as a stalker.  Take him _off_ my hot elves list.  I sighed and told how I had been in my old home and had fallen asleep, when suddenly I was falling through the sky towards the ground near Rivendell.  "And alas, I cannot remember where I am from, nor who is in my family," I said sadly.  The elves all made sympathetic noises.

"Then how is it that you can remember your friend Mary-sue?" Lenwe asked.  Oh shit, I hadn't thought of that.

"Oh, well, I have known her since she was but a tot, and it is impossible for me to forget the strong friendship we have," I said sweetly.  Lauren beamed.  Dream on, hobbit girl.  

Everyone else chitchatted for a while as Lauren and I just sat there in silence, pretending to not exist.  We've become experts at that.  Then we had dessert (something very similar to tiramisu, which is my most favorite dessert _ever_), and then it was time for music, story telling, and dancing.  A few elves came in with instruments such as flutes and lyres and began playing the sweetest, saddest tune I had ever heard.  But then the rhythm changed, and it was a faster song, and very cheerful.  

"Lothuviel, would you care to dance?" Trelan asked.  I grinned and nodded, and we went onto the floor and danced a bit.

"Trelan, I have not seen Lord Thranduil since I have arrived here.  Does he prefer privacy?" I asked.

"Nay, he is just very busy." _Probably counting his gold, the greedy idjit,_ I thought bitterly.  Let's just say Thranduil isn't exactly my favorite LOTR character.  "There is much evil forming in the deeper parts of Greenwood.  Alas, now people are beginning to call it Mirkwood.  It breaks my heart to hear so."  I was just about to ask why Legolas had not shown up at dinner when I saw a hand tap on Trelan's shoulder.  We stopped and I saw Lenwe standing behind him.  God, why won't he just go away, the big turd!

"Might I interfere and dance with you, my lady?" he asked, bowing to me.  I rolled my eyes disgustedly and wrinkled my nose.  Trelan saw this and shrugged with an evil grin.  "Of course, my friend."  I was going to have to hurt him very, very badly.  I reluctantly let go of his hand and put it into Lenwe's, trying not to show my disgust.   

He and I danced for a while (the song seemed to last _forever_).  Most of the time he was talking about himself while I pretended to care.  He was boasting about how he once killed two giant spiders with one shot or something like that.  Then he said, "Lothuviel, I find myself quite overcome with your beauty and your gentle disposition.  Would you be so kind as to grant my wish, and take a walk with me after the merry making?" Merry making!? What the hell!?  Who calls dancing "merry making"??

"Uhh... well, the thing is... I would absolutely _love_ to." He beamed.  "But alas, I cannot.  I am weary from my lessons as well as the journey I have made, and I shall probably go to my chambers soon afterwards.  Perhaps some other time?" Yeah, like in my next life?  

Thank god the song ended just then.  He smiled.  "I shall look forward to it."  He kissed my hand again (does anyone have a moist towelette?!) and held it all the way back to our table.  

"Well, my friends, I believe that I shall now go to my chambers for some rest.  I bid thee good night."

"Snoggy dreams, Lothuviel," Lauren said.  (A/N: My friends and I say this instead of "good night".  Yes, we're odd.)  I winked at her with a smile and walked out of the hall, thanking the cheese gods that I was away from Stalker Lenwe.  

I rounded a corner and immediately ran into something big.  "Ow!" I cried and fell on my butt.  "Urgh..."

"Pardon me," said a voice.  I saw a hand extend down toward me.  I took it and felt myself being pulled up.

"Forgive me, sir.  I did not know you were there," I apologized.

"It is well.  What is your name, maiden?" the elf asked.  He was tall and fairly handsome, blonde-haired like most of the elves here.  Though he didn't look old like Elrond, he was certainly more aged than Legolas and Trelan.  

"My name is Lothuviel Whiteflower, sir," I said with a bow.  "Might I inquire as to yours?"

The guy seemed a bit taken aback.  "I am King Thranduil, Lord of Greenwood."  My jaw dropped.  Oh, shit!!!

"M-my lord!" I stuttered. "Please forgive me!  I did no know it was you!"

"You are forgiven.  Are you not the maid who is visiting my son, Legolas?" Thrandude (as I like to call him) asked.  

"Indeed I am, Lord Thranduil, and I thank thee for thy kind hospitality," I said with a bow.  

"You are welcome.  Now, if you will excuse me."  He kind of shoved past me and walked down towards the dining hall.  _What an arrogant bastard_, I thought.

I eventually found my way back to my room.  I flopped onto the bed without even changing, asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

~*~*~*~*~

Kudos for Laura, because she updated, and it is currently 12:05 at night!  I lost sleep because of you people! :-p  You'd all better review, or face the wrath of Thrandude!

Much lurve, Will (promptly dies), Legolas (dead faint), and Orlando (swoon),

**_!~*Laura*~!_**


	10. Legolas pops the question

Thanks to all my reviewers!!  I'm on my laptop right now and can't really check them, but thanks and hugs from Legolas to all.

_Legolas:_ (sigh)

Heeeeeee. :-D

*~*~*~*~*  
  


"Lothuviel."

"Gnagh..."

"Wake up, you idiot."

"Meh..."

"Laura, I'm warning youuuu..."  

I groaned and sat up.  "Lulu, it's about five o'clock in the morning.  Why don't you act intelligent for once and wake me up at a reasonable hour?"

"Well for one thing, it's 5:30.  For another, I wanted to ask you if you ever found your princey-poo last night," she explained.

"Yes, I did."

"_Aaaand?_"

"Nothing happened.  He was talking to Larien."

"Who?" she asked.

"The maid that gave you that dress.  Anyway, it turns out that he was talking to her about _moi, _which automatically shows that he cares." I sighed dreamily.

"What did he say to her?" Lulu asked eagerly as she climbed up on my bed.

"He just asked her to tell him if I said anything about where I was from.  You know, because I have 'amnesia'."  I did the little quotation marks with my fingers.

"Oh, I get it.  So is it turning into anything romantic?" Lulu asked, waggling her eyebrows.  I sighed.  "No, it's not.  Not yet, at least."

We talked for a long time.  When we finally shut our mouths, the sun had risen and I could hear people talking outside my door.  "Okies, Lulu, time for you to go," I said as I hopped out of bed.

"Whyyyy?" she whined.

"Because Laura has to get dressed, darling.  And if you want to stay in here while I'm dressing, then it proves that you are, in fact, a lezzie."  She growled and stalked out of the room.  I went over to the wardrobe and dug through all the dresses.  "Green... green... ooh, yellow... green... green... ew, pink... green... orange!?... green... AHA!!" I pulled out a midnight-blue dress with gold stuff on the hems.  I put it on, along with some goldish slipper things, and then strapped my dagger to my leg, as I had been told to do by Trelan a while ago.  Then I went over to the vanity and brushed my hair.  It was still wavy from being worn in a braid the day before.  I decided I liked it better this way than when it was straight.  

As I continued brushing my hair, there was a knock on the door.  I went over and opened it, then shrieked and immediately slammed it shut.  It was Stalker Elf! 

"Lothuviel?  Lothuviel, are you well?" I heard Lenwe ask.  I locked the door and frantically looked for another way out.  _Oh god, oh god, oh god! What if he comes in here!? I thought. There were no other doors except to the bathroom and the balcony._

The balcony.

I mentally slapped myself. _Duh! I ran outside and looked over the railing.  The ground was probably at least fifty feet below me.  Shit!  I bit my lip and looked around for another way down.  The only other possible way was to jump from the balcony to the nearest tree, which was about ten feet away.  I shrieked slightly as I heard the door unlock.  Then I climbed over the railing and jumped.  _

Much to my surprise, it wasn't that hard to jump the ten feet to the tree.  I felt a branch and locked my hands around it.  Unfortunately, it wasn't very strong, and broke.

"Ow! Oof! Ack! D'oh! Ouch! Ow ow ow ow ow ow!"  I fell down through the tree, hitting every branch within reach.   I landed on the ground with a _thunk_.  "Ungghhh..." I slowly stood up and dusted myself off.  I pushed a strand of hair behind my ear, and it was then that I realized I had fallen into the middle of a big group of elves.  They were all staring at me with wide eyes.  "Um... _mae govannen," I said with a big stupid smile.  All of them seemed to raise an eyebrow in unison and murmur a reply.  "Well, I must be going now..." With that I sprinted away, knowing that my already reputation of being strange had just become worse._

I ran through the gardens, looking for either Lauren, Trelan, or Legolas... preferably the last name, though.  But after fifteen minutes or so I got tired.  All of this constantly searching for people was beginning to take its toll on my small brain.  I plopped myself on a rock and thought for a minute.  I decided that I felt like singing. 

"Ahem... 

Temperature's up (can you feel it)   
About to erupt   
Gonna get my girls,   
Get your boys!  
Gonna make some noise!!!

Wanna get... rowdy!   
Gonna get a little un...ruly!   
Get it fired up in a hurry!   
Wanna get dirrty!   
It's about time that I came to start the party  
Sweat dripping over my... body!   
Dancing getting just a little... naughty!   
Wanna get dirrty!   
It's about time for my arrival!"

I then proceeded to jump up and dance like they do in the music video (i.e., dirty dancing).  I did this for about thirty seconds until I heard quiet footsteps behind me.  I grabbed my dagger off my leg and spun around.

But when I looked around, no one was there.  

I jumped as someone said, "You must move faster than that, Lothuviel." 

"Who's there?" I asked nervously.  

"Look up."  I looked above me and saw...

"Legolas!" I said nervously.  Had he seen me dancing!?  Oh god...  "How did you get up there?"  He was sitting on a tree limb, lounging casually with an incredibly hot smile on his face.

"I can jump fairly high, my friend," he said as he dropped to the ground.  He landed on his feet and bowed to me, his long hair falling around his face.

"Gaaahh..." I slurred.  He looked _so hot_ when he did that.  Actually, he looked so hot when he did anything.  I shook my head to clear my thoughts.  "Why were you not at dinner, my friend?" 

"I just needed some time to be alone, Lothuviel," he said. 

"Oh..."  I frowned.  Did that mean, "I wanted to be away from _you_" or, "I wanted to be away from everyone in general"?

"Do not take it personally.  Sometimes I simply like to be alone," he told me.  Well, that answers that question...

"Oh, I see." I just stared at him, and he stared back.

"Yes."  There was an uncomfortable silence between us.  _I wonder what he's thinking about, I thought.  __Hopefully he's resisting the urge to pounce on me and snog 'til kingdom come.  I smirked at this thought._

"You are donning an awfully sneaky grin, Lothuviel," he commented with a smile.  "What are you thinking about?"

_Crap, he saw me._ "Oh, I was just... um… thinking about... things."  I beamed at him, and he smiled back.

"Indeed," he said with a raised brow.  _Ahh._  "Have you had your breakfast yet?" he asked.

"I have not.  I was on my way to the dining hall," I told him.

"Through the garden?  It would be much shorter to simply go through the palace."

"Uh... yes.  I... wanted to look at the beautiful flowers," I lied.

"Yes, they are quite lovely this time of year.  Well, would you like to dine with me, then?"

_Hell yeah! _"I would greatly enjoy that."

"Wonderful.  Shall we go then?" He held out his arm, which I took with pleasure.  _Yay!_  We walked through the palace in silence, until we came to a group of elves in a big gathering space. 

"Greetings, my friends," Legolas said politely.  

"Good morning," most of them said.  Except for two of them.

"Lothuviel!" Trelan and Lenwe said at the same time.  Oh god!

"Hello, TRELAN," I said, loudly emphasizing his name.  "I pray that you are feeling well?"

"I am," he said, and kissed my cheek.  I mentally smirked when I saw everyone's reaction.  "Why were you not at breakfast, my friend?"  Lenwe shifted uneasily. 

"I was going to come down, but then I saw the flowers in the garden and could not resist the urge to walk through them.  I suppose I just lost track of time." I glared at Stalker Elf.  "Fortunately, Legolas has offered to dine with me, for he missed the morning meal, also."

"Indeed.  Well, enjoy your time together, my friend."  Trelan leaned down and gave me a quick kiss on the corner of my mouth, much to the surprise to everyone.  Except me.

"Fare thee well," I said as Legolas and I walked out of the room.  I didn't get a reply.  Teehee!

~*~

The breakfast with my husband-to-be went wonderfully.  There was so much to eat that it would have been able to feed a family of four for at least three days.  Everything was yummylicious.  The only bad part was that I kept missing my mouth with my fork and stabbing my cheek on accident.  I was too busy staring at Legolas to concentrate on my hand-eye coordination.

When we were both finished I sat back in my chair and rubbed my bulging stomach.  I'd never eaten more at one time in my life.  "Legolas, that was delicious," I said incredulously.

"Yes, the elves who prepare our food are quite skilled," he said with a smile. 

"Indeed they are."  I paused for a second, trying to think of something to say.  "Are there any festivals coming up soon?  I greatly look forward to celebrating in the famed palace of Greenwood."

"Now that you mention it, there is a festival.  Faradome, in fact," he said.

"Faradome?"

"You do not know of the Faradome festival, Lothuviel?" he asked with an astonished expression.

"...No?"

"Oh, how foolish of me.  Of course you do not remember.  Well, Faradome is the festival for the Summer Solstice," he explained.  The what?

"Oh, _THAT_ Faradome.  Yes, I do know what you are talking about now.  When is it, pray tell."

"It is tomorrow night, actually."

"Really!?! Woot!" I squealed, bouncing around in my chair a bit.  Legolas chuckled slightly.

"Lothuviel, may I ask you a question?" he said after a minute.

"Of course, my friend."

"Will you allow me to accompany you to the festival tomorrow night?" he said, sounding a bit like a schoolboy asking a girl out.

My jaw dropped to the floor.  Well, almost.  

"Really?!" I squeaked.  He nodded, looking at his hands, which were folded in his lap, instead of at me.  "I... gaaaah..." I inconspicuously slapped myself.  "I would be honored, Legolas," I managed to say.   He looked up and smiled.

"Thank you."  I gazed at him lovingly.  _Yessss!!!!!!!_

~*~*~*~

Next time on **The Adventures of Me, Lothuviel**:

The Faradome Festival!  (Yaaay!)

Lenwe goes all freaky! (As if he wasn't before...)

And Lauren gets to tell some of the story!!

~*~*~*~

This chapter is dedicated to Bibi, because she just broke up with her boyfriend and is having a bad day.  *ehug* I WUV YOU, POLLY!!! Hehe!  I will always and forever be your brian! :-)

Legolas: Aww... *hugs Bibi* It's okay. *kisses her cheek*

~*~*~*~

Sorry this was so short!!  I just _had_ to get it done tonight, though.  I promised I would.  Yay for me! :-D

Much lurve,

**_~*!Laura!*~_**


	11. That wonderful substance knowns as elvis...

**Disclaimer:** ...whatever.

~*~*~

Responses to my lurvely reviewers!

**Crystyna:** LOL! Calm down, child.  Yeah, I guess he did technically ask me out... but it's more of a friendly gesture (damnation).  Here's the update you wanted, hope you enjoy!

**EatEvilLeprechauns (Bibi, Polly, my Brian, etc. etc.):** LOL, yes, he saw me booty dancing, dirty little elf that I am. *blushes* Wouldn't that be _embarrassing!?!  _Another reason why this isn't a Mary-sue: I am obviously not perfect. :-)  Oh, and no problem about the dedicating the chapter to you.  It sounds like you had a crappy day, and I thought you could use some cheering up.

**Mysti:** LMAO! I love Ren 'n Stimpy! Wootness!  *starts humming the theme.  Looks over at Mysti glomping Legolas* DON'T YOU DARE GLOMP MY ELF!! *growls menacingly* :-P

**Alina11:** Of course Legolas is cute, you silly person! Hehe! Of course we'll be friends.  Unfortunately, I don't think it'll turn out that we'll be more than that. *sobs*

~*~*~

Legolas and I talked for what seemed like only a few minutes, but in reality was more like two hours.  By the end of that time I had a funny feeling in my stomach.  But I wasn't going to be sick.  No, no.  I was just falling in love even more.  Actually, Legolas did most of the talking.  I thought it would be polite to just sit and stare at those gorgeous blue eyes with a cute smile on my face.

"So how long have you and Trelan known each other?" I asked.

He smiled (ahh).  "Quite a while, actually.  He has been a very good friend of mine for many years."

"Really?"  I asked.  He nodded and started telling me about all the little adventures the two of them had had over the years. I realized that the two of them must have been _really_ stupid when they were younger, almost like teenage boys.  But hey, that's okay.  Stupidity can be cool.

"Legolas, I have a question."

"Yes?"

"It is about the festival tomorrow night.  This might sound like a completely absurd question, but is it a formal occasion?" I asked, feeling like a complete prat.

"Yes, it is.  You are supposed to wear your nicest attire," he explained.  My nicest attire?  All they have are fancy dresses!  How could I choose which one to wear?  I asked him this.  "Well, if you would like, I will have Larien help you choose your dress."  I cringed when he said _her _name.  She must die.  She must die.  

"I would like that," I said sweetly.  Not.

"Very well then.  I shall tell her that you are in need of her assistance."  Legolas stood up from his chair, and I did the same.

"Thank you for the lovely meal, my friend," I said.

"The pleasure was mine, Lothuviel," he replied.  He kissed my hand, then smiled at me.  "What were your plans for today?"

"I have not thought about it, actually.  I was..." Suddenly we heard the sound of a distant elephant (Lauren), and I sighed.  "I think Mary-sue wanted to spend some time with me, though," I finished dully. I scowled at her as she bounded up to us.

"Greetings, Mary-sue," Legolas said.  He's so sweet.

"Hiya Legolas," Lauren replied. "Yo Lothuviel, Trelan was with some guy earlier.  They were both looking for you." 

I groaned.  "What did this other person look like?"

"Uh... pointy ears, tall, skinny, male, brown hair."

"That sounds like Lenwe," Legolas commented.  I made a noise to show my disgust.  "What is it, Lothuviel?"

"One moment."  I knelt down and whispered into Lauren's ear, "Go away _now._"

"Ooooh, I see how it is.  Okay.  See ya later, Lothy," Lulu said with a wink.  She lollopped off in the direction of the kitchen.

"No, what is wrong with Lenwe?" Legolas asked.

"Oh, nothing.  He just... seems to have taken a liking to me," I replied.

"Indeed," he said with a raised eyebrow.  "Well, I am afraid I must take my leave.  Thank you for dining with me."

"And thank you," I said and bowed.  "Fare thee well, Legolas."

I spent the rest of the day snooping around with Lauren.  We found out some pretty interesting stuff.  For instance, did you know that elves have a sort of Karma-sutra book?  Neither did we.  I think Lauren was scarred for life.  On second thought, so was I.

We also think that we found Thranduil's gold stash.  We came to a door guarded by an elf with a bow and a quiver of arrows.  Lauren forced me to do some serious flirting to get a peek inside.  I also had to promise the elf a dance at the festival the next day.  Anyway, inside the door there was a _huge_ pile of gold and jewels, which Lauren said looked like candy.  We must take into account that Lauren isn't exactly right in the head.

That night after dinner Lenwe again forced me to dance with him, which made me slightly pissed off.  On the bright side, both Legolas and Trelan danced with me also, so I was a happy crouton.

~*~

The next day seemed to take _forever._  I was looking forward to the festival that night.

"Can I come, too?" Lauren asked.  We were sitting in my room doing nothing like we always do. 

"I don't know, Lulu.  I don't think you'd like it all that much," I told her.

"Pleeeeeeease?!" she pleaded.

"I'll have to ask.  But before we do anything we need to find me a dress to wear tonight."

"Oh fine.  Let's see what you have."  She waddled over to the wardrobe, threw open the doors and started digging through it.  "Wear this one," she said, tossing me the first dress she saw.

I wrinkled my nose.  "Lauren, look at this thing.  It's brown.  That is disgusting."  

"I like it," she said defensively.

"Whatever.  I am not wearing that." I shoved her out of the way and started looking through my options.  "Okay, we're sticking with cool colors, like light purple, blue, green, and silver.  What color do you think I should wear out of those?"

"Hrm... I think you should do either light blue or silver.  But that's just my opinion," she said, playing with her apron.

"How about... a blue _AND_ silver one!?!" I asked excitedly.

"Uh, sure, if you can find one," she said with a shrug.  I quickly dug through the wardrobe, desperately looking for the dress of my dreams.  "Argh, they don't have any.  That sucks.  Hrm... maybe I'll go with this one."  I held up a light purple dress.  It was trimmed intricately with gold ribbons and stuff.  

"Oooh, purdyful," Lauren commented.

"Yesh, I know I am.  Hold this for me." I shoved the dress into her arms and turned back to the wardrobe.  "Hm... oooooooh."  I pulled out a light blue dress with silver decoration.  It was slightly off the shoulder, and on the upper arm, the sleeves opened to show your skin. The sleeves also flared out nearly three feet.  Instead of being a waist skirt, though, it was a princess cut. "Perfect."  I laid it out on my bed and admired it.  "I'll look lurvely, I do believe." 

"Yes, yes, it's gorgeous.  _Now_ can we go ask?" she begged.

I sighed.  "Fine.  Let's go." I walked over to the door and opened it, only to find Larien standing right outside of it.  

"Greetings, Lothuviel," she said.  I restrained myself from strangling her.

"Hello.  I have a question.  Is Mary-sue invited to the Faradome festival tonight?"

"Yes, of course.  Anyone that is a guest in this palace is invited.  Speaking of which, Prince Legolas told me that you were in need of my assistance.  Shall I come in?" she said.

"No, I am fine.  Thank you, good bye." With that I slammed the door in her face and turned to Lauren. "Okiedoo, Mary-sue, now you get to join her, because I need to get dressed."

"Oh, all right.  Bye bye, Sandwich!" Lauren called as she skipped out of my room.  I locked the door behind her, then started to get ready.  Once again I filled up the bathtub and hopped in, washed my hair, used some yummy-smelling soap (fruity!), and hopped out again.  Then I put on the dress.  When I looked in the mirror I couldn't believe how totally cool it looked. I picked out some shoes (light blue, like the dress), then went to do my hair.  I decided to go with a half-ponytail in a braid, almost like Legolas', except without the eensie teensie little braids by the ears.  Just the big one.  Get it? Got it? Good.  

Anyhap, somehow I managed to do that without anyone's help.  Then I needed to find some jewelry.  I started digging around the room looking for a jewelry box or something.  After searching for ten minutes I found a very, very small one under the wardrobe.  I opened it and gasped.  Inside was a silvery tiara thingamajig that looked like a vine with little leaves coming out of it.  There was also a matching necklace with a leaf-shaped pendant.  If that wasn't perfect, I don't know what is.  Anywhoosies, I put both pieces of jewelry on, and then decided that I was nearly ready.  I just needed some perfumey stuffers.  Fortunately it only took a few minutes to find, and it was great smelling, too.  Almost like Clinique Happy.  

I glided to the door and opened it, only to find Lauren standing there waiting for me.  She looked so cute!  She was wearing a deep blue flower-printed dress with a white underdress thingy.  Her hair was tied back in a deep blue ribbon behind her head.

"Lulu, you look so cute!" I gushed.  She looked up at me and scowled.  "How come you look better than me?" she asked.

"Because, darling, I am an elf.  My job is to look better than hobbits.  Besides, it looks like I took more time to get ready.  But that's okay.  I still lurve you in a completely non-lezzie way!" I knelt down and hugged her.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Can we go down to the dancy thing now?" she asked irritably.

"Yeah!" I squealed, and dragged her along behind me.  I sprinted through the castle towards the dining hall, practically running over any elf that got in my way.  "Outta my way, goofy ears!" I shrieked.  My elfy prince was waiting for me.  When we reached the large flight of stairs that led down to the common room, I slowed to an elegant walk, and gently glided down the stairs.  At the bottom I could see Legolas waiting for me.  He was wearing a midnight-blue outfit, and looked soooo hot.  He looked up and watched as I glided towards him.  Actually, he didn't look at me.  He _gaped_ with an open mouth at me, which pleased me a lot. 

"Greetings, Legolas," I said softly, putting on my most flirtatious voice.

"Lothuviel, you look unbelievably beautiful this evening," he said with a smile.  It took all my effort to not pounce on him.  Instead I blushed and looked at the ground.  "Shall we go in now?" he asked, gesturing towards the hall.  I looked up and nodded, taking his arm that he had offered to me.  I heard Lulu come clomping down the stairs and walk in a bit behind us.

"We will be sitting at the head table with my father," Legolas told me as we walked towards the back of the room.  I noticed that I was getting many jealous stares from lots of the women in there.  I smirked at them and scooted a bit closer to Legolas, which just made them more pissed off.  _Take that, you little puffs_, I said to them mentally.  _That's right.  He's just met me and already he's asking me out.  So neener neener neener!! _ We reached the head table, and the first thing I noticed was Thranduil.  He was dressed in a goldish-colored robe... thing.  No surprise there.  Legolas pulled out a chair and gestured for me to sit in it.  "Thank you," I said. He smiled and sat down next to me. Yesss!  Lauren climbed up into the chair across from me and started looking hungrily at the decorative fruit bowls that were on the table.

I looked to see who was sitting next to me.  It was Tinwe, the dude who had brought my letter to me in Rivendell.  "Tinwe, how nice to see you again," I chirped.  He turned and looked at me.  "Lothuviel! I have not seen you for a few days.  Are you enjoying your stay here in Greenwood?"

"Yes, I am.  It is lovely here."  We continued talking for a few minutes until Thranduil stood up and made a little speech about Faradome.  After what seemed like ages later (okay, maybe five minutes), he said:

"Now, let the festival begin."

(A/N: [in Monty Python voice] And now for something completely different... Lauren will now tell the story in her POV.)

~Lauren POV~

After the big king dude made his little speech, a bunch of servant elf guys came out carrying jugs of wine.  They poured each and every elf a glass of it, then went and waited in the corner until someone emptied their cup, which didn't take very long.  Apparently, Faradome was the equivalent to a Super Bowl party, because it seemed like all the elves did was get drunk.  

Although I must say that the food was _really_ good.  There were probably about seven courses, and I took a bit from each one.  Laura stared at me the whole time like I was a pig.  Yeah, well, if she gets to be the pretty one, then I can be the fat ugly one that eats a lot.  I don't care.

After dinner there was... more wine! Yes, they had a special course for the wine alone.  Not kidding.  They cleared away the plates and then poured more wine.  Then Legolas got up and made a little speech (which I'm sure Laura heard none of, because she was too busy staring at the poor guy), and then... guess what? MORE WINE!!! 

I was getting sick of this.  Laura is already pretty tipsy, but after you give her five glasses of **strong** Elvish wine, she's going to be as stupid as a potato. 

Finally, after everyone's sixth or seventh glass, Thranduil decided it was time to start the dancing and stuff.  He brought out the musicians and had them play a fairly fast tune.  That one dude that Laura likes... Trelan, yeah.  He asked her to dance with him, and of course she did.  Well, she tried to.  More like stumbled around.  But so was everyone else, so it's all good.

After that song was over she came back up and sat down across from me.  "Hi Mary-sue!" she said in a chipper voice.  "Will you please pour me some more wine?"

"No way, Lothy.  You're as sloshed as a seal.  If I give you anymore you'll-"

"Lothuviel, would you care to dance?" the elf next to her asked.  It was that one guy that had carried her letter... Tinsel or something like that.  So she said yes (again) and got up and danced with him.  Then she danced with Legolas (and made a complete ass of herself by "accidentally" tripping and falling into him), then with that one dude with dark hair (she looked like she would scream), and then about fifty gazillion other guys.

After a few more glasses of wine, she sat back down and started flirting shamelessly with Legolas.  He was pretty drunk, too, and was flirting back.  This was disgusting.  I decided to ignore them and see what the other elves were doing.  

I slipped under the table and crawled to the end.  When I peeked out, no one was there.  So I crawled out from under the tablecloth, only to trip an elf that was carrying a wine jug.  He fell with a _crash_, and the jug shattered.  "Um... sorry 'bout that, dude," I said as I ran away.  I noticed that quite a few couples had been going out into the gardens.  I walked out the door and followed two elves (fortunately one male and one female) who were giggling like mad and flirting stupidly.  They walked out and sat on a bench.  I hid in a bush.  This was getting interesting.  They talked for about two seconds, then proceeded to make out like there was no tomorrow.  

"Erlack," I muttered.  I climbed out of the bush and started walking back towards the dining hall.  That is, until I saw Laura walking out with an elf dude.  I couldn't really see his face, though, since it was about 2 o'clock in the morning and nearly pitch black.  

"Oy! Lothuviel!" I called.  She ignored me and walked by, both of them giggling like loons on loon pills (i.e., A LOT). I was about to say something, but then stopped myself.  Why should I?  This was a perfect opportunity for black mail!  So instead I followed them around the garden until they found an empty bench. I hid behind a nearby tree trunk and watched with interest.

"You look especially radiant tonight, Lothuviel," the elf said.  Laura giggled hysterically as he started playing with her hair.  Good god, how much wine did she have!?  She tried to say something, but just ended up slurring a bunch of German words.  The elf looked at her like she was insane (which she is), but then started laughing with her.    
_This is pathetic_, I thought to myself.  _I thought she was trying to hit it off with Lego- OH MY GAWD!!! _ He had just kissed her!! That's wrong!!

"THAT'S IT!! NO MORE!!" I screamed and jumped out from behind the tree.  "No snogging my best buddy without me knowing, bucco!" I spat at the elf.  The elf jumped, while Laura just sat there looking all girlish.  "Come on, Lothuviel.  No more partying for you."  I pulled on her hand, forcing her to stand up and stagger along behind me.  We made it as far as the top of the stairs to the second floor before she collapsed from being either too stupid or too drunk.  Or both.  

"Jebus..." I muttered.  Now I had to go find someone bigger than I was to carry her to her room.  I went back down to the dining hall and looked around for Legolas.  But there was no sign of him.  So I found the first person I knew.  "Yo, Trelan!" I shouted up to him as I tapped his leg.  He looked down and grinned drunkenly.

"Hello, Mary-sue! And how are you this fine evening?" he asked.  Good lord...

"Yeah.  Um, Lothuviel sort of kind of, you know, collapsed at the top of the stairs.  I was wondering, could you-?"

"I shall get her," he proclaimed importantly and walked quickly out of the hall.  I jogged along behind him, attempting to keep up.  But when we got to the top of the stairs, Laura was gone.  "She must have gone on by herself," he said.  "Probably went up to her room.  Why don't you go look?  I will stay here and wait for you."

"Oh fine," I grumbled.  I trudged up to Laura's room in the tower and opened the door, only to find that it was empty.  "Oh, it's useless," I mumbled.  _Trelan can find her himself,_ I decided.  So I climbed into her bed and fell fast asleep, not even bothering to worry about Laura being okay.  Oh well.  Her problem, not mine.

~*~*~

Where exactly _did_ I wander off to?  Who did I kiss (mwahahaha!)? Why is Lauren such a little butt?  These questions will be answered in the next chapter of...

**The Adventures of Me, Lothuviel.**

****

~*~*~*~

Well, I hope you guys liked that chapter.  I think it turned out pretty good, if I do say so myself.  Which I do, because I just typed it.  :-D Please review! Thankies muchlies!

**__**

**_~*!Laura!*~_**  
  



	12. Meep?

**_HELLOOOOOO, MY LITTLE CRUMPETS!!!_**

**__**

*gasp* I haven't updated on here FOREVER!!! I'm so sowwy.  *cries* Now I feel bad...  Anyhap, I'm in the process of writing the next chapter! Yay for Laura! *random penguins applaud* Thank you, thank you...

But **FIRST**, I have some questions!!

Okay, several people have been like, "I *SERIOUSLY* hope you end up w/ him!!" (lol Crystyna)  Quite frankly, I've been **_extremely_** tempted to do this.  But I don't want to get flames.  Flames are bad.  They make me cry.  Sometimes.  Not really.  No, I guess they don't... *AHEM* Anyhooers, whatcha think?  Romance or no? Yay or nay? _Oui_ o _non_? _Si_ o _no_? Have any suggestions as to what should happen? I'm sort of running out of ideas (oh the horror! WRITER'S BLOCK!!!) and I am contemplating whether or not to end the story soon.  *sniffle* Please donate ideas to the "Save Lothuviel the Mary-Sue Foundation"! Um... *looks at list* I don't think I have any more questions... *clears throat uncomfortably* Ooh, I'll tell a joke!  Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? 

Audience: (unenthusiastically) Because he didn't have the guts to.

NO! Because he didn't have the guts to!

Legolas:(on the drums) *does the little "doo doo chh!" comedy drum thing*

Yes, I know, I am hilarious.  Well, PLEASE respond with a review to this A/N! Your input will be greatly appreciated!!

Much lurve, Legolas, Will Turner, Orlando, etc. etc. etc.,

**_~*!Laura!*~_**


	13. HALLELUJAH!

**Lolly:** LMAO!! _No!!!_ I wasn't foreshadowing anything!!  Don't worry, nothing happened with me.  I was just reeeeeeally drunk... Yay I scare people!!

**Crystyna:** *groans* NOT A MARY-SUE!!! LOL j/k.  Write whatever you want.  It's a free country.  

**Iariel:** Yeah, Lauren isn't quite as serious as I am.  She's just stupid.  LOL glad you love it so much.  *gives Iariel membership card* You are now an official member of JAMS! Happy stalking! ;)

**Everyone else who reviewed: **I LOVE YOU ALL!!! *cries*

Also, thanks to everyone who offered me some ideas!! And many, many, MANY thanks to the wonderful Lolly for the ideas that she suggested!!! *hails the great Lolly*

~*~*~*~

**(Still Lauren POV)**

I slept like a log for about two hours, until I heard someone knocking on the door.  I got out of the big bed with a groan and dragged myself over to it.  

"Whaddya want?" I asked the person's knees tiredly.  I looked up and saw Legolas' face looking down at me.

"Hello, Mary-sue," he said slightly drunkenly.  "I found this in my bedroom."  I looked at what he carried in his arms, and groaned.  It was none other than my best friend Laura, who appeared to be either unconscious or asleep.  Or both.  God, she's an idiot.

"Jesus... um, just put her in the bed, I guess." I waved my arms dismissively into the room.  Legolas walked past me and gently put Laura down on the bed, but didn't leave.  Errrghhh... 

"Did you enjoy yourself tonight?" he asked.  

"Meh..." I shrugged.

"'Tis a pity.  The Faradome is always one of the most enjoyable holidays of the year," he said thoughtfully.

"Why, 'cause of all the wine?" I asked sweetly.  He looked from me to Laura's form lying on the bed.

"One would think so, would they not?" he asked with a smile.  He walked over to me and patted my head, much to my annoyance.  "Sweet dreams, little friend," he said, and sort of wobbled out of the room.  I grabbed a blanket from a nearby chair and threw myself onto the little couch that was near the fireplace.  I hope I never come to Middle-Earth again.

~*~

The next morning I woke up and hopped off the couch, feeling thoroughly refreshed.  I had had a wonderful snoggy dream involving myself and a certain hot ranger dude.  I went over to the bathroom and took a nice hot bath, then got dressed and went back into Laura's room.  She was lying on her stomach, her face buried in her pillow and snoring slightly. 

I sighed and walked over to the bed, which I proceeded to leap on to.  "WAKEY WAKEY, ELFY GIRL!!!" I shouted as I bounced around on the mattress.  She shrieked and fell to the floor with a very loud _thunk_.  "Teehee," I giggled, and jumped off the bed and onto the floor next to her.  "Didja sleep good?" I asked.  She scowled up at me. 

"Fine, until you woke me up like that.  Jeeze, my head hurts.  Maybe I shouldn't have drunk so much wine...  Which reminds me, I don't remember _anything_ from dinner onwards about last night."

"Um, yeah, I would say that too," I murmured.  She looked at me questioningly.  

"What do you mean?" she asked, sounding a big scared.  I told her what had happened the night before, and how she had wandered into Legolas' room.

"Hold up.  I _kissed_ someone?" she asked with wide eyes.  I nodded.  "Well, who was it, you little fruit!?" she screeched.

"I dunno.  I couldn't see his face."  She buried her face in her hands, then looked up at me again.

"Was it Legolas?" she whispered with wide eyes.

"I'm sure it wasn't," I said.  

"Positive?"

"Yes."

"Absolutely positive?"

"Yes."

"Absolutely positively positive?"

"_Yes._"

"Absolutely posi-"

"Shut up Laura."

"Mmmk," she mumbled.  Then she threw herself back onto the bed, and within seconds she was snoring again.  I blinked.  How she managed to do that, I have no idea.  I shrugged and walked out the door, ready to do some exploring.

As I walked down the hallway, I hummed the "Backpack" song from Dora the Explorer.  "Backpack! Backpack!" I sang happily.  As I turned a corner, I heard some voices.  Oooh, time for some eavesdropping!  I crept nearer to the voices, and soon saw who they belonged to.  It turns out it was Larien and a few of her bestest cleaning pals.  _Hrm, I wonder what they're talking about?  Maybe a new toilet bowl cleaner,_ I thought_.  Except they don't have toilets here... but anyway..._

"The festival last night was absolutely spectacular, was it not?" one of the maids in a purple dress said.

"Indeed.  Did you notice how lovely everyone looked?  Especially that one maiden.  You know, the one that is friends with Prince Legolas?" another said.  Everyone nodded.  Yeah, they're talking about Laura!  

"Oh, yes.  Lothuviel.  She is very kind," the first one replied.  

Larien sort of looked a bit miffed when this comment was made.  "But, did you see how she was practically _throwing_ herself at Legolas during dinner?" she hissed.  They all nodded again, this time with smirks on their faces.  Uh-oh.  

"And did you hear what happened after dinner?" another whispered.  A couple of the elves shook their heads and leaned in closer.  "Well, she went on a 'walk' with King Thranduil.  Apparently they _kissed!_"  My eyes widened.  And my jaw dropped.

_THRANDUIL!?!?!?!!?_

**_EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!_**

The women gasped, and Larien smirked again.  "Is that not the most awful thing ever?  Apparently, Trelan is courting her!"  

"He is?"

"Yes.  Do you know, I think Lothuviel must be the most dreadful minx in all of Mirkwood.  No woman has been with the king since I can remember," Larien said snobbishly.  Oh, she is going down!!!

I sprinted around the corner and ran right into her on purpose.  She fell with an "Oof!" as her butt hit the floor.  I grinned at her face, which was now level with mine.  "Oh, I'm _sooooo_ sorry, Larien. (cough cough)  Didn't see you there."  I turned to the other maids.  "You all can clear off now.  Me and Slavey Girl need to have a bit of a chit-chat."  They all looked at each other, then turned and walked away.  I spun back around and glared at Larien.  "So, you think my best friend's a minx, eh?  I wonder what Legolas would think if he found out about that lil' comment..."

"You wouldn't dare!" she said, obviously seething.

"Oh, but I would.  I guess there's not gonna be any more flirting between you and your lust object anymore..."  I turned around and started to walk away.

"Wait!" she cried.  I grinned and looked back at her.

"What?"

"I shall stop speaking of Lothuviel if you will promise not to tell Legolas about this... this discussion."

"Hrm... maybeh... no."  I ran away as fast as I could, leaving her there screaming curses at me.  Mwahahahahaa!!  Now time to find Laura...

**~Laura POV~**

Later that morning, I woke up with a humongous headache.  "Ergh.  I promise that I'll never drink that wine again if you make this headache go away, God," I said.  

Five minutes later, I was still in hangover mode.  So much for the Big Man in the sky.  I think I'll become a Buddist starting as soon as I get back to Earth.

Which is hopefully never.

I groaned and fell out of bed, then dragged myself over to the wardrobe after noticing that I was still wearing my dress from last night.  I dug through all the clothes and pulled out a cool little shirt tunic thing that had a tie-up top, sort of like a pirate shirt.  It was very cool.  Then I slipped on some leggings and put up my lace-up boots, and wrote a quick note to leave on my desk:

_Dear Lauren aka Lulu,_

_I have gone out for a ride in the woods ALONE.  I swear.  My head was hurting like a mother when I woke up, and I think that maybe fresh air can treat hangovers.  If I'm not back by dinnertime, then I'm either:_

_A: Dead,_

_B: Unconscious, or_

_C: On my way back and I got lost so please send SOMEONE (cough cough) to come rescue me._

_Toodles, mon petite nincompoop!!_

_~Lothuviel_

"Good enough for me," I said out loud as I put the quill back into the little inkbottle.  I grabbed my little dagger, then left the palace and walked into the woods.

"PBBBBBBBBBBBBBBT!!!" I called.  Soon I heard the cantering footsteps of my faithful steed, Erregroth.  Woo!  "Greetings, young spoon," I said as he stopped next to me.  He just kind of gave me a weird look and shook his head.  I scrambled up onto his back and turned him in towards the deeper part of the forest, where all the fun stuff happens.  I kicked his ribs and we galloped into the trees.  In less than a minute the palace was out of sight.

After an hour or so, though, it was apparent that Erregroth was _not_ in the mood for a little joyride.  After about five minutes of angry whinnying, I found myself on the ground, watching his butt fade into the distance.  "YEAH, WELL I HATE YOU TOO!!!" I screamed after him.  I looked up at the sky and noticed that it was very, very cloudy.  Oh great...

_~Five minutes later~_

Okay, it's official.  God hates me.  Maybe I don't pray enough, but is it _really_ necessary to send such a violent storm down on me while I'm in the middle of a strange forest with no shelter, food, or method of transportation?  The answer is no, it's not.

Run, run, stumble, trip, fall, run, skid, must find shelter... AHA!!! I found a small cave and quickly dived into it to get out of the pouring rain.  

Brrr, it was coooold.  The entrance to the cave was fairly small, but inside there was enough room that you could fit about ten people or so comfortably.  Any sensible person would have noticed that there was a fresh fire pit made in the center, but, being the idiot that I am, I thought it was something else.  I'm not exactly sure _what, _but I definitely didn't think of a fire pit.  

I was probably in the cave for nearly an hour.  By that time, it was almost dark, and the temperature had fallen quite a bit.  Oh wonderful.  Now I'm going to freeze to death.  Just as I was about to fall asleep curled up in a ball on the cave floor, I heard voices outside the cave.  _Yay, my love has come to rescue me!_ I thought ecstatically.  

Oh, how wrong I was.

~*~*~*~

*runs through the streets yelling* IT'S HERE!!! IT'S HERE!!!  THE UPDATE IS FINALLY HERE!!!  Yes, I know it sucked.  But hey, a sucky update is better than no update, right?

*crickets*

Meanies... Hehehe, I have to agree with all of you on one thing: Legolas on the drums would be very hot.  LOL!!

Much lurve and Leggy,

**_~*!Laura!*~_**


	14. NOT YOU!

~*~*~*~

I grinned as I heard the footsteps outside of the cave come closer.  Finally, my loverly Elven prince had come to rescue me.  I stood up and smoothed out my clothes, then ran my fingers through my hair, just in case.  Then I strode out of the cave with a (fake) scared look on my face.

"Oh, thank the Valar you have found me, LeeeEEEEK!!!!!" I shrieked and dove back inside the cave.  Oh GOD!!! Not him!!  Of all the people in Middle-Earth, it _had_ to be him!

"Lothuviel! Are you all right?" Lenwe stepped inside the cave with a worried look on his face.  I spun around and glared at him, my hands on my hips.

"Where is Legolas?" I asked snobbishly.

"Legolas? Why, he is back at the palace.  But what are you doing all the way out here?" He laid a hand on my shoulder.  

"Grrr," I growled.  He got the point and stepped back a few feet.  

"I ask again, why are you so far from home?" 

"I was out riding until that stupid horse of mine threw me off and ran away!" I practically screamed.  This was NOT the !@#$ plan!

"Oh... Well, I have come out here with a hunting party.  We were going to stay in this cave like we always do.  But now we must get you back to the palace.  You must be cold."  He took off his cloak and put it around my shoulders.  I rolled my eyes, but it _did_ keep me warm, so I didn't chuck it back at him like I was going to do.

"Thank you," I mumbled.

"You are quite welcome.  Come now, let us head for home." He led me out of the cave and over to the little group of elves that was with him.  One of them I recognized as the elf that had greeted me on the day that I arrived in Mirkwood.  _What is his name!?!_

"Lady Lothuviel," he said with a bow.  

"Hail... Mr. Elf." Wow, didn't that make me look SOOO intelligent.

He glanced at me with a bemused smile.  "My name is Tarandur," he said.  Oh _yeah!_

"My apologies, Tarandur.  I could not remember your name." Obviously.

"That is quite all right, my lady.  You have been through much.  How-" Before he could finish, Stalker Elf walked over and started explaining how I had gotten all the way out there.  

"Now, I am afraid we must cut our hunting short and get the fair Lady Lothuviel back home.  She has been through much."  He tried to put his hand on my shoulder again.

"Get your filthy hands off of me," I said through gritted teeth, "or you will die a slow and painful death."  He pretended not to hear me and did it anyway.  Unfortunately, I had lost my dagger somewhere along the way, or I would have killed him.  

Tarandur, on the other hand, seemed to realize that I hated Lenwe's guts.  "Perhaps you would like to ride with me, Lothuviel?" he asked.  

I nodded vigorously.  "Thank you!" I squeaked and ran over to his side.  Lenwe glared at Tarandur, then spun around and walked off.  I turned to my savior.  "Oh, thank you thank you thank you thank you!!" I said, practically sobbing.  He smiled.

"I realized that you are not too fond of Lenwe.  Why?"  

"Well, he has been stalking me since the first day that I was in Mirkwood, and does not seem to get the point that I am not fond of him," I explained.  Tarandur nodded knowingly.

"This is not the first time this has happened.  Lenwe seems to think that he can always get his way when it comes to women.  Obviously, that is not the case."  Just then we came to a group of horses.  Tarandur pointed to a black one, and I mounted it and he got up behind me.  As soon as everyone was on their horses, we set off.

~*~

"Are we there yet?" 

"Not yet."

Pause.

"How about now?"

"Almost, Lothuviel."

Five minutes later...

"Are we EVER going to get there?!"

"We are still fifteen minutes away. Please try to be patient," Tarandur said irritably.  Hm, maybe I've pissed him off a bit... nah.

A very long fifteen minutes later, we rode through the gates to the palace.  Yay!  As soon as I was off the horse, the front door burst open, and Trelan, Legolas, and lil' Mary-sue came running down the steps towards me.

"Are you all right?" Trelan asked.  He took me in a big hug and squeezed me really, really tight.

"Trelan.  Lothuviel needs to breathe," I gasped.

"Oh.  Sorry," he said.  Then it was Lauren's turn to hug me.

"I was so scawed!!" she sobbed as she threw her arms around my legs.  I looked down at her with a raised eyebrow.

"Really?"

She rolled her eyes and mouthed "no".  Oh thanks, bestest friend in the world.  Next, Legolas came up and put his hand on my shoulder.

"I am glad that you are safe, my friend.  I was quite worried when you did not come back by nightfall."

"I am sorry, Legolas," I said quietly.

"It is not your fault.  But this is the second time that Erregroth has thrown you.  Perhaps it is time that we find you a new horse." 

"Very well."  He smiled and patted my arm, then said, "Now, how about you take a bath and have something to eat?  I am sure you will feel better after that."  I nodded and followed him inside, with everyone else coming in behind me.

~*~

(Laura: *runs by with sign.  Sign reads, The next day…* THE NEEEEEEEEXT DAY!!!)

Stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp.  Pause.

"BOOF!!!"

"AAHH!!" I screamed as I was flung out of the bed by my favorite little hobbit in Middle-earth.  

"Good morning, sunshine!" Lauren screamed in my ear.  I cringed and slapped her upside the head. "Owies."

"Lulu, is it that hard to realize that a simple, "Laura, wake up" would suffice?" I asked irritably.

"I tried that.  All you said was 'Ungh.'" I rolled my eyes and stood up.

"Whatever.  So, young spoon, what is on your agenda for the day?" I asked.

"Dunno.  There's nothing to do around here," she whined.

"Yes there is.  You just need to explore a little bit."

"What do you think I've been doing the past three weeks?" she argued.  

"How about this: since we're in Middle-earth, and one of the most important skills here is knowing how to fight, why don't you go ask Trelan to teach you how to shoot a bow and arrow?"

"Oooh, that sounds like fun!" she squealed as she jumped up and down. "C'mon, get dressed and let's go find him!"

"No, Lulu.  I'm just going to do my own thing today.  You go find him yourself."  I shoved her out the door and went to the wardrobe to get dressed.  I picked out a blue skirt with a matching long-sleeved top and put my hair back in a braid.  I thought for a minute about what I wanted to do, and decided that practicing my sword fighting sounded like fun.  I grabbed my sword and sheathe, and then walked downstairs to the kitchen, where I grabbed a big bagel-like thing.  I munched happily on my breakfast as I wandered outside towards the archery range.  I figured that there would most likely be someone to help me with fencing.

As I got closer to the range, I could hear voices.  Good, then I'd have someone to fight with.  Someone who would most likely kick my ass.  Oh well.  

Everyone that was there sort of stopped what they were doing and watched as I came into view.  Oh great.  Not only am I an outcast in my own world, I'm an outcast here, too.  Isn't that just great?

"Hello," I said quietly.  To my surprise, almost everyone replied, instead of ignoring me.  I recognized a lot of the elves that were there.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw someone come near me, and when I turned towards them, I saw that it was Tarandur.  Whoopee!

"Good morning, Lothuviel," he said with yet another bow.

"Good morning.  How are you today?" I asked.

"Very well, thank you.  I see that you have your sword.  Were you hoping to find someone to practice with?" 

"Well, yes, sort of," I mumbled.  Oh great.  I'm going to completely embarrass myself.  

"Would you like to practice with-"

"Oh, _hello_ Lothuviel," I heard someone say a bit sarcastically.  It was a female voice.  I turned around and glared when I saw who it was.

"Good day, Larien.  What are you doing here?  Shouldn't you be cleaning something?" I asked sweetly.  A few people chuckled.  She narrowed her eyes and glared back at me.

"Actually, today I have a day off.  Were you hoping to find another man to fall in love with you?" Her voice dripped with sticky sweetness.  

She must die.

"Indeed, I was hoping to find someone who would be a challenge for me to fight.  Obviously, you are not that person," I replied.  She stiffened and drew her sword.

"Well then, why don't we see who is the more skilled swordswoman?" she growled.

"Bring it on, slavey girl," I shot back.  All the elves nearby formed a circle around us, and we began to duel.  

Contrary to what I had thought, Larien was actually pretty good.  I tried to figure out what was going on inside her stupid little pretty head, but she was too sneaky.  Several times she tried to trip me, and on one occasion actually did.  I nearly fell, but I caught myself and spun around, swiping madly at her.  She sort of shrieked and stepped back, which gave me a chance to gain back the offensive position.  She growled and started muttering curses out me.  I just raised my eyebrows and fought that much harder.

"Never...*_clang_* call me a... *_clash_* prissy little whore again... *_clang clang_*," I growled at her.  Her eyes glittered, and she lunged at me, swiping at my legs.  I screeched as I heard my skirt rip, and took a second to look down.  She had barely scraped the skin, but I was still bleeding quite a bit. Her sword had made a slit in my skirt that went all the way to the middle of my thigh.  I am going to kill her!!!  Larien struck out at me one last time; I spun around, avoiding her sword, and held the tip of my blade to her throat. She gasped slightly, and I grinned.  "You're dead," I whispered.   She angrily put her sword back in her sheathe, then spun around and stomped away.  "Loser," I muttered.

There were some murmurs of approval going through the small crowd of elves.  "Well done, Lothuviel," Tarandur said.  "You are quite skilled with a sword."

I grinned. "Thank you."  

"Now," he continued, "would you like to fight against me?" 

I bit my lip and shook my head.  "Oh, no, that is quite all right.  You would beat me terribly."

"One learns more when one is beaten. Come now, please?" he asked.  Good Lord, I'm going to die.

"Oh, fine," I mumbled, getting into a ready stance.  Faretheewell, dignity.

Yes, Larien had been pretty good.  She had nearly beaten me.  Take that much skill times ten.  Now you've got Tarandur.  Aww man... I found that he had a slightly longer sword than Larien had had; I realized that if I could make him loosen his grip on it, then it would be painful to fight.  

"Move your feet more!" Tarandur said casually.  Jebus, he acts like he's standing and talking about the weather!  Okay, he wants me to move my feet more?  I'll give him moving my feet more.  

I (quite literally) jumped into the air and landed about two feet from him, which caught him off guard.  He staggered back a bit, and I took advantage of his surprise.  I sped up my strikes and lunged out at him.  Big mistake.  I missed, and he saw that there was only a little bit of space between his sword tip and me.  He struck and I felt cold metal against my chest.

"I tried to tell you, but did you listen? Nooooo," I said with my free hand on my hip.  He laughed and sheathed his sword.  "Yes, you did tell me.  But you fought well.  I am impressed." 

"Thanks," I muttered.  I started to walk back toward the palace, until I heard someone call my name.  Well, my Elvish name.

"Lothuviel." I turned around.  Oh god.  It was Legolas.

"Good morning, Legolas," I said.  He smiled.

"It looks as though you had a good morning.  I saw you duel with Larien and Tarandur." Oh boy... I looked at the ground.  "You did well.  I was simply wondering if you would like to fight me." I looked up at him.

"Pardon?" I asked stupidly.

"Do you have enough energy to duel with me?" he repeated.  I was about to say no, but then, how would I impress him? He already thinks that I'm weird, knows that I get thrown off a horse easily, and I can't shoot.  Oh hell.

"Oh, all right."  I walked back to the clearing and stood there looking at him.  "Are you sure you even want to waste your time doing this?" I asked.

"I am sure.  Come on, unsheathe your sword."  I sighed and stood in a stance.  "Ready?" I nodded reluctantly. I took a deep breath, and struck out at him.  He parried and started fighting back.  Already I knew I was going to get my ass kicked.

Duh.

In less than a minute, Legolas had the point of his sword pressed slightly into my stomach.  I sighed.  "Yes, yes, I know. I lose," I mumbled.  He laughed and pulled the sword away.  "Try again," he said kindly.

"What? No, thank you, I do not want to be embarrassed yet again."  I raised my eyebrow at him.  The "audience" that was around us was staring accusingly.  "What?" I asked.

Legolas smiled again.  "You do not deny a prince of what he wants," he said in mock seriousness.  

"But- but..." I searched desperately for some sort of argument.  

"Once more. Please?" He looked at me pleadingly.  Oh brother.  I mumbled angrily and got back into a stance.  

"Fine.  Go ahead and waste another thirty seconds of your life," I said sarcastically.  He grinned and we started to fight again.  The whole time he was smiling in an irritating (yet very hot) way. 

"What?" I hissed as I struck out.

"You must move faster," he replied.

"I am moving as fast as I can!"

"No, you are not.  I have seen you move faster."  He paused as our swords met with a _clang_. "Perhaps you remember a few days ago in the woods?  You were singing? And dancing?"  

My jaw dropped as the group started muttering. He _had_ seen me! "You were spying on me!?"

"No.  I was just taking a walk in the woods," he said innocently.  Oh, that does it, Mr. Hotty Elf Prince.  I pulled my sword away and struck out angrily.  How dare he!? "There you go!" he exclaimed as I sped up and lunged at him furiously.  "I told you that you could do it!" 

I scowled at him and parried as he struck.  For several more minutes we continued to circle and strike.  I watched every move that he made, trying to find a pattern.  I dodged out of the way as his sword tip came within inches of hitting me.  I sliced at him, which pushed him back a few feet.  I wanted to win so badly.  

Fat chance.

I shrieked as he kicked my legs out from under me, and I fell with a _thud_ to the forest floor.  He smiled as he held his sword to my cheek.  I glared up at him.

"Very-"  But before he could before he could finish what he was saying, I gathered together my nerve and kicked at his ankles, going "Rrraghh!"  He, too, fell to the ground, and everyone gasped.  He stared up at the tree limbs above us in shock for a second, then turned his head towards me.  

"Nicely done," he said with a genuine smile.  He stood up and helped me to my feet.  Then he kissed my hand, and walked away without another word.

~*~*~*~

Yay, new chapter finally!  Sorry that took so long, y'all!  Mwahaha, I pulled a move from the movie "Miss Congeniality"!  You know, when Sandra Bullock and that one dude are fighting and he knocks her down, and then she knocks _him_ down? Yeah!  Thanks again to all of you who offered me ideas!  I think I've gotten this story back on track!  Luv ya all tons!

Much lurve, Legolas, Will, and Orlando,

**_~*!Laura!*~_**


	15. Arachnaphobia

Responses to my reviewers whom I love more than life itself (in a completely non-disgusting way!!)

**Crystyna:** LOL! Chill out.  He kissed my hand.  (Woo!)  But that's all.  Oh, and speaking of Elladan and Elrohir (The twin Gods of Hotness): They _will_ be appearing later on!! HUZZAH!!  Oh, and I think you will be excited when you see this chapter.  Read to find out! ;)

**Sugaricing: **My dear muffin? LOL! Yay! I am a random breakfast food! *does a happy dance* Hehe.  Yes, yes, he kissed my hand.  But why is that such a big deal? People did that all the time... although we are talking about Legolas, which is a _completely_ different story...

**TwinkieFreak: **Hehehe, yes, I tend to get pissed off when people spy on me.  Like Lenwe.  Now if only I could do something evil to him... *cackles*

**Silverviolinist16/Amadeus16: **Glad you like it so much!

**Ainu Laire: **I'm glad you like my writing.  I's so happy now!  *hugs self* Oh, and sorry about the whole AH-nold Schwazenneger thing.  I understand now, thanks to you! ^__^

**GoddessofDreams03: **One of the best fics you have read? Wow, thanks!  Although I am sure that there are PLENTY of stories better than this on the site.  But thanks again! 

**Legolassdiosa/Aboo: **Hehehe, I was wondering if you would catch that thing from camp! Yay Camp Barbee!  LOL, and remember how I looked up what your Elvish name was on that name generator? *giggles* I just realized that your first name would be Larien!! HAHAHA!! *snorts* Sorry, I just found that _way_ too funny!

**Lolly: **LOL! Enough junk in his trunk... hahahaha.  YES! It was Lenwe, the evil little stalker jerk! No one stalks **me** and gets away with it! (Believe me, there are a couple of freak-o-fanatics that have experience.) *cackles* Woo, hotty elf twins shall appear in the next few chapters! *does a happy dance* Yay! Hehe, Larien went _down! _Huzzah! Oh, and did you know your author name is in a song?  It's from School House Rock! "Lolly, Lolly, Lolly! Get your adverbs here!" LMAO.

**SilverLady04:** Yeah! I whooped her good, too, yo! I think Lenwe is _incapable_ of taking a hint.  Guess I'm gonna hafta kick his butt, too! Hehe, yeah, I liked that last bit, too.  Hope you enjoy this chapter as much as the last one! 

~*~*~*~

I watched with my mouth hanging open as Legolas walked away nonchalantly.  I could not believe this!  He had been _spying_ on me!

In a way, I was happy.  I mean, if he was watching me, then it obviously showed that he was interested in me; if not in a loving way, then a friendly way.  But then I was also really pissed off.  How _dare_ he follow me when I was trying to be alone!

I growled and started to walk away.  "Wait!" Tarandur called.  I sighed and looked back at him.  "Would you like to have a sword fighting lesson?" he asked.  I meant to say "no", but it came out as, "I would love to." _Shut up, you stupid mouth, shut up!_

"Wonderful!" Tarandur exclaimed.  Then he started explaining all the things I had done wrong when I was fighting him and Legolas.  

Half a century later, he finally shut up and let me go.  I sprinted away towards the palace, ready to chew out Legolas.  I ran through the entry gate and up into the main hall, where there were dozens of elves standing around talking (as usual).  I found Trelan and ran over to him.

"Where is he!?" I growled.  Trelan gave me a bemused look.

"Who are you looking for?"

"Legolas!"

"Oh.  You have just missed him.  He is out taking a walk in the woods."  _Damn!!_ I growled and started to turn to go back outside.  "Lothuviel, wait.  You are injured." He pointed to my leg where that bitch Larien had swiped me with her sword.  

"Oh, 'tis not that bad.  I can get it fixed later," I said.

"No, you do not want it to get infected.  Come, I'll clean if for you."  He took my hand and led me down the hall a bit.  All the elves ogled at us, and I just ogled back.  What's wrong with getting a wound cleaned by your "wooer"?

Trelan opened a door and led me inside the room.  It looked like a storage room.  There were lots of cabinets and those little grinding thingys that doctors used to use to chop up medicine in the old days.  He motioned for me to sit down on a wooden chair in one of the corners, then opened one of the cabinets and took out a bottle and some bandages.  

"So, what exactly happened?" he said as he started cleaning the cut.  I cringed as he poured on some of the ointment, and explained how I had been practicing sword fighting and dueled with Larien.  He nodded and started wrapping the gauze around my leg.

"There we go," he said a few minutes later.  He stood up and patted my knee.  "That should make it feel better.  Why don't you go change your clothes and rest for a while?  It sounds like you have had a very busy morning."  

"I think I shall," I replied and stood up.  Trelan was nice enough to walk me back to my room.  I gave him a hug, then went into my room and closed the door.  Lauren was there waiting for me.  

"Where have you been?" she asked.  

"I was down at the archery range sword fighting," I told her.

"You? Sword fighting? Ha!" she replied.  

"FYI, Mary-sue, I kicked Larien's snooty little ass," I said.  

"Oooh, tell me, tell me!" she squealed.  I told her about the duels I had fought, and she seemed pretty impressed.  "You knocked your lover elf down?" she asked.  I nodded.  "You're so dumb," she muttered as she walked out of the room.  I sighed and locked the door behind her, then went over to the wardrobe for the second time that day.  I picked out some leggings and a tunic that were very similar to the ones that Legolas wears during the War of the Ring.  Then I grabbed an apple out of the fruit basket on my dresser and went out onto the balcony.  I quickly ate the apple, then climbed over the railing and leapt onto the tree that was a few feet away and shimmied slowly down it.  Well, I sort of fell the last twenty feet, but fortunately my huge butt helped cushion my fall.  I stood up, rubbed my ass for a second, then ran into the woods to look for Legolas.  He was so going down.

I slowed to a walk after about a mile.  Mind you, although I was in an elf body, I sure as hell wasn't as fit as a real elf.  I stopped and sat on a tree stump to catch my breath.  Woo.  I'm not gonna do that again for a while.  Suddenly I heard some leaves rustling behind me.  It sounded like footsteps.  Ohgodohgod.  I had forgotten my sword!  CrapcrapCRAP!!  I picked up biggest stick I could find and wielded it threateningly.  "That had better be you, Legolas!" I called.  The rustling stopped, then started again, this time closer.  I bit my lip and backed up a step, but ran into something soft.  I screamed, spun around, and whacked the person with the stick upside the head.  They fell to the ground with an "_Oof!"_ and lay there without making a sound.  I looked down to see who it was, and immediately recognized that it was Lenwe by the brown hair.  _Jesus Christ, does he **ever** stop stalking me!?_ I thought exasperatedly.  I poked him in the stomach with the stick, but he didn't move.  _Huh.  He must be unconscious.  _I shrugged and walked away, leaving him there.  _If I'm lucky a bear or something will find him and eat him._

I kept walking down the barely-visible path through the woods, stopping every so often to make sure Lenwe hadn't woken up and followed me.  The farther into the forest I went, the scarier it became.  There was long mossy stuff hanging from the trees, and there was a bit of a misty glow to everything.  It was quite creepy.  I jumped every time I accidentally stepped on a twig.

"Okay, you know what?" I said out loud. "Enough of this.  Legolas can find himself. I'm going home."  I turned around and sprinted back the way I came, and didn't stop until the forest looked normal again. 

I sighed as the palace came into view.  I guess there wouldn't be any more adventure for me today.  I walked into the courtyard and quite literally ran into Legolas.

"Lothuviel!" he said happily.  His smile turned to a frown when he saw my death glare.  "What ever is the matter?"

"Oh, I do not know, Legolas.  Perhaps it would be the fact that you were SPYING ON ME!!" I shrieked.  Everyone else that was in the courtyard became silent and stared at us.  Legolas gave them an apologetic look, then turned to me.  "Maybe we should speak about this somewhere private," he said quietly.  

"Fine," I huffed.  He walked back out towards the woods, and I followed him.  Once we were about two hundred yards from the palace, he stopped and looked at me.  

"Lothuviel, I apologize for following you," he said quietly.  I forced myself not to melt under his apologetic expression.  "It was wrong of me."

"Then why did you do it?" I asked angrily.

"I did it to make sure that you would not be injured or get lost," he explained.  

It's really hard to stay mad at someone who is as hot as he is.

"I understand, and I thank you for your care.  But it was not necessary," I told him.  Damn him and his elvishly good sexiness!

"I am glad you are no longer upset with me.  How is your leg feeling?" he asked.

I looked up at him, shocked.  "You saw that?"

He nodded.  "Larien should not have cut you that badly.  It was not a fair move." 

I shrugged.  "It is feeling better anyways.  Trelan cleaned it and put a bandage on it for meee_EEEEEEK!!!!!_"

"What is it?!" Legolas shouted over my wailing.

"Spider! SPIDER!!!" I screamed, pointing behind him.  He whirled around and immediately fit an arrow to his bowstring, frantically looking around.  "Where?! I do not see it!"

"HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE IT!? IT'S HUGE!!!" I screeched.

"Where!?"

"AIIEEEEEEE, IT'S BY YOUR HEAD!!!" He ducked and aimed his arrow up, then lowered it.  

"Lothuviel, it is nothing but a little wolf spider-" he tried to explain.

"KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT _KILL IT!!!_"

"It is quite harmless, I assure you."

"KILL IT!!!"

"It is not even the size of an arrow head-"

"FOR THE LOVE OF THE VALAR, LEGOLAS, JUST KILL THE DAMNED SPIDER!!!!" He sighed and swatted it to the ground, then stomped on it.  "Is it dead?" I whimpered.  

"Yes."

"You sure?" He picked up his foot, revealing the remains of the spider.

"I am pretty sure," he said with a smile.  I let out a sigh of relief.  We started walking back towards the palace.  

"I had no idea you were so afraid of spiders, milady," he said with a grin.

"Shut up, Legolas."

~*~*~*~

The next few weeks flew by faster than flying asparagus.  Legolas was nice enough to get me a new maid.  Her name was Morharmaiel.  She had brown hair and green eyes... and great fashion sense.  She was _incredibly_ cool.  Oh yes, and she was completely ga-ga for Legolas (who isn't?) We became great friends over the next three months.  One of our favorite things to do was stalk Legolas.  

One day the three of us (Lauren, Morharmaiel, and I) were sitting on a bench in the gardens.  By now it was late fall, and the leaves in the forest had turned from bright green to orange, yellow, brown, and red.  It was absolutely gorgeous, and I found myself spending even more time outside than usual.  

Anyways, we were sitting outside in the gardens one day, talking about make-up.  (I guess elves and humans _aren't_ that different.)  Lauren was playing with one of those fuzzy caterpillars that come out in the fall.  (A/N: In Indiana we call them wooly bears. I don't know what other people call them.  They're brown and black usually.  They are SO cute!)  Suddenly she started coughing her lungs out.  Morharmaiel and I stood up and ran over to her.  "Does anyone know the Heimlich!?" I shouted.  Morharmaiel stared at me like I was insane, then started whacking Lauren on the back.  

"Are you all right, Mary-sue?" she asked.  Lauren managed to stop coughing long enough to shake her head 'no'.  "We should take her up to her room," said.  I nodded and picked up the still-hacking Lauren.  We walked up to her room, and I set her on the bed.  

"I *cough* wanna go *cough hack wheeze cough cough* to her room," Lauren said as she pointed at me.  I raised an eyebrow at her.

"Why?"

"'Cause *cough cough lung is coming out* your bed is *cough* bigger."

"Yes, and then I will get sick and..." Crap.  Elves can't get sick.  Damnation.  "I mean, _of course_ you can sleep in my room, Mary-sue darling.  I would LOVE that," I said through clenched teeth.  _And once you are asleep I will slowly and painfully strangle the life out of you, you little moron._

So I picked her back up and we trudged up to my room, where I laid her in _my_ bed and covered her up with _my_ sheets. Morharmaiel put a hand on Lauren's forehead and quickly pulled it away.  "My goodness!" she exclaimed.  "You feel like you are on fire, Mary-sue!  I will go get one of the healers."  With that she rushed out of the room.  I looked down at Lauren and glared at her. 

"You had better not be faking this, you know," I said angrily.  She looked up at me with tired eyes.

"How *cough* can I fake having a fever?" she asked in a croaky voice.  Crap, she's got me there.  

"You... uh... put a really hot heat pad on your forehead and left it there for a while?" I said hopefully.  She scowled at me, and we sat in silence for the next few minutes.  I heard the door open suddenly behind us, and I turned around as a woman in a white dress walked quickly into the room with Morharmaiel following her.  

"What seems to be the matter?" she asked as she shoved me out of the way.  Grrr.

"I *cough cough* dun feel good," Lauren croaked.  I must start calling her Frog Girl.

"Well, _obviously_," the elf said with sarcasm.  I wrinkled my nose.  What a witch.  The elf (who's name was Tári) quickly examined Lauren's throat, nose, and ears, then pulled some bottles out of the bag she was carrying.  "Open your mouth," she said.  Lauren did so, and Tári poured some brown liquid down her throat.  Lulu started spluttering and gagging, then calmed down a bit.  Within minutes she was fast asleep and drooling all over the pillow.

"That should keep her asleep until tomorrow.  I am very busy right now, and will have to deal with her then."  Tari turned and strode quickly out the door, leaving me with Morharmaiel.

"What do we do now?" I asked. She shrugged.

"I am going to go see if I can find Legolas.  I guess you are stuck here.  Fare well!" she called as she sprinted out the door.  I glared after her and threw myself into one of the armchairs in my room.  How selfish of Lauren to go get sick right when Legolas might be showing a tad bit of interest in me.  

I must get her back.

~_The next day...~_

"Laaaaaura," Lauren called.  I looked up from my book with a scowl.

"What?"

"Will you read *hack* a story to me?" she asked.

"No."

"Pleeeee- *cough* eeease?" she begged.  I slammed my book shut and stomped over to her bed.

"Alright, Lauren," I said in a fake sweet voice. "Once upon a time there was a gorgeous fifteen year old girl named Laura.  She was the most beautiful girl in the entire universe and everyone thought she was cool and sweet and nice.  Oh, and all the hot men in the world thought she was purdyful.  One day her annoying little friend named Lauren came over to her house to watch "Lord of the Rings" with her.  Suddenly, Laura got zapped to Middle-earth.  There she met the hottest guy of all hotness, named Legolas.  He was instantly stunned by her gorgeousosity, and fell _madly_ in love with her.  Unfortunately for him, he couldn't show his love for her for reasons unknown.  Anyways, a few months later, Lauren popped up out of nowhere and, in a fit of selfishness, decided to become sick and completely ruin Laura's chances with Legolas.  So Laura, naturally, became very pissed, and one night-" I paused as the door opened.  I looked behind me and saw Legolas.  I quickly turned back to Lauren.  

"And so the beautiful elf named Lauren and the handsome ranger lived happilyeverafterTheEnd.  Oh, hello Legolas.  How are you this lovely morning?" I crooned.

"I am well, thank you.  How are you feeling, Mary-sue?" he said, completely forgetting about me.  I watched with my mouth and eyes wide open as they started having a conversation together.  _I am going to SLAP Lauren once he leaves!!!!_ my mind shrieked.

"Where are you going, Lothuviel?" Legolas asked as I stomped towards the door.

"To get some soup for dear Mary-sue," I said, all sticky sweetness. _To pour on her stupid little HEAD!!!_ I added mentally.  Lauren smirked behind Legolas' back as he smiled. 

"You are a good friend," he said.  I grinned triumphantly at Lulu before walking out the door. 

I slunk down the hallways towards the kitchen, hoping there was some form of elvish instant soup.  _There probably isn't_, I thought tragically.  Just my luck.  Maybe they have some Easy Mac stashed away somewhere...

To get to the kitchen I had to go past the big entrance hallway.  I heard voices coming from inside, so I paused mid-step to see who it was.

What I saw made my heart stop.

~*~*~*~

DundunDUN!!! What did I see? *cackles* I love cliffhangers... but only if I write them. Hehehe.  So be thinkin' about who... or what... it may be.  See ya next time!

Much lurve and Leggy,

**_~*!Laura!*~_**


	16. In which Legolas proclaims his love for ...

**_Responses to my fantabulous reviewers!_**

**Crystyna: **Yesh, you are in here! Yay.  Haha, I bet you _would_ ditch me for Legolas.  But that's okay.  Because if I were in your shoes, I would have done the same thing. :D

**Aero Shooter: ***gulp* Here's your update.  Please don't make heads roll.  I quite like mine, thanks very much.

**Lolly: ***cackles like the maniac that she is* YES!! It's the Lolly song!  But I won't sing it anymore because I am kind like that. ^__^  LMAO! I was actually thinking of making Lauren eat the caterpillar (no seriously, I was!), but I thought that might be a little _too_ over-the-top.  And yes.  Lenwe is sick.  He affects people's minds in strange ways.  You will see that in this chapter.

**Sugaricing:** *does a weird test to see if flying asparagus goes faster than her updates* Yep, the asparagus won.  Oh well.  Here's your update!

**Aboo: **Ah, but you are WRONG, Abberz!  I looked up your name on that thing, and it came up with Larien Saralonde (at least on my computer).  Teehee. ^__^****

**SilverLady04:** Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's... LEGOLAS!! *pushes Legolas out from behind a curtain.  He is wearing a superman outfit and blushing terribly* *cue for mass drooling from the fangirls* Yes, it's Super Legolas!  Saving the world one spider at a time!

**Undomiel: **Yes I know.  I am terrible for my cliffhangers.  I'm evil. *cackles* And I love it. :D  Well, here's your update!  (And I react that exact same way when I see a spider!)

**Ainu Laire: **Glad you liked the chapter!  I'll try to read your stories as soon as I can!  But it might be a while.  I am a very busy teenager.  Go figure.****

**Amadeus16: ***cackles* YOU ARE WRONG!!! XDD But that's okay.  I didn't expect anyone to get it anyway.****

**Flamingo Feathers:**  Thanks for those tips.  Actually, I did know that the palace at Mirkwood was mostly caves, but it completely slipped my mind when I first wrote this part of the story (probably because of my complete stupidity).  I would go back and change it, but I'm too lazy. :D  But I didn't know that elves don't have servants.  Then again, there's a ton of stuff I don't know about LOTR. But thanks again for the tips! And yes, the giant spiders will come in at some point in time. Glad you like it. ^__^

Oh, and I have fantasteric news.  _BRADY BROKE UP WITH HIS BITCHY GIRLFRIEND!!!! *_does a happy dance* You have no idea how excited I was.  I laughed at her every time she walked by.  She truly is a bitch and I hate her.  But he dumped her! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!  *cough* Sorry.  Teenage hormones are on a rampage.  

Oh yes, and no one guessed who/what was at the door.  But that's okay.  Like I told Amadeus16, I didn't expect anyone to get it.  

~*~*~*~

I couldn't believe what I saw.  This was truly a bloody miracle!  It was way too cool.  I darted to the other side of the large doorway and peeked around the edge, and grinned again.  

I was inside _The Hobbit!_

In the entryway stood about a dozen little men, all dressed in cloaks, a few carrying walking sticks.  A few male elves were surrounding them, bows and arrows drawn threateningly.  I almost puked when I saw that one of them was Lenwe.  _Ergh._  In front of them was Thranduil, wearing a crown made from leaves and berries.  As gay as it sounds, it was actually kind of cool.  Anyways, he seemed to be very pissed off.  He was arguing with one of the little men.  The guards (and Lenwe, who doesn't count) pulled their arrows back, as if daring the little dude to keep talking.

"Take them to the dungeons," Thranduil growled.  "Make sure no one follows you."  He spun on his heel and walked away as the guards prodded the little men with their arrows.  Crapola, they were coming my way!  I searched for somewhere to hide, and found a statue that was back in a little nook.  I darted behind it and watched as the group walked past and down the hallway to the right.  _Oh,_ I thought.  _That was interesting.  I think I'll just go get that soup now._

NOT.

I must tell you right now that I must be one of the most curious people in the world.  Once you get me interested in something, it's EXTREMELY hard to get me un-interested.  "Make sure no one follows you" my butt, Thranduil.  

I quietly crept along behind the hobbits and dwarves and elves.  They continued down the same hall for a ways, then took a left.  I peeked around the corner and saw that Lenwe was unlocking an inconspicuous door in the wall.  It opened, and everyone except for him and another elf went inside.  Then he closed the door again and relocked it.  

This was so unfair!  I was in one of the best parts of the book and I don't even get to spy on anyone?!  I dun think so, bubba.  I ran my fingers through my hair and sauntered around the corner and pretended to be surprised.

"Oh! Lenwe.  I was not expecting to see you here," I said softly.

"Greetings, Lothuviel," he said with a bow.  He turned to the other guard.  "You are dismissed," he said, waving his hand at him.  

"But-" the guard protested.

"I said, you are dismissed," Lenwe said threateningly.  The guard nodded and walked away, giving me a strange look as he passed.  Oh wonderful.  There goes my already mediocre reputation.  

Lenwe put his bow back behind him and stepped forward.  "What are you doing here, milady?" he asked.  

"Oh, um..." That is a fantastic question.  I only wish I knew the answer.  "I was... looking for the um... kitchen! Yes, I was looking for the kitchen." I smiled sweetly as he raised his eyebrow.  

"Indeed.  Well, I am afraid you have come the wrong way.  I will escort you to the kitchen, if you wish."

"Oh, well, Legolas told me that it was behind this door."  

"He did?"

"Yes.  Yes he did."

"Well, he was mistaken. Bu-"

"I would really like to see what is behind that door, Lenwe," I said in a low voice.  I looked up at him through my lashes and smiled.  His piercing gaze softened and went from my face downwards.  _Oh wonderful.  Now he thinks I'm going to sleep with him._  Fat chance.

I would really come to regret what I did next.

I stepped closer so that my face was within inches of his.  He really was quite hot, in a scary stalker sort of way.  "Lenwe," I whispered, "open the door."  He nodded and quickly turned around and unlocked the door.  He opened it and took a torch off the wall, then stood to the side.  I walked up to him and touched his face softly.  "I thank you."  Then I grabbed the torch, sprinted through the door and down into the darkness.  

"Lothuviel!" he called.  I stopped and turned around.  He pulled his cloak off his shoulders and handed it to me.  "It gets very cold down there," he said quietly.  I put it on and grinned at him cutely, then ran.  Remind me to never become curious about book characters again.  Unless it's Legolas.  Or any other hot elf, for that matter.

The setting was quite scary.  Apparently, the "hall" I was running down was a natural cave carved out of the rock.  It was leading downwards, so the dungeons must have been underground.  After running for about two minutes, I was catching up to the group.  I put out my torch and tiptoed along a few meters behind them.  The elves were singing some retarded song that I sincerely hoped I never heard Legolas sing.  Suddenly I tripped over something and fell with a _thunk_ to the floor.  I crawled behind a stalactite really quickly as the guards spun around, arrows pointing at where I had been.  What the hell had just happened?

The elves looked at each other and shrugged, then ushered the hobbits and dwarves along.  As the torchlight faded away I noticed something that apparently they hadn't.  On the ground there had been a shadow of a little man, but there hadn't been anyone there.  I mentally slapped myself.  Duh!  It was Bilbo!  I had been following him following the group!

Weird.

I continued to creep along behind everyone, stopping a few times to make sure they hadn't heard me.  Eventually the pathway opened up into a larger room, where there were cells built into the cave walls.  The elves one little person in each cell, then walked back up towards the surface.  I hid in a nook in the wall, and they walked past without noticing me.  After they had passed, I put my hood up and walked into the room.  All of the men looked up as they noticed me, and a few growled menacingly.  I rolled my eyes.  "Oh, are the scary little dwarveses gonna get me?" I asked sarcastically.  The dwarves glared at me, while the hobbits looked a bit freaked out.  Awww.  Now I felt bad. Oh well. 

I knelt down in front of one of the cells and looked in.  The hobbit inside looked at me with a cute scared look.  He was really fat, and I almost burst out laughing.  

"Hello," I said.  

"Hi," he replied.  

"What's your name?" I asked.

"Bombur." Hey, I remember this guy!  Wasn't he the fat dude that fell into that enchanted stream and fell asleep for about a century?

"Nice to meet ya.  Now what are you doing here?" He told me about how he and his friends had seen a light in the forest the night before, and when they approached it, they discovered Thranduil there with a bunch of elves.  Apparently they had been celebrating something, and they thought the little hobbitses were going to crash their party.  So they captured them and brought them here.  

It was just about then that I realized I had been gone for a really long time.  Legolas might be worried.  "Sorry, but I have to go," I said quickly.  

"Wait," Bombur said.  I turned and looked at him.  "Do you have a name?"

I was about to say Lothuviel, but then thought better of it.  Bombur wasn't exactly the brightest crayon in the box, and he might give my name away.  Hm... 

I grinned at him.  "My name is Larien."  With that I ran back up the pathway.  Within about five minutes I had made it back to the door.  I opened it and looked out.  Lenwe was still there (dammit).  I smiled sexily at him and handed him his cloak.  "Thank you," I cooed.  

"Y-your welcome," he stuttered.  I walked away without another word.  The "thank you" had been unnecessary in my book.  

I headed back to my room, and found that Leggy was still there (huzzah!).  "Where's my soup?" Lauren asked.  I don't even get a "hello" after I practically seduced Lenwe?!  What a great friend. Not.

"I could not find the kitchen," I said.  Lauren rolled her eyes and Legolas laughed.  "It is quite easy to find.  But if you will excuse me, I have some business to attend to."  He smiled at me (wow) and walked out the door.

"Okay, I know you know where the kitchen is, Lothy," Mary-sue accused.  "What were you _really_ doing?"  I told her about the little hobbits and dwarves, and her eyes lit up.  "We're in _The Hobbit?"_ she squealed.  I nodded.  "WOOPIE!!!" she screamed.  

"You seem to be feeling better, little Mary Sue," I said dryly.  She stopped bouncing on the bed and quickly scrambled under the covers.

"Actually *cough*, I feel horrible," she said oh-so-convincingly.  

"That's it.  Get out of my room, you little drama queen, and move your furry little butt to your own hole," I growled.  I picked her up and quite literally threw her out the door onto an approaching Morharmaiel.  She cried out as Lauren hit her and knocked her to the ground.  Woopsies.

"Morharmaiel! Forgive me!" I said as I helped her up.  I chose to ignore the fact that Lauren was lying on the floor glaring at me.

"I am fine," Morharmaiel said.  "But why was Mary-sue flying through the air?"

"Because she is a little lying brat," I growled.  Lauren gave me her worst look (scary) and stalked away.  Morharmaiel blinked and shook her head.  

"I am not going to ask," she muttered.

~*~

A week went by without anything exciting happening.  I had taken Lauren to the dungeons the next day, and from then on she practically lived down there.  I think she had developed a crush on Bombur, and was really sad when they escaped.  I think she missed having someone who had the same IQ level as her (i.e., the mentality of a three year old).  

By now almost all of the leaves had fallen off the trees, and there had even been a tad bit of snow (even if it was only a light frosting).  One day, while Lauren was skulking about the castle, Morharmaiel and I were taking a walk in the woods.  We were both dressed in long, warm dresses, fur-lined cloaks, and warm gloves sort of like the ones Arwen (the skank) wore in FOTR.  We both had our hoods up, since it was really cold out. For some reason, Morharmaiel had told me to bring my bow.  

"Fancy a bit of hunting?" she asked suddenly.  I looked at her and raised my eyebrows ironically.  She was about the last person I would expect to want to go hunting.

"I suppose.  But I have never hunted before," I explained.  

"It is quite easy.  You simply hide and stay very quiet, and when an animal comes along, shoot it."  Way to put it bluntly, Morha. 

"All right."  She started to walk off the path, and I followed her.  She turned around and shook her head.  "No, no.  We must split up.  That way we will have more luck," she told me.

"Oh..." I walked back onto the trail and started to go deeper into the woods.  I really didn't want to go hunting, but if Morharmaiel wanted to, then I guess I'd have to play along.

I went off the main path and started to wind between the trees, looking for a good spot to hide.  I found a bit of brush that had a clearing in the center, so I crawled into there and knelt down.  Bring it on, woodland creatures.

_~3 hours later...~_

Well this was fun.  NOT.  I had been here for about six hundred years, and I was completely bored.  Why didn't I just get up and walk back to the palace?  Well there are several reasons for this.

 I was stuck in a goddamned thornbush. 

2.    Not only was my clothing stuck in the bush, but my hair had somehow gotten wrapped around it.

3.    It was dark and I was scared to go anywhere 'cause the big spiders might get me. *shudder*

So, I went to my last resort.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!"

I didn't hear anything for fifteen minutes, at the least.  I sat in the thorn bush, about to cry.  This was so not cool!  I didn't do anything to deserve this!  Well, except for beating Lauren up all those times.  And stalking Legolas.  And knocking Lenwe out.  And all the other mean things I've done.  But besides that, I have been a perfect little angel during my stay in Middle Earth.

Suddenly I heard leaves crunching on the ground.  I was about to scream "help" again, but caught myself.  What if it was a giant spider?  Or an orc?!  Or a whole GROUP of orcs!!? Or bandits?  Or evil elves? Or Godzilla?  Okay, maybe not Godzilla, but you can understand how freaked out I was.  What the hell was I supposed to do?!

I cleared my throat and tried to sound like a man.  "Who goes there?" How lame is that?  The crunching leaves stopped temporarily, then started again, this time closer.  Ohgodohgodohgod.  I drew a knife and wielded it threateningly.  I saw a shadow on the ground and I shrieked.  "Please don't hurt me!" I whimpered as I covered my face with my arms.  

I felt something cold and wet touch my arm, and I screamed and tried to back away.  When I looked at what the thing was, I nearly fainted.

It was a warg!!!

I must say that in the movie "The Two Towers" I thought the wargs were cute.  No really!  I did!  But now this was real life, and even though it looked the same and was still cute, I was terrified for my life.

"AHHH!!!! GO AWAY GO AWAY _GO AWAAAAAAY!!!" _I cried.  If there was one warg, there were bound to be more.  The thing grabbed my arm in its mouth and pulled.  "NO!!! LET GO!! LEAVE ME ALONE!! _HEEEELP!!!!!" _I screamed.  The warg kept pulling, but realized that it couldn't get me out.  So it grabbed my cloak (which was still stuck in the bush) and tugged on that.  The cloak ripped, and I was pulled most of the way out of the bush.  Except for my hair.

"Ow!!" It felt like half of my scalp had been pulled out.  The warg chewed on the branch that my hair was wrapped around, and it broke.  I scrambled to my feet and pulled out an arrow.  Then I noticed something.  The warg couldn't be bigger than a Labrador.  It was a warg puppy!  And he was all alone.  

"Awww!" I gushed.  I held out my hand for it to sniff.  The warg licked my hand and wagged its tail.  "You are so ka-ute!" I said happily.  I jumped when the warg barked.  It sounded like a small lion.  I grinned and patted its head.  "I wanna give you a name!"

"ROAR!!" the warg said.

"How about... Froo Froo!" The warg growled.  "Okay, okay, maybe not.  Um... what about Tenor!? That's my dog's name back on Earth!" The warg started to lick himself.  "Gross... you don't know where that's been!  Oh! I know! How about... Kenny!"  He barked and wagged his tail.  "Awesome.  You shall now and forever more be known as Kenny the Warg!  Now, let us go back to the loverly castle and... do something interesting."  Kenny barked- er, roared again and started following me back in the direction of the castle.

Kenny started to whine when the palace came into view.  "It's okay, Kenny.  It's not gonna get you," I told him.  He whined some more and tucked his tail between his legs.  I picked him up and carried him.  "Good god. You must weigh eighty pounds," I huffed.  

As I walked through the gates into the courtyard, I saw some elves turn to give me odd looks.  A few of the women gasped and hid behind the men.  I smiled and said, "Hi everyone!"  Yay for bad reputations.

I pushed open one of the huge wooden doors and walked into the entrance hall.  The elves in there reacted the same way the others had.  I saw someone run forward out of the corner of my eye.  I turned and saw that it was Trelan.

"Lothuviel! What in the name of the Valar are you doing with a warg!?" he asked. 

"I found him! Is he not the most adorable thing in the world?" Trelan wrinkled his nose in disgust.  

"It smells terrible."

"He is not an 'it'.  He is a baby.  And his name is Kenny."  I nodded decisively.  "And I shall keep him, because he is an orphan."

"I am not so sure that Legolas and King Thranduil will be as enthusiastic about this as you are," Trelan murmured.  

"What is going on in here!?" Speak of the devil.  It was the Head Honcho.  Mr. Scary Elf.  The Big...er, Boot.  Thranduil. DundunDUNNN!

"Your highness," Trelan said with a bow.  I tried to bow, but toppled over from Kenny's weight.  He started to run around chasing his tail (Kenny, not Thranduil. Although that would have been funnier.)  

"What is the meaning of this, Lothuviel?" Thranduil said.  Hey, I didn't know he knew my name.

"My lord, I found this warg in the woods.  He was all alone, and-"

"That is a dangerous animal.  I cannot allow you to keep it.  It must be disposed of immediately," the king said tersely.

"No!" I cried, grabbing Kenny in a death grip.  Thranduil looked taken aback.  I guess no one had ever opposed him before.

"You will obey my orders and get rid of that thing IMMEDIATELY!" he shouted.  I started to cry as I heard someone else come into the room.

"Father, what are you yelling- oh!" I looked up Legolas came into the room, with Lauren and Morharmaiel following him.

"Oooh, Lothuviel! What've you done now!?" Lauren asked incredulously. 

"Where have you been? I looked for an hour for you!" Morharmaiel scolded.  I just sat there sobbing.

"Lothuviel... why do you have a warg?" Legolas asked.  I looked up at him.  He looked extremely pissed off.  Um... oops?

"He's just a baby! Completely harmless!" I said as Kenny attacked one of Lauren's feet.  She screamed and started running around.

"Aaaah!!! Get it away from me! It's trying to eat me!" she yelled.

"He just thinks that your foot is an animal, which is an easy mistake to make," I said.  

Legolas' expression softened a bit. "I am afraid we cannot let you keep him, Lothuviel," he said.  I bit my lip as it started to tremble.

"B-but, but... I love him!" I squeaked.  Kenny whined and cowered away from everyone in my arms.  Legolas turned to Thranduil.

"Father, I do not think that it will hurt anyone.  It is just a baby," he said softly.  

"No, Legolas.  I will not have that thing running through my halls freely," Thranduil said, looking hard at me.  I glared back at him and hugged Kenny closer.  

"Father, please.  Give it a chance."  Legolas looked at his dad pleadingly.

"My lord, if you will allow my opinion?" Trelan said suddenly.  Thranduil looked at him.  

"What is it?"

"Your highness, perhaps if Lothuviel keeps the warg in her own quarters it would not do any damage," Trelan suggested.  Oh my god, I love him.

Thranduil pondered this for a minute.  "Very well.  But if it sets foot outside of your room, Lothuviel, I will have it killed without question.  Is that understood?" 

I nodded and stood up, a huge grin on my face. "Thank you so much, my lord.  I promise nothing will happen."

"Morharmaiel, please escort Lothuviel to her rooms," Legolas said.  She nodded and gestured for me to go with her.  Trelan and Lauren followed.

We all walked up to my room.  I was still carrying Kenny, who was struggling and grunting, trying to let me let him go.  "No, Kenny.  You are not allowed to run around anymore.  You must be a good boy," I told him.

"Yeah, I bet he understood every word of that, too, Lothy," Lauren muttered.  Kenny growled at her, and she hid behind Morharmaiel's skirt.

We got to my door, and Lauren let herself in.  Morharmaiel just sort of stood there looking between me and Trelan.  "You can leave now, Morha," I told her.  She gave me a questioning look, then went "Oooooh!"  She winked and walked into my room with a grin on her face.  

After she was out of ear shot I turned to him.  "Thank you so much for standing up for me, Trelan," I said.  

Trelan smiled and put a hand on my shoulder.  "I could tell that you really cared about... what did you say his name was again?"

"Kenny," I said with a stupid grin.

"Yes.  I could tell you cared deeply for him, and I know that your heart is in the right place."  Kenny barked and started chewing on Trelan's sleeve.  He laughed and gave him a pat on the head.  "He is pretty cute, I suppose.  But I must leave now.  I have some things to do."

"Thank you again," I said as he walked away.  He turned around and smiled. "Your welcome." 

I walked into my room and shut the door, then put Kenny on the floor.  He ran over and immediately attacked a cushion that was on the floor. 

This was going to be an interesting experience.

~*~*~*~

Ta da!  The newest chapter of "The Adventures of Me, Lothuviel."  

(in Monty Python voice)  And now for something completely different.  The authoress has a few questions.

1) I think the story needs a new title.  You guys got any ideas?  Put 'em in your review! Don't worry, I'll give you credit.

2) I'm dressing up as a pirate wench for Halloween (hehehe).  I have a skirt, a ruffly white shirt, a bandana, fishnet tights, boots, an eyepatch, and eye liner.  Am I forgetting anything?  

3) I have made my decision, and I don't think I'll make this a Legomance (sigh).  But that doesn't mean there won't be _any_ lovin'.  ;)  I am a sucker for romance.

Okay, I think that's all.  See ya guys later!

Much lurve and Leggy,

**_~*!Laura!*~_**


	17. Meet Samuel L Jackson I mean Frank

Hello again everyone!! I feel like it's been FOREVER since I've written.  Even though I just updated on Oct. 25.  But oh well.  I feel like writing. YAAAAY!! ^__^ 

And now time for mah favorite part of the story... REVIEW RESPONCES!!! YAY!           

**Flamingo Feathers: ***lip trembles and eyes get big* (squeaky voice) You... don't... like... Kenny? *cries on Legolas' shoulder* How can you not love Kenny!? He ish a cute wittle warg!! But besides that, I'm glad ya like it!****

**Aboo: ***cackles* Yesh.  It is I, Laura the Genius! *cough* not... Hmmm, Kenny eating Lenwe... not a bad idea... *grins evilly*

**Sugaricing:** Yesh, wargses are cute!!! We lovesss them, precious...  LOL! In real life, if Lenwe was stalking me (since he is hot, and he is an elf), I would be like, Oooh, keep the compliments comin', Elf Boy!  I honestly would not mind the fact that I'd be getting attention from a hottie. 

**Lolly: **You... like Lenwe?  Are you feeling well?  Hehe, its okay.  I like Lenwe too, even if he _is_ a stalker (see above).  OMG!!! YOU KILLED KENNY!!! AUGGH!!! Teehee.  Yes, Kenny's mom might be a bit of a threat...

**Nikkifier: **Thanks for the review! Glad you like it so much!

**TwinkieFreak: ***cries* I would love so much to make it a Legomance, but I can't bring myself to do it!  Believe me, I would love to, I really would.

**SilverLady04: ***screams* KENNY KICKS BOO-TAY!! WOOTAGE!! *does a cheerleader kick* Agh my spine!! .!! Anyways, glad you love this story so much.  

**Lady booyaka: **Yay, another update! I am nearly as excited as you.  And no, no Legomance.  I sowwy.  I would make this story one, but... *sigh* there are just so many out there.  *cries* They beat me to it!

**Ainu Laire: **Yesh, Trelan ish cool.  I lurve him to death.  But what of the hot elvie twinses?  We mustn't forget them, precious... they will be popping up soon.  Yay!

**Crystyna: **Nope, no Leggymance.  *cries* Damn the anti-feminism elveses!  How dare they take advantage of Morha like that!  They must pay!  You and I shall sentence them to a two-hour snogging extravaganza!! *cackles* Hmm, ya think I should hook up with Trelan? Hmm... I'll hafta think about it.  

**Ryu no Hino: ***stares at the hypnotizing watch* So pretty... so shiny... Legomance... yes... *snaps out of it* AUGHH!! NO!! Must... resist... temptation... .

**ChibiConfettiQueen: ***waves enthusiastically* Welcome aboard to both of ye!  Arr.  Okay, I'll stop that now.  Anyhap, yesh, the wargsies are cute!! I love them soooo much!  I agree with Alicia.  Though I can see Kim's point, because, in my opinion, the wargs almost look like dog-cats... or cat-dogs.  Cogs.  Dats.  Hehehe.  Oh yes, and I have read the books, Alicia.  Hope you enjoy this chapamater!

**Lobo Diablo: ***blinks*... 'The Adventures Of Lothuviel, The Stupid Legolas-Obsessed Prat'?  Perhaps you didn't mean it this way, but that is a tad bit offensive.  Not much.  Just a tad. *cough*

*sniff* It brings tears to my eyes to see the dedication of my reviewers.  *sobs openly and does huge group hug* I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!!! *blows nose on Crystyna's shirt* Lmao, j/k X-tyna. ;-D

Oh, and the wench costume was a HUGE success! People actually knew what I was! Wahoo! Hehe.  And I think I caught some attention from some guys.  Ish. ^__^;;  Thanks to all you guys who made suggestions!

One more thing... *gets out random Indianapolis Colts paraphernalia* GO COLTS!!! *waves blue and white flag* 

~*~*~*~

"Hell no, Mary sue, you did not just steal my favorite necklace," I said threateningly.  Lauren turned around, holding her hands behind her back.

"How dare you accuse me of stealing!" she exclaimed as a large amount of jewelry fell out of her dress.  She scowled and started putting it away.  Morharmaiel started giggling hysterically from her seat on my bed.  Kenny continued massacring the rug that was on the floor.  I sighed and tried to pull it out of his mouth.

"You can keep doing that all day but the warg will never let go of the rug," Lauren said, attempting to sound like Johnny Depp (and failing miserably).

"Bite me," I growled as I gave the rug one last tug.  Kenny let go, and I did a backwards summersault into the fireplace.  No, literally, I went into the fireplace.  And got covered in soot.  Lauren howled with laughter as Morha pulled me out and Kenny tried to eat the ash off of my dress.  

"I think you have a spot on your dress," Morharmaiel said with an innocent grin.  I gave her my worst look and stalked over to the wardrobe.  "Lothuviel, it is all in your hair also.  You might want to bathe," she added.

I sighed.  "All right, fine.  I will take a bath.  But after that, Morharmaiel, you and hobbity girl over there are going to help me give Kenny a bath."  The maid wrinkled her nose, but nodded in agreement.  Lauren was still laughing about the fireplace incident.

"I will draw your bath," Morharmaiel said.  Before I could protest she walked into the bathroom and I could hear the water running.

"You know," I said as she came back out, "you do not have to do all these things for me."

She smiled.  "I know, but it is my job. Besides," she added in a low voice, "once I was lucky enough to walk in on Legolas changing."

I grinned widely.  "Nuh uh!"

She nodded. "Yes! But unfortunately he had only taken off his shirt."  We giggled insanely and she went into the bathroom to stop the water.  I followed her.  "I will pick out a dress for you," she said as she closed the door.  I slipped off the sooty dress and lowered myself into the tub.  To my disgust, the water soon had turned a sickly shade of gray.  But I dealt with it and quickly finished bathing.  Just as I was about to drain the water, I topped.  Kenny was already filthy: the water was probably cleaner than he.  I decided against drawing clean water, and slipped on a silky robe that was hanging on a peg in the wall.  

As I opened the door Lauren came bustling into the bathroom, dragging a reluctant Kenny behind her.  "I wanna wash the puppy!" she practically screamed.  Kenny howled and tried to get away, but I grabbed him before he could.  Morharmaiel closed the door and helped me dunk the yowling warg into the bathtub.  The water quickly turned from a sooty gray to a disgusting brown color. "Eww," we all mumbled.  Lauren took the soap and started scrubbing it all along Kenny's back and legs.  Hairs several inches long started appearing on our arms and around the edge of the tub.  Kenny finally stopped howling and instead glared at me.  I patted his head and grinned.  "At least now you won't be disgustingly smelly," I told him.  Morharmaiel laughed and walked over to one of the cabinets.

"Oh dear," she said after rummaging around in them for a minute or two.  "You are out of towels.  I will go get some from my room."  Just as she opened the door, Kenny leapt out of the tub and shot between her legs into my room.

"KENNY!!!" I screamed angrily.  Lauren and I ran into my room to help Morha catch him.  He was currently rubbing against the bed and darting under it whenever she came close to catching him.  Finally the three of us got Kenny trapped under the bed, and Morharmaiel slipped quickly out of the room to get the much-needed towels.

"Laura," Lauren said after a minute or so.

"Yeah?"

"I wanna go home."  I stared at her from the other side of the bed.

"Why the hell would you want to go home?!" I asked incredulously, waving my arms around.  "It's so much fun here!"

"Pffft!  Sure it's fun for you!  You have your 'Leggy-baby' to play with, and I have no one!"  She looked seriously upset, and for the first time since we had gotten to Middle-Earth, I felt guilty.

"Look, I'm sorry I've been ignoring you.  It's just that, well, I get a bit distracted sometimes."

"Just a bit," she muttered dryly.

"I promise I'll start spending more time with you."  I walked around the bed and plopped down beside her, giving her a huge hug.  "You're mah best-good friend in the whole wide world!" I said, imitating Forrest Gump.  Lauren grinned and hugged me back. 

Suddenly I heard the door open, and before either Lauren, Morharmaiel or I could react, Kenny had darted out into the hallway.  Morha's eyes went wide and she stared.  "Oops..."

"KENNY!!!!" I screamed, all panicky.  The three of us raced out the door after his retreating form.  God, he was fast!

"Oh no, he is headed for the kitchen!" Morharmaiel said nervously.  She and I picked up the pace, quickly leaving Lauren behind.

"Hey!  Get back here!" I heard her yell in the distance. We both ignored her and rounded a corner.  And ran smack into Thranduil.

"Shit," I squeaked.

"Why are the two of you in such a hurry?" he asked calmly, although I could tell he was pissed.  He looked me over.  "And where are your clothes, Lothuviel?"  I looked down and noticed for the first time that the robe that I was wearing was somewhat see-through.  I blushed up to the tips of my ears and stared at my feet. 

"My lord," Morharmaiel said after a short uncomfortable silence, "we were just going to look for someone to... braid Lothuviel's hair."  

"I thought you knew how to do so, Morharmaiel," Thranduil said sternly.

"I-I do, but I am not as good as it as some people," she replied.  I let out the breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding.  

"Indeed.  Lothuviel should probably go get some proper clothes on before gallivanting around the palace," Thranduil said.  I felt my face turn hot.

"Yes, well, we will just be going then," Morharmaiel said.  And with that she grabbed my arm and dragged me away.

We ended up finding Kenny in the pantry in the kitchen.  He had already eaten a good portion of dried meat, and the chef (or whatever he was called) was not exactly pleased.  We managed to get out of there alive and went back to my room.  Lauren was already there looking at a book.

"I do not think I will go to dinner tonight," I said as I flopped down on the bed.

"Why?" the other two asked.

"Because the cook might poison my food."  They laughed, but I was somewhat serious.  I wouldn't put it past an elf that chases an innocent warg and his owner around with a meat cleaver.

~*~*~*~

I did end up staying in my room during dinner and the "merry-making" afterwards.  I wasn't really hungry, and I was somewhat exhausted from all the action that day.  

As I lay in bed stroking Kenny's back and staring at the intricate design on the circular ceiling, I though about what Lauren had said earlier.  Maybe she was right; maybe I was being selfish.  Then again, she was the one stealing all my jewelry.  But I can forgive her.  She also stole my favorite pencil in first grade.  What?! It had my name on it and everything!

I turned my head and watched out the window as the last rays of light disappeared and the sky turned a dark greenish-blue color.  I suddenly had the urge to get sing and dance.  I leapt out of bed and started to sing "Get Low" by Lil Jon and the Eastside Boys.

"_Hold up_," said an unfamiliar voice.  I shrieked and looked frantically around my room.

"Who is it?" I whispered.

"_My name's Frank_."  The voice sounded uncannily like Samuel L. Jackson's.  Scary.

"Where are you?"

_"You can't see me, duh."_ I could tell that if Frank had a face, he would be rolling his eyes.

I smiled and put a hand on my hip.  "Are you my conscious?" I asked.

"_Yes, Laura.  I know we haven't talked in a while._"

"Nope, we haven't.  How ya been?"

"_Pretty good, actually.  And you?_" Such a polite disembodied voice.

"Not bad, not bad.  Anyways, what do you want?  I was just about to do some dancing."

"_I, er, wouldn't exactly recommend that_."

"Why?"

"_Remember what happened the last time you 'danced' to music like that?_"

I thought hard.  "Oh, you mean at that one party where I was dancing with that hot guy and he-"

I heard a sound like someone slapping their palm against their forehead.  "_NO! Stupid lil' white kid.  I mean **here**._"

I chewed on the inside of my cheek (a very bad habit of mine).  "Oooh yeeeah!  When Legolas was following me and saw me dancing, which I am sure was a major turn-on for him."

"_Uh-huh.._." Frank said dryly.

"What's your point?"

Frank heaved a big sigh.  "_Just take my advice and don't dance, a'ite?_" 

"Why not?"

"_Just don't.  Trust me_."

"Okay.  Well wait.  If you're my conscious, then how am I gonna be able to talk to you when there's other people around?"

"_You can talk to me inside your head if you wanna, or out loud.  No one else can hear me, 'cause I'm **your** conscious."_

"Ah, I see. Hey, Frank?"

"_Yeah?_"

"Are you God?"

There was a slight pause.  "_I'm not even gonna answer that.  Gotta run, though.  Tonight's poker night and all the guys are comin' over_."  

I raised an eyebrow.  "Whatever. Will you come back?"

"_A'course I will.  I've been here the whole time_."

"WHAT?! And you didn't even bother to talk to me until now?"

"_I've been going through a very messy break-up_."

"Awww, that sucks.  Well, have fun at poker!"

"_Thanks._" I heard a little _pop_ and knew that he was gone.

Wow. I wonder if Middle-Earth is always this messed up.

~*~*~*~

A few days later I decided to go out into the woods with Kenny and Lauren.  Morharmaiel had to stay in the palace, though, because she had some meeting with a few of the other maids or something.

We came to a small clearing in the woods and we stopped for a while.  Lauren sat on a log and looked at me.  "I'm tired," she said.

I raised my eyebrows at her.  "We've only been walking for fifteen minutes.  How can you be tired?"

"I dunno, but I am."  She laid her head down on a knot and closed her eyes.  I shook my head and looked at Kenny.  "She's lazy," I said to him.  He wagged his tail and pawed at my leg.  I grinned.  "Do you wanna play, big boy?" He barked and tugged on my skirt.  "Alright then.  Bring it on!"  With that he leapt up onto my chest and knocked me to the ground backwards.  "Ow... okay you win," I gasped.  Just in the last week or so he seemed to have gained twenty pounds.  

Kenny cocked his head to the side and gave me a look that seemed to say, "What, that's it?  No screaming or yelling for help? Pffft, you bore me."

I looked right back at him.  "Oh, so you want me to start screamin' my lungs out, huh?" Kenny growled playfully.  "Alright then."  I took a deep breath. 

"_AHHHHHH!!!!!! HELP ME!!! **HELP ME!!! **SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP!!!!" _I screamed at the top of my lungs.  Kenny wagged his tail and started making fake growling and snarling noises.  _"HELP MEEEEE!!!!!!  I'M BEING ATTACKED BY A WARG!!!!!"_

"_Laura, you better stop doin' that,_" someone said.

"Hey Frank. _HEEEEELP!!!!!!"_

"_Stupid kid, listen! Someone's gonna hear that and think you're **really** being attacked."_

"They must be really dumb then.  _SOMEBODY SAVE ME!!!!!"_

"_Laura..._"

"Dude, Frank, just shut up.  _AHHHHH!!!!"_ Kenny howled and snarled at the same time, still wagging his tail insanely.  I heard a weird whistling noise, and suddenly he stopped and slumped forward on my chest.

"_Aw, shee-it,_" I heard Frank say.

"What? What hap-" I sat up and looked at Kenny.  Then I saw it.  

There was an arrow sticking out of Kenny's back.

"I found her!" I heard someone shout.  Then I heard running footsteps, and saw someone kneel down next to me.  At first I thought it was Lenwe, but no.  This guy was WAY hotter.  But at that point in time I couldn't have cared less what he looked like.

"Oh my god," I whispered, staring at Kenny's body.

"My lady, are you all right?" the elf asked as he put his hand on my shoulder.

"Oh my god."

"_Laura, just breathe,_" Frank said slowly.

"Oh my god."

"My lady?  It is well now, the warg shall not harm you anymore."

"Oh my god."  I heard someone else run up behind me.

"Is she all right?" the new voice said..

"I believe she is in shock.  Go check on the hobbit laying over there.  My lady, you are fine, are you not?"

"Oh my god."

"_Laura, chill.  Just chill_," Frank's voice said.

"Milady, there is no reason to be frightened anymore.  The warg is dead, see?"  Then he  harshly kicked at Kenny's limp form.

And that was the last straw.  

I felt the fire burn in my eyes, and I looked at the dark-haired elf with a deadly look.  He took his hand off my shoulder and backed off an inch or two.

"_Aw shit, she's gonna blow,_" Frank said, and then the tell-tale _pop_ of his departure.

"**OH MY GOD!!!! YOU KILLED KENNY!!! _YOU BASTARD!!!!!!_**" I screamed in his face, then fell down sobbing.  I felt someone come up and throw their arms around me, and I knew it was Lauren.

"Oh, Lothuviel!  It's okay! It's gonna be okay!" she tried to tell me.  I just kept crying

"Perhaps we should get her to the palace quickly, Elrohir," I heard the other elf say.  The one that shot Kenny, Elrohir, took my hand and tried to help me up.  I snatched my hand away and got up myself.  We all walked towards the castle in silence.  Well, except for my hysterical wailing.

"Wait!  What about Kenny's body?" Lauren asked.  

"We shall just leave it there," the elf-that-wasn't Elrohir said.

"No way, man! We can't leave him there! Go back and get him!"

"We cannot do that, little hobbit," Elrohir said.  Lauren let go of my hand, spun around, and grabbed his collar.

"Go. Get. The. God. Damned. Body. Right. NOW," she whispered.  He gave her a terrified look, nodded, then turned and ran to get Kenny's body.

There was no way in hell that this Elrohir guy was going to live through the night.

~*~*~*~

Yes, it is true.  Kenny is gone.  And he's not coming back.  *wipes away a tear* So sad.  But hey, it's nice to add a bit of comic relief to a dramatic situation, right?

*crickets*

Okay, just kidding then... *runs away quickly*

**_~!Laura!~_****__**

P.S. Major thanks are in order to TwinkieFreak! She gave me the idea for the new title!  Great idea!


	18. Big and Icky Spiders eep

Hello, hello everyone!  How are you all today!?  Fantastic.  Well, I'm feeling kinda tired, so I'm not going to respond to all my reviewers, because I am lazy.  Hehe.  But thanks to all of you who reviewed!! And yesh, Kenny _did_ have to die.  *sobs* I was sad, too.  But there is a purpose for his death.  *grins*

Yes, I know that there was no Leggy last chapter, but I PROMISE there is LOTS of him in this one.  Well, not _lots_, but enough to eliminate our cravings. J

Enjoy the chapamater!

~*~*~*~

I was sitting in my room crying.  Morharmaiel was sitting next to me, her arms around my shoulders, rocking me back and forth like your mom used to do when you were little and crying.  Lauren was sitting on my other side and patting my shoulder.

There were voices coming from outside the door.  It was Legolas, The Warg Killer (a.k.a. Elrohir) and the other elf.  I still hadn't found out what his name was, or what he looked like.

"Y'know, Laura, it's your own fault that Kenny died," I heard Frank say inside my head.  I politely and mentally told him to f*** off.  He didn't say anything after that.

I looked up as I heard the door open.  The first person inside was Legolas, followed by Elrohir.  When I saw the last person, my eyes widened.

"Oh Jesus, there's _two_ of them?!" I shouted.  The third elf was Elrohir's identical twin.  Oh how fantastic life is.

"This is Elrohir's brother, Elladan," Legolas explained.  Elladan smiled kindly and bowed.

"Milady, I am truly sorry for the death of your pet.  It was an accident, but I assure you that our intentions were good ones.  Please forgive us."  He looked at the ground in shame, and I felt myself soften.  I sniffled and said, "Elladan, you are forgiven.  Perhaps if your brother were as polite as you, he would have my forgiveness also.  However, until I get an apology from him, I refuse to speak to him."

"That is hardly fair," Elrohir argued.  "An apology has been given on my behalf!"  

"My lord Elladan, will you please tell your brother that I have not received an apology _from_ him, and he must apologize directly to me in order to be forgiven?"  Elladan looked at his twin.

"She said-"

"I know what she said, you fool!" Elrohir shouted as he slapped his brother upside the head.  I grinned.  It was fun pissing this guy off.

"I believe that Lothuviel's request is a fair one," Legolas commented.

"Stay out of this, Legolas," Kenny Killer growled.  

"I'm afraid that this matter concerns me just as much as it does you, Elrohir," Legolas told him calmly, but I could tell he was slightly pissed off.  Elrohir glanced at me and I stuck my tongue out at him. Legolas continued: "You will be staying in my home for the rest of the winter, and-"

"WHAT?!" I screamed.  Everyone looked at me.  "They are staying all winter? Why?!"

"Because, milady, the passage back to Imladris is blocked with snow," Elladan explained.

"Why did you not just wait until spring, then?" I groaned.  I thought elves were _smart!_

"The message that we carry from our father, Lord Elrond, is urgent," Elrohir said.  I looked at Elladan and blinked cutely.

"I'm sorry, my lord.  I thought I heard an odd squeaking noise.  It sounded like a voice, but it obviously was not.  Could you please explain?"  As Elladan repeated exactly what Elrohir had just said, the latter stomped out of the room angrily and slammed the door behind him.  Legolas sighed heavily, and after rubbing his forehead, looked at me.

"Lothuviel, what are we going to do with you?" he asked seriously, but his bright blue eyes were twinkling.

"What did the message say?"  Lauren asked.

"I cannot tell you all of it, but it discusses the growing threat in Mordor," Legolas said.  Lauren and I exchanged glances.

Morharmaiel suddenly asked, "What did you do with Kenny's body?"  I felt my eyes tear up, and I started sobbing again.  "Oh, Lothuviel, forgive me!" Morha exclaimed over my wailing.  She hugged me and started rocking back and forth again.  I wiped my nose with a handkerchief Lauren handed me, then stuffed it inside my cloak and stood up.  I started pacing back and forth in front of the foot of the bed.  The three elves and Lauren just stared at me, obviously not knowing what to say.  

"I think I shall take my leave, now.  I believe the lady wishes to be alone," Elladan said quietly.  I stopped pacing, and he bowed slightly and went out the door.

"I think I shall go as well," Legolas said.  "Try to get some rest, Lothuviel.  You have had a long day."  He started to walk out the door.

"I will stay here and keep you company," Morharmaiel said.  "And-" Legolas interrupted her by clearing his throat quite obviously.  "Actually, I have some duties to attend to.  I will be back later.  Come, Mary-sue."  She grabbed Lauren's hand and half dragged her out the door.  Legolas smiled a small, kind smile at me, then walked out and shut the door softly.

I threw myself onto the bed and stuffed my face into the pillow, then screamed.  Life in Middle-Earth is hell.

~*~

For the next two days I sat alone in my room, sulking and feeling sorry for myself.  The only people that came to see me were Trelan, Lauren, and Morharmaiel.  I think Elrohir (correctly) thought that, if he tried to come see me, I might bite him.  I'm not sure why Elladan didn't come.  I think he was scared of me, though.

On the morning of the third day, I was getting restless.  I was pretty much over my grief, although I was still pretty sad.  However, my need for fresh air was almost unbearable, so I dressed and got my cloak and sword, then strode out of my bedroom, bumping into Legolas.

"Lothuviel, where are you going?" Legolas asked as I buckled my sword belt around my waist.

"For a walk," I muttered.  As I started to walk past him, he stopped me by putting a hand on my shoulder.

"Take someone with you.  I do not want you getting lost.  Or hurt.  Or both." I glared at him.  I'm not _that_ trouble-prone!  Am I?

I sighed and rubbed my forehead.  "Fine.  I will bring Morharmaiel with me."

"She is down in the kitchen, I think.  Would you like me to come with you?" he asked.  I nodded, and we went downstairs in silence.  We found Morharmaiel and Lauren in the kitchen, making some sort of food, and I asked if she would come with me.

"I would be glad to," she said with a smile.  She grabbed a cloak from a peg on the wall and a small knife that Legolas handed her.  Lauren tried to follow us.  "No, Mary-sue," I said.  "Stay here."  I lowered my voice and whispered, "I'm going to try to loose Morha anyway."

Lauren shook her head frantically.  "Laura, you dumbass, don't! What if-"  But I had already turned around and walked out the door, Morharmaiel following.

When we reached the woods, Morha fell behind a few steps.  I think she go the vibe that I was pissed and wanted to be alone.  I don't know how.  Oh wait, maybe it was the fact that I was slashing at any branches that were within a few feet of my head.  Hmm...

Nah.

After walking for about half an hour, the woods started to get that creepy look to them.  Even though it was early winter and all the leaves had fallen off the trees, it was very dark, and what little light there was had a spooky green tint to it.  I hardly noticed it, though, and kept trudging along.

"Lothuviel, I think we should turn back.  It is not safe in this part of the woods," I heard Morharmaiel say.  I ignored her and kept stomping down the barely-visible path.

"Lothuviel-"

"Morha, please.  Just... shut up," I said slowly.  She got a hurt look on her face, but didn't say anything else.

A few seconds later she suddenly screamed "Look out!" and I saw the silver knife fly through the air.  I heard it sink into something with a sickening thump, then watched as a huge dark form fell to the ground, making a terrifying, unearthly noise.  I ran up to the thing, and nearly had a heart attack when I saw that it was one of the infamous giant spiders.  You know how spiders curl up their legs under them right after they die?  Mirkwood spiders do that, too, as I soon found out.  As I pulled Morharmaiel's knife out of the spider's head the legs started to move.  I jumped backwards with a terrified squeal.

"It is all right, Lothuviel.  I promise you that it is dead.  But we must hurry.  Where there is one spider, there are bound to be more."  I stared at the spider carcass, which looked like it had just crawled out of the second Harry Potter movie, then backed up a few steps.  I looked in Morharmaiel's direction and stopped dead.

"Morha," I whispered, "do not move at all."  Right over my friend's head, several more spiders were lowering themselves on strings of silk.  I saw Morharmaiel take a big breath and hold it.  Then, with a fierce cry that made me jump, she whirled around and sunk the dagger into the nearest spider's stomach.  She had been three feet from death.  I ran over to her and we started fighting as we stood back to back.

One of the larger spiders came skittering at me, clicking its pinchers madly.  I screamed in terror, then  swung my sword at it, and watched in amazement (and disgust) as two of the spider's legs fell to the ground and started twitching.  This didn't seem to affect the giant thing in the least, because it made that same screaming noise as before and came towards me just as fast as if it had all of its legs.  I raised my sword above my head, and with a "Grrraugh!" (that well-known elvish war cry) I stabbed the spider in its abdomen.  Black blood spattered everywhere, including onto my deep red dress.  However, I had other things to worry about besides whether or not spider guts could be washed out of satin.

"Oh, Valar, here come more!" I heard Morharmaiel groan.  I looked over my shoulder and saw two more of the giant arachnids running at us.

I screamed in pain as I suddenly felt something dig into my right shoulder.  I turned and saw eight large, shiny black eyes staring back at me, and two fangs embedded in my skin.  Oh, how cliché.  Morharmaiel turned also, and with a cry of "Sweet Eru!", grabbed the sword out of my hand and hacked the spider's head off.  Its body fell to the ground, but the still-alive head stayed attached to my shoulder.  I started to get light-headed and my vision began to get blurry.

"Oh gods, there are too many!" I heard Morha shout.  She sounded so far away... "Lothuviel, I am going for help!" Her voice started to fade away more. "I promise I will come back!" I watched as her fuzzy shape ran like a shot into the woods in the direction we came from.  I saw several large black forms scuttle after her.  

The last thing I remember were many beady eyes staring at me.  Then everything went black.

~*~

I groaned and slowly opened my eyes.  All I could see was what looked like a thick, messy white net completely encasing my body.  I tried to move my arm, then my legs.  No such luck: it was like I had been paralyzed.  It took a moment for me to realize that I was trapped in spider silk.  I felt a pang of fear surge through me.

After a couple minutes of recuperating and heavy praying, I heard creaky, hissing voices that sounded like they were below me.  I squinted through the strands of rope-thick silk and made out the forms of about fifteen giant spiders twenty feet below me on the ground.

"It was a bit of a struggle, but it was worth it," one said.  The spiders were talking!

"Aye.  She's got an awful thick skin, and she's skinny, but there's good juice inside I'll wager," a different voice hissed.  I shuddered violently.  

"There isn't much on her, to be sure, but she'll make a fine meal.  It's been a while since we've had any good food," a third said.

"Yeah, well it was your fault those dwarves got away a few weeks back," the first spider snapped.

"It wasn't," the third argued.

"I think she's dead," a different one hissed.  "She hasn't moved for a while.

"She ain't dead.  I saw her move a few minutes ago.  See?"  I heard the spider scuttle up the tree trunk and out onto the branch I was hanging upside down from.  Out of the corner of my eye, through the silk, I saw the spider open its jaws wide and sink them into my leg.  I cried out in pain and struggled against the strong threads.  The spiders laughed.

"She's got life in her yet, that's for sure," the one that bit me said as it made a new strand of silk with its spinners and lowered itself quickly to the ground.  "Let's eat her now while she's still fresh," he ordered when he reached the forest floor.  

"Naw, wait 'til she's dead; let her hang a while.  They taste better that way."  Oh God.

"Eat her alive, while the juices are still flowin'!"  Soon all of the spiders were fighting over how and when to eat me.  I was tempted to shout, Excuse me, but don't I get a say in this matter?  After all, it IS _my _death.  But I didn't.

~*~

I dangled upside down for several hours, getting dizzier by the second from all of the blood rushing to my head. I had decided to pretend to be asleep, just to prolong my death a little more.  The stupid gits had decided to eat me when I was dead.  Ah well, at least I wouldn't be put through _too_ much pain.

"I think she's dead," I heard one hiss.  "I'll go check."  I heard its hairy legs skitter up the trunk once again, and braced myself for another painful bite.  But it never came.

Instead, I heard wild hissing noises and the horrifying screaming again.  I squinted through the silk and watched as the spider that had climbed up to bite me fell off the branch, dead.  It had an arrow sticking out of its head.  I looked towards the ground and saw five humanoid forms running around and shooting arrows.

"Yay," I said weakly.  

The whizzing noise of arrows flying through the air filled my ears, and I relaxed a bit.  Maybe I wouldn't die, after all!

I spoke too soon.  A different spider had snuck up the tree, cut the thread I was hanging from, and started dragging the bundle of silk I was trapped up onto the branch.  Then it lifted me up in its pinchers and started to quickly make its way towards a different tree.

I gathered up what little strength I had left in me and screamed, "**_HELP!_**" as loud as I could.  Apparently someone heard me, because a mere second later I heard an arrow sink into the spider, and I felt myself falling, along with the spider's body, towards the ground.  However, I was convinced that Legolas would act heroic and catch my falling form.

But did that happen? Noooo.  Why?  Because the Valar hate me, that's why.

The wind got knocked out of me as my body came in contact with the ground, and I moaned.  "Oww..."  I listened contentedly as the furiously screaming spiders ran into the woods.  I made out the form of one of the elves kneeling down next to me and started to hurriedly cut away the silk. Once the bonds were away from my eyes, I looked up into the gorgeous face of Legolas.  THANK THE LORD!!! 

"She is alive!" he said.  I looked around and saw the faces of Morharmaiel, Trelan, Lenwe (AAUGH!), and Elladan.  No sign of Elrohir.  Selfish bastard...

All of them except Elladan (who, as I mentioned before, was scared of me) rushed forward and gathered around.  "Are you all right?  Are you hurt?  What happened?" were a few of the many questions asked.

"I... ow."  And, with perfect Mary-Sueish timing, I fainted.

~*~*~*~

*prances about throwing blue and white flower petals around gaily* IT'S FINALLY HERE!! YEAH!!! Two updates in one day!! Go Laura!!! *does a victory dance*

"ROTK" is... wow.  And Legolas is... fuckin' wow.  My review for the movie:

**"I laughed! I cried! I got horny!" –**Laura Erickson, _I Need A New Hobby  _Magazine

Please review!

Much lurve and (HOTT) Leggy,

**__**

**_~*!Laura!*~_**

P.S. I know a lot of people said they _didn't_ want this to be a Mary-sue, and I'm trying to restrain myself, but I'm going to take another survey and ask, once again:

**_SHOULD THIS STORY BECOME A LEGOMANCE?_**

**__**

Please respond in your review.  Thankies!


	19. Author Note

Hey y'all! ("Hey Ya" by Outkast plays)

Just wanted to say, I hope you guys all had a great Christmas/Kwanzaa/Ramadan/Hanuka, etc. etc.  I hope you all had a great time being with your families, too (at least, I HOPE you were with your families.)  

Have a great New year, too! 

Much love,

**_~*!Laura!*~_**

**__**

P.S. I'll write as soon as I can, which probably won't be for the next few days.  Sorry, this story will definitely NOT be done by the end of the year, even though I had hoped it would be.  Cheers!

P.P.S. TOMORROW IS MAH BIRTHDAY!!! BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP ME, INFIDELS!!!! 

Bye now!! ^___^


	20. A bunch of mushy crap and you all are go...

Disclaimer: Still don't own anything... 

Oh god... You're all gonna hate me after this, I know.  .  

~*~*~*~

Voices were murmuring all around me, although I couldn't make out the words.  I opened one eye, then shut it again; it was too bright!  I had an awful headache and a pain in my right shoulder.  I groaned and slowly opened both of my eyes. A strange light was coming through the window, and I realized that it had snowed quite a bit.  Someone was sitting on the end of the bed, and there were five or six other people standing around my room.

"She's awake!!!" the person on my bed screamed.  I moaned and cringed.

"Shut up, Mary-sue," I said softly.  

"Oh, Lothuviel, we were sooo worried about you!  Everyone thought you were gonna die and I was like 'Oh no if she dies then how will I ever get back to our world-'"

I slapped my hand over her mouth and gave her a look.  She looked puzzled, then nodded.  I took my hand away, and she turned around and said to all the other people, "Okay, clear out!  Me and Lothy have some business to attend to!"  The elves all gave me kind smiles and filed out the door.  Then Lauren turned back to me.

"Okay, fill me in.  What happened?  Everyone was freakin' out.  They said you were attacked by giant spiders or somethin', which obviously was not the case because giant spiders don't exist, and they were all upset 'cause you were sleeping with your eyes closed."

I sighed.  "Lauren, didn't you ever listen when I was ranting about elves before we came here?" I asked slowly.  Lauren gave me an ironic gaze.

"Um... no.  Why would I listen?  I just zoned out."

I sighed again.  "If an elf sleeps with their eyes closed, it means they're about to die.  And giant spiders _do_ exist.  They live in the deeper part of the forests of Mirkwood."

"Oh," Lauren said.  "Well-"

Just then the door flew open and slammed against the wall, and three people came running in.  It was Morharmaiel, Trelan, and Legolas.

Morharmaiel ran over to the bed, threw herself into a chair, and immediately started patting my hand.  "Oh, thank the Valar you are all right!" she exclaimed.  "We were all so worried about you!"

"Well, I am fine.  Thank you all for coming to rescue me," I said, mainly looking at Legolas.  He smiled and knelt down beside the bed.

"I would have never been able to forgive myself if something had happened to you," he said softly.  I blushed up to my hairline and looked at Lauren, who was smirking.  Trelan sat down on the bed and brushed the hair away from my eyes.

"I am overjoyed that you are well," he whispered.  "I believe I would have died from a broken heart had anything happened to you."  I grinned tearfully.  _I feel so loved._

Trelan turned to the other three.  "Will you excuse us for a moment?" he said.  They all nodded and shut the door on their way out.

"You have an awful tendency of getting hurt, Lothuviel," he said once they were gone.  I shrugged.

"I think I am cursed," I told him.  He chuckled and resumed stroking my hair.  I love it when people do that.

"Let me see the wound," he ordered.  I looked at my shoulder and noticed that my shirt had been cut so that there was only a sleeve on my left arm.  My right side had a bandage around it.  

I shifted so that he could unwrap the gauze, and once it was gone, I looked back at the shoulder.

"Eww!" I exclaimed.  He laughed openly.  The skin around the bite had turned all gray and scaly.  It was nasty.  The bite was deep, and it was apparently infected: it had pus all around it.  "That is disgusting," I muttered.  Trelan lightly ran his finger over the gray part, and I hissed in pain.

"Sorry," he said softly.  "I will go get one of the Tari, the healer.  She will put a poultice on the wound, and that should heal it."

"All right," I replied.  He kissed my forehead.

From outside I heard someone squeal, "Awww!  He just kissed her!"  Trelan and I exchanged a look, and he opened the door.  Morharmaiel and Lauren fell into the room: they had been listening through the door.  Legolas was standing in the hall laughing.  

"You three should know better than to eavesdrop," I scolded playfully.

"I wasn't droppin' no eaves!" Lauren said, and she and I laughed.  The elves gave us weird looks.

"Inside joke," Lauren assured them.  "Now skedaddle on out of here.  I need to have a nice heart-to-heart with Lothuviel."  The elves smiled at me again and left.

"Okay, guess what yesterday was!" Lauren said as she leapt on to the bed.

"I don't know."

"It was Christmas!" she squealed happily.

"It was?"

"Yes!  And I got you this!" She groped around under the bed and pulled out something wrapped in a red piece of satin with a gold ribbon on it.  I opened it and gasped.  

"Lauren, this is gorgeous!" I breathed.  She had given me a light silvery-blue cloak, with leafy patterns sewn in silver thread.

"I made it," she said proudly.  I grinned.

"Nuh uh!"

"Yeah!  Morharmaiel has been helping me with it over the last few months!"

"Lauren, it's so pretty!  I can hardly believe you did something this complex!"  

"Oh shut up.  Now what'd you get me?"

_Shit_, I thought.  I glanced around the room looking for something to give her.  I got an idea.

"Bring me my jewelry box," I told her.  She went over and got it and handed it to me.  I pulled out my favorite necklace and held it out to her.  "Merry Christmas."

"Laura, this is your favorite necklace!" she said.  "You can't give me that!"

"Yes I can.  I want you to have it.  I'd rather have this awesome cloak than that!"

"But-"

"Take the necklace, Lauren."

"No!"

"Yes."

"No!"

"YES."

"N-"

"TAKE THE GODDAMN NECKLACE!!!" I roared.  She went "Eep!" and snatched the jewelry out of my hand.

"Thanks!" she said, and gave me a hug.  I hugged her back.

"And don't forget, if yesterday was Christmas, tomorrow is my birthday," I told her with a smirk.

"Aw, crap."

 ~*~

I was in bed for three days after that.  Lauren stayed with me all the time, and Morharmaiel too.  Legolas and Trelan popped in often, and Trelan made sure that the healer checked on me every few hours.  Even the twins came to see me, and Elrohir apologized for the events following the death of Kenny.  I forgave him, and he and his brother and I started to form a strong friendship.

Lauren started to wear the necklace I gave her all the time, and I was glad, because I was afraid she didn't like it.  For my birthday she gave me some nice boots that she told me she had found.  I raised an eyebrow at her.

"Where did you find them?" I asked.  She smirked.

"Larien's room."  I howled with laughter and gave her a huge hug.  That made the present even better.

On the fourth day the healers said I could finally get out of bed and walk around.  Huzzah!  I put on some normal clothes (as opposed to a nightgown) and headed slowly down the stairs.  

When I got into the main hall there were lots of elves.  Almost all of them, even the ones I didn't know, came up and greeted me and said that they were glad that I was all right.  Out of nowhere Morharmaiel came running up and practically tackled me to the ground.

"Watch the shoulder, Morha," I said with a laugh.

"Sorry!  It is just so good to see you!" she exclaimed as she squeezed me tightly.

"I can have that effect on people."  I looked through the crowd and saw that the twins were there.  They each came up and kissed my cheek and said that they were happy that I was all right.  Hehe, I attracted the hotness.  However, I didn't see Legolas or Trelan.  Maybe they were off being incredibly good looking.  _Well, of COURSE that's what they're doing! _I thought angrily.  _Now if I were a hot male elf, where would I be?  Well, I'd be screwing me... er, that sounded wrong..._

_"They're in the dining hall, dumbass," _I heard Frank say.

"Why thank you Frank," I thought back to him.

_"Not a problem.  Good to see you aren't dead."_

"Thanks for caring."

"See ya. *pop*" 

So I walked to the dining hall and looked around.  Sure enough, Trelan was there.  No Leggy, though.  Hm. Ah well.

"Trelan?" I said softly.  He spun around, beamed, and ran over and gave me a huge hug.  For the first time, I noticed how I felt safe in his arms, and how my head fitted perfectly into the space between his neck and his shoulder.  _NO!!  Focus on the Leggy.  Focus on the Leggy... No falling in love with your Red Herring, Lothy!  Bad girl!_

"It is good to see you back on your feet, Lothuviel," he said quietly.  

"It is good to be able to feel my legs again," I muttered.  He laughed and, for the first time, gave me a _real _kiss. Once he pulled away, I gave him a shocked smile, and he stumbled back a few steps.

"I, um... I must be going," he said hurriedly, and started to walk away quickly.  

"Lothuviel!" someone said from behind me.  I turned around with the same shocked and hurt expression to see Legolas walking up to me.  I turned back around and watched as Trelan rounded a corner far down the hall and disappeared.

"Is something wrong?" he asked worriedly, putting a hand on my shoulder.  

I stared at the corner Trelan disappeared around.  "No," I whispered.  "Nothing at all."

~*~

I mostly stayed inside the next few days, while everyone else was outside enjoying the snow.  As crazy as it sounds, the elves seemed to enjoy playing in the white stuff as much as human kids do.  

Trelan had been avoiding me since the day I got out of bed.  Every time I tried to talk to him, he'd make up an excuse to leave, or pretend like he didn't hear me.  

Finally, thirteen days after I had been bitten by the spider, the healers gave me permission to go outside.  Woot!  I put on a warm dress, the cloak Lauren made me, the boots she stole, and some fuzzy gloves, then went downstairs with the little hobbit freak.  

"Ooooh, I can't wait to teach all the elves how to have snowball fights!! This'll be great!" she squealed as she bounded out the front door and into the courtyard.  She leapt off of the top step and fell with a _phish _into the snow.

"Phish?" I said out loud.  I shrugged and looked at where Lauren was.  Or should have been.  The snow was so deep that she had completely disappeared from view, except for her hairline up.

"Crap," I heard her mutter, and I started laughing.  

"Aww, is widdle Mawy-Sue stuck in the snowww?" I asked "sympathetically".

"Bite me," she grumbled as she started to plow through the snow.  Since I really was a human, I braced myself to fall through the snow as well.  However, I didn't.  Because I was an elf.  Huzzah!

I started to squeal and prance circles around Lauren, who was scowling up at me.  "Bitch," she mumbled.  I giggled and stopped.  

"I'm an elf and I can stand on snow and you caaaaaaan't!" I jeered, pointing at her.  I noticed that all the other elves were giving me strange looks, so I stopped.

Since it had taken Lauren a little less than a century to walk ten feet, I decided to pick her up and give her a piggy-back ride out into the open area beyond the walls.  There were elves all around, walking about and climbing trees and stuff.  I took a deep breath to breathe in the fresh air, but immediately started hacking.  

"Gaa! The air! It burnsss usss!!" Lauren said mockingly.  I glared at her and adjusted the hood that was over my head.  

Suddenly something freezing cold hit my neck and I screamed.  "UGH!!! SNOW DOWN MY DRESS!!!" I yelled.  For the umpty-millionth time since I had been in Middle-Earth, the elves gave me bemused looks.  I spun around and saw Elladan and Elrohir laughing hysterically.  They were each holding an armful of snowballs.

"Hm.  Looks like the twins don't need to be taught about the fun that is snowball fights," Lauren said.  

"Shut up," I growled.  I pranced over to them and stopped, giving them my cute flirty look.

"Greetings, Lords of Rivendell," I cooed.  "Wouldst thou care to partake in some winter amusements with me?"

"But of course, milady," Elladan said with a sweeping bow.  

"We would be honored," Elrohir said while imitating his brother.

"How lovely!" I said.  Then I scooped up some snow in each hand and smashed it on the back of each of their necks.  They stood up straight and immediately began running around, trying to get the snow out of their shirts.  I grinned and frolicked on back to where Lauren was watching.  She shook her head.

"Pathetic," she said.  "This is how you do it."  Lauren picked up a handful of snow and rounded it into a perfect sphere.  Then, with 11 years of softball throwing skills, she chucked it at the nearest elf, who was about fifty feet away.  It _phish_ed into his back and he jumped.  I exchanged a high-five with Lauren, then stood dead still. 

The elf had been Legolas.

"Oh shit," Lauren and I said at the same time.  Legolas raised an eyebrow and smirked.  He bent over to pick up a handful of snow, and I squeaked.

"RUN AWAAAAAY!!!" Lauren yelled in a Monty Python voice.  I sprinted over the snow and hid behind a tree.  After about thirty seconds I stuck my head out, thinking that he was gone.  

Nope.

He was less than ten feet away.

He threw the snowball at me as hard as he could and it hit my face with a loud _PHISH. _(A/N: Don't ya just love that word?)

"That's no fair!  I was unarmed!" I protested, wiping the snow off of my forehead.

"All is fair in love and war," he said smoothly.  Hey, I didn't know elves knew Shakespeare.

"Pompous elf," I muttered, and he smiled angelically.  I could almost feel my heart melt.  I shook myself out of it and became semi-serious.  "Do you know what is wrong with Trelan?" I asked.  "He has been avoiding me for nearly a week."

"I do not," Legolas replied with a puzzled look.  "He is over there, speaking with Elrohir.  You should ask him."

"Thank you.  I will."  I walked over to where the pair was talking.  Trelan had his back to me, and Elrohir saw me over his shoulder.  I motioned for him to go away, and he gave me a slight nod.

"If you will excuse me, Trelan, I am going inside.  It is quite bitter out here."  He gave me a look, then turned and walked away.  Trelan turned around and jumped when he saw me.  I got straight to the point.

"Why have you been avoiding me?" I asked.  He brushed past and walked towards the trees.

"It does not concern you," he said firmly.  I felt like Elizabeth when she was chasing Jack around the island.

"It most certainly does concern me!" I exclaimed.  "You are ignoring me, and I want to know why!"  By now we had reached the edge of the forest, and there were no other elves around.

"It does not matter."

"Yes it does, Trelan!"

"I do not want to talk about it."

"Well I do!"  

"FINE!" he roared.  I stepped back a few feet, scared to death.  He took one step and grabbed each of my arms in his hands.  "Do you want to know why?" he asked fiercely.

_"ELVISH RAPE!!!" _Frank hollered.

"Let go!  You're hurting me!" I said, trying to jerk my wrists away.  He pulled on my wrists and brought my body closer to his.

_"You're gonna need the circulation to your wrists so you can bitch slap 'im," _Frank commented.

"Do you want to know?" Trelan hissed angrily.

"Not if you are going to continue hurting me!"  He let go of my arms and I rubbed my wrists angrily.

"I have been avoiding you because..." he faltered.  

"Why?" I asked calmly after a few seconds.

"Because I am afraid that my love for you can no longer be an act," he said softly.

_"HOLD UP!!!!" _Frank shouted.

 "WHA-?!" Before I could finish he had brought his face down level with mine and was giving me a long, soft kiss.   

_"WOOHOOOOOOO YEAH!!!" _Frank yelled.  

"Piss off, Frank," I muttered mentally.  

"Heh heh.  Laura's gettin' some ACTION!!!" 

"GO AWAY!!!"

"_*pop*"  _Thank god.  Trelan pushed the hood off my head and stroked my hair.  Ooer.

After nearly a minute, he took his face away from mine and stared into my eyes.  "When Morharmaiel showed up at the gates and told us that you had been taken by the spiders, I nearly died of fear."

"Really?" I breathed.  He nodded.

"Yes.  And when I said that if anything had happened to you I would have died of a broken heart, I was serious."

It was then that I realized that this was no high-school crush he had on me.  He was _really, truly _in love!  

"Um, are you sure that I am the one you want?  There are plenty of other nice elf girls out there..."

"I am sure."

"A-**_hem!_**" someone said.  Trelan looked up and I spun around to see Legolas, Lauren, and Elladan and Elrohir watching us.  The twins were wearing identical smirks, Lauren had an eyebrows raised and her arms crossed, and Legolas looked somewhere between shocked and disgusted.

"If you two are done making out, everyone else has gone inside for something hot to drink.  And we're going in, too.  You guys just stay out here, if you want, because you'll 'have your love to keep you warm'," Lauren sneered.  She and Legolas spun on their heels and walked towards the palace.  The twins just both shrugged and followed them.  

Trelan and I looked at each other, then I looked at the ground.  Why had Lauren reacted that way?  Trelan put his hand under my chin and lifted my face until I was looking at him.  

"Ignore them," he said softly, kissing me again.  Then he snaked his arm gently around my waist and we started to slowly follow the others.

This was all wrong!!  Trelan wasn't supposed to fall in love with me!! That was Legolas' job!!  I loved Legolas!!!

...Right?  

~*~*~*~

*slams head against keyboard repeatedly* STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! Bad Mary-Sue writing Laura! BAD BAD BAD!!!!

*gains her composure* Phew.  Okay.  Forgive the mushy, stupid, crappiness of this chapter.  There go my reviewers.  

Please don't hurt me!

**_~*!Laura!*~_**


	21. Apologies to Everyone

I knew it!!!!!!!!!!! I KNEW IT!!!!!!!!!! YOU ALL HATE ME NOW!!!!! *blows nose very obnoxiously into a tissue*  I'M SORRYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!  Please don't hate me too much!!! At least it's not a Legomance, right!?

*crickets*

..Right?

*tumbleweed rolls by*

….

Yep.  You hate me.

I wrote this chapter mainly to apologize to you all, but since we aren't supposed to post just plain author's notes, I decided to write a very short, angsty chapter, because I'm really having a crappy point in my life.  SO DON'T GIMME ANY SHIT, A'ITE!?!?  

Er... Enjoy?  Maybe? :-\  Probably not?  Yeah, you all hate me... 

Lolly: YES!!! I KNOW!!! I AM A BAD GIRL!!! *shoves Legolas at Lolly* TAKE HIM!!! I DO NOT DESERVE SUCH HOTNESS!!! *runs off to become a nun*

*comes back and throws the twins to Lolly as well* TAKE THEM SO I DON'T GET EVEN MORE TEMPTED!!!! *sprints off wailing*

Oh, and thanks to all of you for reviewing even though you were completely disgusted with me.  I feel semi-loved.

~*~*~*~

After having some tea with Trelan and a few of his friends, I excused myself to go find either Lauren or Legolas.  However, at the moment, I was much more preoccupied with the question of why Lauren had acted so pissed off.

I finally found her in the dining hall after nearly an hour of searching.  There were elves there, but Lauren was sitting all alone in a corner with her arms wrapped around her knees.  She gave me a look that could kill when she noticed me.

"Why are you so mad at me?" I asked.  She got up and started to walk away, completely ignoring me.  I grabbed her shoulder and spun her around.  "What the hell is wrong with you!?"

"You wanna know what's wrong!?  The fact that you got some seven millennia old freak to fall in love with you is wrong!!" she screamed.  The hall became silent and I felt many pairs of eyes staring at us.

"How is that wrong?" I asked fiercly in a low voice.

"How is it wrong?  _How is it wrong!? _You're not even old enough to legally drink, that's what!!!" Lauren yelled.  I glared at her.

"Look, it's not my fault Trelan loves me!"

"Uh, yeah, it is!  'Oooh, Trelan, you are so great!  Wanna help me lure Legolas into falling in love with me by pretending to make out with me every time we meet?'" she said in a high-pitched, preppy voice.  She made some exaggerated swooning motions.  

I will always regret what I said next.

"WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO BACK HOME?!?! YOU DON'T BELONG HERE!! YOU'RE NOT AN ELF!!! YOU'RE JUST A STUPID LITTLE MIDGET FREAK THAT DOESN'T CARE ABOUT HER FRIENDS!!!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, then stopped.  I clapped my hand over my mouth and gasped.  "Mary-sue.  I didn't mean that."  Lauren stared at me in disbelief, tears welling up in her eyes.

"Fine," she whispered.  "Now I know how you really feel."  She walked slowly out of the hall in the direction of her room.  I started to follow her, but then I felt someone put their hand on my shoulder.  I turned around and looked into Morharmaiel's face.

"Let her go," she said softly.  "Give her a chance to calm down, then go talk to her."  I buried my face in her shoulder and started to sob.  Morha wrapped her arms around me and patted my back.  

~*~

A few hours later I made my way to Lauren's room.  I knocked tentatively on the door and listened.

"Go away," I heard her say in a shaky voice.  I opened the door anyway.  She was sitting on her bed with her back to the door, looking out the window.  On the bed beside her was an open suitcase-type bag with a bunch of folded up clothes inside.

"Lauren, we need to talk," I said quietly as I closed the door. 

"I don't want to talk."

"Too bad."  I sat down beside her and she looked up at me.  "I'm not gonna let a guy come between you and me.  When we first became friends we both promised that'd never happen."

"Meh."

"And what I said was the cruelest, evilest thing I have ever said to anyone in my life.  And I was wrong.  You _do_ belong here.  All the elves think you're hysterical, and you have really spiced up life in Mirkwood, according to Morha."  

Lauren wiped her nose on her sleeve.  "You were right.  I'm not an elf.  I shouldn't be here."

"Why?"

"Because.  I belong with other hobbits, not elves.  I've decided that I'm going to go home."

I stared at her.  "You mean Hobbiton, right?"

She shook her head.  "No.  I mean back to regular Earth."  

I gasped and raised my voice.  "NO!!! You can't go back!!!  I need you here!!!"  Just then the door opened and a maid came in.

"Milady, the lord Trelan is looking for you.  He-"  I spun around and glared at her.

"SOD OFF, BITCH!!!" I yelled.  She gasped and sprinted out of the room in terror.  Lauren stared at me.

"Damn, girl," she muttered.  I grinned.

"It's not easy acting perfect for six months straight," I said with a grin.  

Lauren shrugged.  "Yeah, musta been especially hard for you," she mumbled with a smirk.  I whacked her upside the head and she smiled.

"So are you gonna stay, or what?" I asked, afraid of what the answer might be.

She looked thoughtful for a second, then looked out the window.  "Well, if I go, then who'll be here to help you terrorize Thranduil?"

I beamed.  "So you're staying?" I asked giddily.

She sighed.  "Oh, fine."

"HUZZAH!!!" I shouted, and tackled her.  

"Urgh.  Get off, you prissy elf."

"Oh, shut _up._"

~*~*~*~

So.  Lauren and I don't hate each other anymore.  Bliss.  Oh, and for all of you that are _really _mad at me, take a look at this:

"You have to realise that no matter what you do, you will NEVER be able to make everyone like your writing. You could write the greatest work ever, and there will still be people who hate it. You're going to have to get used to not pleasing people. You're going to have to realise that you're out writing for one purpose and one purpose only--to please yourself. If you don't love your writing with every fibre of your being, redo it. If you do, then don't worry what anyone else thinks.  You're your biggest critic. Remember that and abide by it."

That's what my friend Lindsay told me when I said that I was going to loose reviewers after last chapter.  Well, you know what, all ya haters?  You can kiss my... *points to rear*

Cheers! ^___^

**_~*!Laura!*~_**


	22. GAHH! RAPE!

'Allo allo, my lil' dumplings!  How have y'all been?  Awesome.  Sorry I haven't updated in a bit.  I've been sort of having a bad few weeks recently, and I sort of wasn't in the mood to write.  If I _had_ written, I assure you it would have sucked.  

Real quick I wanna respond to a few reviews I've gotten!

**Akai Kiniro: ***lip trembles* YOU HATE ME??? *wails on Legolas' shoulder* AND YOU HATE TRELAN TOO?! *sobs even harder*  I wub Trelan!  I love Legolas more, but I still love Trelan!  I dunno, maybe I _will _make it a Legomance eventually... hmmm... 

**Ainu Laire:**  :\  You think it's cheesy? . Crap...

**Undomiel:** *gasps* YOU HAVE A PET WARG TOO!?! Yaaay!!!  I would tell you mine's name is Kenny but... uh... Kenny is sort of... dead.  But my dog (an Airedale Terrier) sorta looks like a warg.  His name is Tenor.  Yes.  Tenor the Warg.  Huzzah!

**Avalbane:** *beams* I'm so glad you like my stories!  But they seem so childish compared to yours! *blushes* Yours are so serious and mine are... not.  But ah, thanks so much for reading them!

**Lobo Diablo**  No offense taken.  I didn't think you meant it in a mean way.  But thanks for your input!

**Lolly:** OMG! No no no no no!!! I am SO not a better author than you!  That is B.S. if I've ever heard it!  You are awesome at writing!!! *gets down on knees and worships* We are not worthy… we are not worthy…

**Pickle of Doom: **ACK!!! Not the look!!!  Not my copy written PUPPY EYES OF DOOM!!! *covers eyes, kneels on the ground* NOOOOO!!!

Okay, I think that's everyone... But anyway.  Lots of people were like "OMG! I was totally expecting a Legomance!  I hate you I hate you I hate you!" (LOL, Akai.)  And I KNOW this is the umpty-billionth time I have asked this, but... whaddya want?  Lego or no?  Hehe, I made a rhyme.  I get a cookie.

**Also, please everyone read Avalbane's stories.  They are so good!  She has an excellent Legomance story that I love so much.  Please read 'em and give her some reviews!  She deserves them!**

*with a mouth full of cookie* So, wiffout further ado, here is Ch. 22 of "The Non-Perfect Elf and the Hole-Hating Hobbit"!! *spews crumbs everywhere*

Legolas: That was disgusting.

Your mom is disgusting.

Legolas: Ouch Laura.  Ouch.

~*~*~*~

Later that evening Lauren and I quietly sat in my tower bedroom looking out at the beautiful winter night sky over the forest of Mirkwood.  The light of the moon glittered off the snow, casting a beautiful yet somewhat spooky glow over my room.

"So is Trelan a good kisser, eh?" Lauren asked suddenly, completely shattering the peaceful mood I had felt.  I started to nervously play with the hem on my sleeve and didn't answer.  She hooted with laughter.  "I'll take that as a yes."

"I never said that!" I said quickly.

"You're blushing," Lauren accused.  I glared at her and looked out the window.

"Okay, he is.  He does this thing, and he like, nibbles on your bottom lip," I explained.

"Sounds kinky," Lauren muttered.  

I thought for a minute.  "Yeah, it is pretty kinky," I said with a smirk.  Lauren looked at me.

"You lil' hoe!" she accused.  

"Shut up!  At least I don't wear see-through dresses like Arwench," I said with a disgusted voice.

"Fortunately," Lauren added.  I scowled at her, and then we looked out the window in silence for a while longer.

After a while I asked quietly, "Why was Legolas being so PMS-y today?"

"Well, maybe he doesn't just _look_ like a woman..."

"If you complete that thought I will kill you," I growled.  Lauren laughed and remained silent for a while.

"To tell the truth, Lar... I think he's jealous," she answered after a minute or so.

"What?!" I exclaimed.  Lauren said that she thought he might be jealous because now Trelan would get all my attention.  I asked why the heck would he be jealous of not being in the spotlight.

"Well, he _is_ a prince, Lar.  He probably just wants to show that he can get yet another woman to completely go ga-ga over him."  This seemed like a reasonable explanation, so I left it at that.  

After another hour of talking and debating whether or not pantyhose were edible, Lauren made her way back to her own room, and I got ready for bed.  I laid down and tried to go to sleep, but I couldn't.  I stayed awake for several hours thinking about the day's events.  

By about midnight I was getting ticked off.  The whole kissy-lovey thing with Trelan wasn't that big of a deal, was it?  I turned onto my side so that my back was to the door and I was looking out the window. _Tomorrow I'll just tell him that I really do like him, just not that way.  I mean, c'mon.  It was just one little kiss.  With a bit of him nibbling my lip, which was kinda hot.  And tongues, which was REALLY hot..  But it didn't mean anything.  Yarg, this is gonna be harder than I thought._

Suddenly I heard the door open behind me.  I almost sat up, but then decided not to, in case someone was planning on attacking me.  Now that I think back on it, that really makes no sense, but I was scared.  I knew it wasn't Lauren, because I couldn't hear footsteps, and the breathing was too soft to be her.  I instantly became afraid of being raped, and my thoughts jumped to one name.

Lenwe.

"Oh my god oh my god oh my god, Lenwe is gonna rape me!" I thought frantically.

"_Chill, Laura.  Play it cool, and maybe he'll back off," _I heard Frank say.

"Yeah, yeah.  Play it cool.  Coool and smoooooth," I told myself.  

I felt someone sit down on the edge of the bed and begin to stroke my hair softly.

"GAAAA!!!! RAPE!!! **_RAPE!!!!_** AAAACK!!! RAPIST!!! GET OFF YOU PERVERT!!!!!"

"_*sigh* Way to play it cool, Laura," _Frank muttered.  I screamed and kicked and flung my arms around, and the person I assumed was Lenwe gasped and jumped away from the bed.

"Lothuviel! Hush! It's me," I heard someone say in a soothing voice.  I looked up and saw Trelan leaning over me.

"By the Valar, Trelan, you scared me to death!" I gasped.  

"Forgive me.  I could not sleep."  I stared at him.

"Sooo... why did you come into my room?" I asked slowly.  He shuffled his feet and looked at the ground in an embarrassed way.  I was shocked.  "Trelan, if you are expecting me to sleep with you-!"

"No, no, no!" he said urgently.  "I just-"  Before he could finish, the door flew open, slammed against the wall, and four people ran in: Morharmaiel, Legolas, and two guards.  The guards had arrows drawn and aimed at Trelan.

"Do not shoot!" I shouted.  Legolas quickly told the guards to lower their bows in Elvish, then turned to me.  "What is going on?" he asked angrily.

"It was a misunderstanding," Trelan explained.  "Lothuviel thought I was someone else." I nodded eagerly when Legolas asked if this was what happened.

"Very well," Legolas said shortly as the guards left. He gestured for Trelan to come nearer, then spoke to him in Elvish, softly and angrily.  Trelan seemed to be trying to defend himself, but Legolas appeared to have the upper hand.  Meanwhile, Morharmaiel came over and talked to me.

"What happened?  Did he hurt you in some way?" she asked quietly.

"No!  Of course not!  He just frightened me," I said quickly.

"Good."  She started to get up, then turned back around.  "Lothuviel," she whispered, "if he ever hurts you, come tell me or Legolas right away, understand?" I nodded, though a bit puzzled.  "All right.  Sleep well."  She followed Legolas out the door, and Trelan came over and sat on the edge of the bed again.

"Who did you think was in your room?" he demanded.  I nervously looked at my hands and picked at my fingernails.  "Lothuviel, look at me.  Who did you think had come in here?"

"Lenwe," I said, still looking at my hands.

"What!?  Why?  Has he hurt you?  Has he ever forced himself upon you?" he asked angrily.

"No!  He just... follows me around sometimes."

"Sometimes?"

I bit my lip. "All right, he follows me all the time.  And dances with me.  All the time.  And flirts with me.  All the time."

"Indeed," Trelan muttered.  "Lenwe and I shall have a little talk tomorrow.  But you must get some rest now, and I should get back to my own room.  Sleep well."  He gently brushed his lips against mine and walked out of the room, closing the big wooden door softly behind him.  I smirked as I cuddled down into my blankets.

_I sure hope Lenwe has a good lawyer._

~*~

By the next morning, practically every elf in Mirkwood knew about the whole incident last night.  I was so embarrassed, because every time I passed someone in the hall, they would lean over to their friend and whisper, "Did you hear about what happened in that maiden's room last night?"  It was like high school all over again, except not quite as bad.

However, Elladan and Elrohir thought that the whole deal was absolutely hysterical.  Every time they passed me they would start screaming "RAPE!!! AHH!!" in a high pitched, feminine voice, then dissolve into laughter.  I came quite close to slapping them a few times.

Two days later, all the hype had pretty much died down.  There had been rumors of orcs planning to attack the elves stationed out in the deeper parts of Mirkwood, and a group of five soldiers went out.  It was Lenwe, Tinwe (that one elf that had delivered the letter to me in Rivendell), and three other dudes that I had met but weren't important enough for me to remember their names.

So the Fab Five rode out of the palace and into the woods to check on the guards.  All of the elves stood in the courtyard and watched them slowly disappear, then went on with their lives.  Trelan and I, meanwhile, stood there for a while.  He had an absolutely furious look on his face.

"What is wrong?" I asked.

"I did not get a chance to give Lenwe a piece of my mind," he said angrily.  I patted his arm.

"It is all right.  You can do that when they return."

"I know, but the sooner it is done, the better."  I didn't see how when he chewed Lenwe out made a difference, but I was afraid he would eat me if I argued, so I shut up.

Later that evening Lauren and I were fooling around in the courtyard.  Lauren was attempting to beat me climbing the biggest tree, but of course she failed every time. No one else was around. After chewing dear little Mary Sue out for kicking the tree, they all went inside.

"You're cheating!" she yelled from ten feet off the ground.  I was sitting high in the top of the tree grinning down.

"Oh yes, Lauren.  I forgot to mention that elves have little wings, too.  They're fairies," I said, rolling my eyes.  She gazed up at me in wonder.

"_Really?_"

I sighed.  "Nevermind."  I perked up as I heard galloping hooves outside the wall.  "Woo, the elvsies are back!" I shouted as I leaped down the tree.  Lauren tumbled off of her branch and chased after me.  I looked out of the arched entrance and looked into the woods.  I was surprised to see only one horse, and the rider was Lenwe.  Damn.  He was slumped over strangely.  I squinted, then gasped when I realized he had a black arrow sticking out of his left shoulder.

"Oh my god!" I said as his horse came trotting up to me.  As soon as his mount had stopped, Lenwe tumbled off and, quite literally, landed on top of me.  I ended up in a sitting position, with him in my lap and his head on my shoulder.  "Lauren, go get help!" I said as he started to groan.  I gagged when I saw the blood oozing out around the arrow shaft.  Lauren sprinted inside while I just sat there with an elf on top of me.  In any other situation I would have been perfectly fine with this, but for one thing, it was Lenwe.  For another, he was bleeding all over me.  

Lenwe started to moan again, his eyes clenched closed.  "C'mon, Lenwe, don't go to sleep," I said, shaking him slightly.  

"Nuuung."

…Nung?

"Tell me what happened," I said softly.

"Orcs…attacked…"

"I could have told you _that_," I said.  "How?"  But just then a bunch of people came flying out the door, Legolas, Lauren, and Trelan in the lead.  Legolas looked shocked, Lauren looked excited, and Trelan looked just plain pissed off.  I glanced at the elf in my lap, then at him, grinning innocently.  This was going to be hard to explain…

"What happened?!" Legolas asked as he and Elrohir helped pick Lenwe up off of me.  Trelan grabbed my hand and pulled me up as well.

"I do not know exactly.  All he said was that orcs attacked them," I explained as I followed them back inside.  We all went down a long hallway and came to a small room with several beds, which I guessed was the healing place thingy.  They laid Lenwe down on the bed, and several healers came rushing in as well.  Trelan led me out of the room as everyone left and closed the door behind us.  Legolas turned to us, a serious look on his face.

"What do you suggest we do, Trelan?  It is your decision," he said.

"We do not know what has happened out in the forest, therefore we must send more troops out.  If they could not stop the orcs out there, then as far as we know the orcs are making their way here as we speak."  I looked at them both, wondering what would happen.

Legolas nodded once.  "Very well.  Ready your men.  We shall leave as soon as possible."  He spun around and started to walk away quickly.

"You are going out there?" I asked quietly.

"Yes."

"Can I come?" I batted my eyelashes at him.

"You know you cannot, Lothuviel," Trelan answered. 

"Please?"

He sighed and rubbed his forehead.  "No. What if you were to get hurt, or if you were to be captured?  What would we do then?"

"You would be very, very sad?"  He chuckled and kissed the top of my head, much to my annoyance.  I had spent forever doing my hair that morning.

"I would indeed.  I must go prepare now."  He smiled and followed the same path as Legolas.  I stood there, my arms crossed in annoyance.

"I still wanna go," I muttered.  

"Lothuviel!" I looked over my shoulder and saw Morharmaiel approaching.  "There you are!  Have you heard?"

"Yes, I have.  I was the one who found Lenwe," I told her.

"My goodness! Is he alright?" she exclaimed, putting her hand to her chest.

"I do not know.  But Trelan is preparing to leave to go fight, along with Legolas and the other soldiers."

"I see.  Well, we must be getting ready as well," she said, grabbing my hand.

"What do you mean?"

"It is customary for all of the women to see the soldiers off."

"Oh."  We raced to the hall, grabbed our cloaks, then flew out the doors, just in time to see the elves mounting their horses.  All of the female elves were standing around looking worried, and a few were crying.  Some were hugging the men.  However, most were flocked around Legolas, who looked somewhat overwhelmed.  I saw Trelan and walked over to him.  He was adjusting his horse's bridle.

"Trelan?" He turned around and smiled.  

"Yes?"

"Be... be careful."  I gave him a hug and he looked at me expectantly, a smile on his face.  Morharmaiel came up and murmured to me out of the corner of her mouth.

"You must give him a favor," she hissed.  I had no idea what that meant.  "Your handkerchief!"  I dug through the pocket of my cloak and handed him the clean white, lacy handkerchief.  He bowed, kissed my hand, then mounted his horse.  Legolas looked down at Morharmaiel and I without saying a word. Then he yelled to the rest of the soldiers to follow him, and the large group of them galloped out the arched entryway.  There was a hollow feeling in my stomach.

I had a really bad feeling about this.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Whew!  FINALLY I updated!!  I know, the chapter is kinda short and kinda corny, but hey, an update's an update!  Be happy with what you have, or you can shove it up your butt. ^___^  

Also, I'm planning on starting a new POTC fic.  I don't much like the one I've got posted, and I'm planning on taking it down.  The new one is going to be much more original, though not as funny as some of my other stories.  

Talk to y'all later!  Don't forget to review!

Much lurve,

**_~*!Laura!*~_**


	23. Another author note: please read!

Hey y'all!__

Wow, sorry bout that effed-up formatting.  See, I had forgotten to save it as a web page, and then I posted it by accident.  PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!! *gets down on knees and licks her reviewer's shoes*

Reviewers: …Um?

Yay!  I'll take that as a yes.  But as far as I can tell, the formatting is a-okay now.  Huzzah!

Okay, and now on to a different subject: Legomance.  Hmm.  If you guys _reeeeeally_ want a Legomance, I _guess_ I could make it one.  *is thinking YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!* Ahem.  So yes.  It might-

Keyword: **_MIGHT_**

-turn out to be a Legomance.  You'll just have to keep on reading to find out. :-)

On to a few review responses!

**Fuji**** the Hobbit & Akai:** Hey, you guys know each other?  Awesome!  Tell all your other friends about me!  LOL, just kiddin'! …actually, no I'm not.  Please do.  Haha.  Yah, I can see why you hate Trelan, Akai.  But… he's so... Trelan!  He's a big sweety and I wub him.  *huggles her Trelan*

**Trelan****: ***gags, hacks, struggles to breathe*

Teehee. 0:-)

**Ainu Laire: **Yay, I love nachos!  Haha, oh good, so it was yummy-cheesy?  I think that's a good thing!  And of course you can use "Waffle boy" in your fanfic.  I'd be honored. ^__^  It's been so great to have your support all the way through this fic.  Thanks so much!  

**Pickle of Doom:** About the Legomance: see above.  But thanks for your input! Yes, Legolas has _amazing_ snoggability.  Whua!  LOL, I'm gonna hafta use that in my fic, if you don't mind! :-)

**Sugar Icing:** Yes, poor stupid Lenwe had to go off and get shot, didn't he?  *laughs*  Yeah, I feel sorry for him.  Not very, though.  Maybe I'll get my revenge by putting some salt on his wound… *cackle cackle*

To all of you guys: Wow, you review fast!  Oh, I lurve faithful reviewers! *beams*  Thanks y'all!  I always look forward to reading my reviews, but you guys really brightened up my dull Saturday.  

Anybob, sorry about the REALLY long wait between chapters.  I've been so busy recently.  Every weekday afternoon I have lacrosse practice, and then I always have math homework.  And I suck at math, so it usually takes me nearly an hour and a half to do.  Then on Saturdays I go up to see Duke, and on Sundays I have church, then youth group, and then homework.  I had actually started chapter 22 a long while ago, but I hadn't  had time to finish it.  

Anyway, if you didn't catch the A/N in the chapter, I'll soon be posting a new POTC fic.  It's gonna be really interesting, to say the least.  I'm hoping it'll be up by the end of March, and if it's not, I'm really sorry.  

And I know I'm not supposed to post just plain Author's notes, but if you give me a warning from FF.net, shame on you.  You'll be very sorry, and I shall put you through eternal suffering.  

Have a nice day! :-D

Lurve,

**_~*!Laura!*~_**


	24. The 'Angsty' Chapter

Hola again, my little dumpling socks!  Yep, I'm back.  Woot.  Anyway, thanks to all my reviewers, much love and huggles to them.  Now, on with the story!

BTW, this chapter is dedicated to Crystyna.  I promised her I would post this chapter on Thursday, but I forgot! :-O I am a bad girl.  I believe it was Wednesday of this week that was her birthday.  HAPPY B-DAY, TUNA!! LUV YA LOTS!! ^___^

*sends all the elvesies to "celebrate" with Tuna*

Tuna: WOOT!!

ROFL.  Enjoy the chapter. ;)

~*~*~*~*~*~

I watched all the elves disappear gradually into the woods, then shrugged and went back inside.  Nothing more to do here except find something entertaining to do.

I walked up to my room and sat down on the floor by the window.  I crossed my arms on the sill and laid my head down, listening to see if maybe I could hear any sounds from the possible battle that might be going on.  Not surprisingly, I couldn't.  Instead I heard the door open up behind me. 

There was Larien, standing there and looking mighty damn pleased with herself.  Huh.  Probably went off and murdered all the competition, I thought darkly.

Now, in order to get my feelings across about this conversation with dear Larien, I shall give you a personal narrative about my thoughts.

"Hello, Larien," I said, trying not to dive at her throat and strangle her.  What the hell are you doing, uber-bitchy elf.  Do you not understand that I hate your filthy little guts?

"Greetings, _Lothuviel_," she sneered.  Nice to see ya too, hunnybunch.

"What do you want?"

"Just thought I would come and have a heart-to-heart with Trelan's new lover."  

New?  As in, not the first?  Like, the second choice?

I am highly insulted. 

"What do you want?" I repeated.  She closed the door and locked it behind her, a nasty, loathing look on her face.  Then she turned around to face me, and slowly stalked up until her face was inches from mine.

"Do you know _why_ Trelan pays so much attention to you?"

Um.  Duh?

"Because he loves me…"

"HA!" She let out a short, barkish laugh.  "You poor fool.  I really do pity you.  You really think he cares for you?"  She narrowed her eyes, smirking.

"Why would I not?" I retorted.  

"Do you not know the story of what happened before _you_ showed up?"

"No, nor do I wish to hear."

She continued on anyway.

"Trelan had a lover many years ago.  She was beautiful.  She had raven black hair, pale white skin, and the bluest eyes you have ever seen."  She turns to look at me.  "She was much prettier than you."

I just love the politeness of this elf.  She's so kind.  

"Her name was Arien." She looked out the window.  "Trelan loved her so much.  Everyone did.  Especially me, for she was my one true friend."

That's not surprising.

"But then something happened."  Dramatic pause.

"…Yes?" I said.

She turned to look at me again.  "Trelan went mad over her.  His love for Arien became obsession.  He turned possessive over her.  If any elf looked at her, he would be furious and threaten to kill them.  He would not let Arien go anywhere without his assistance.  

"Finally she could not take it anymore.  It had nearly driven her mad as well.  So one night she snuck away from the palace, taking nothing with her but her bow (she was so talented when it came to archery), and rode away on her horse.  No one has seen her since.  They checked for her in Rivendell and Lothlorien, but there was no sign of her.  They say she went over the sea, alone."

I just stood there staring at her.  Obviously I was talking with a complete nutterbar.

"I do not see what this has to do with me."

"You fool," she hissed.  "Do you not understand?  The only reason Trelan pretends to love you is because he misses Arien.  Do not try to fool yourself into believing he actually _cares_ for you, because he does not.  He wishes that he had Arien instead of you.  You obviously don't see how everyone loathes you."  She came perilously near my face, so that I was afraid that if she tripped she might bite my nose off.  I could feel her breath on my face.  "Everyone agrees that you should be over the sea, not her.  She did not deserve it.  You do.  No matter how much you try to convince everyone, not to mention yourself, you will never be loved.  No one wants you here."

Now, I had been thinking this all along, but I never managed to convince myself that this was true.  Could it be that Larien was actually telling the truth?

"I can see what you are thinking," Larien sneered happily.  "You know that I am right.  Why don't you just leave now?"  She looked at the window again.  "Do you see that window?"

Yes, Larien, I am quite aware of the window.  It is a very nice window, as well.  I really do the gothic style of architecture- hey, what are you doing, grabbing my arm like that?

"Come here."

No, Larien, I _won't _come here.  Although it doesn't seem like I have much of a choice, seeing as how your saber-like nails are digging into the skin of my arm.  Not to mention I'm scared shitless.  Now why are you looking down below at the ground, you crazy elf woman?  

"You should jump," she hissed.

Well, what if I don't _want_ to jump, Larien?  Whaddya have to say about that?  Huh?  Huh?

"You know that no one cares about you.  Legolas finds your presence annoying.  Morharmaiel cannot stand you, but she bears its.  And your dear little Mary Sue is tired of you."

I looked at her, petrified.

"I don't want to know," I whispered.

Larien came close to me, put her face near mine. "It is no use, is it?" she said.  "You will never get the better of Arien.  She is all Trelan thinks about, even if she is gone.  She is his real love, not you.  You are pushed in the shadows, yet she is still here, in all her glory.  Why do you not leave Mirkwood?  Why do you not go?"

I backed away towards the window.  This woman is an absolute maniac!

"Why do you not go?" she repeated.  "None of us want you.  Trelan does not want you, he never did.  He cannot forget her.  He wants to be alone in his room again, with her."

I'm going to cut in here for just a second.  Thinking about Trelan and his ex-girlfriend getting it on is about the LAST mental image I ever want to have.  Now I shall let Larien continue ranting.  

"It is you that should be across the sea, not her."

I could feel my stomach tightening with every word.  Then Larien pushed me towards the window.  Get away, you crazy bitch! I wanted to yell, but I didn't.  I was too scared.  I could see the ground, many feet below.

"Look down there," Larien said, sounding disgustingly happy.  "It is easy, is it not?  Why don't you jump?  It would not hurt, not to break your neck.  It is a quick, kind way.  Why don't you try it?  Jump."

I gripped the windowsill with my hands, my knuckles turning white.

"Do not be afraid," said Larien.  "I will not push you.  I will not stand here by you.  You may jump of your own accord.  What is the use of staying here in Mirkwood?  You are not happy, because Trelan does not love you." Her eyes narrowed again. "And neither does Legolas."

If what Larien said before didn't hit it home, that sure did.

I took a deep breath and sighed.  So the crazy bitch has won.  Well, let her win.  Maybe when I die I'll go back to regular old Earth.  Lauren will follow soon.  It won't be that bad.

I leaned out over the windowsill and start to climb over.  "Yes," Larien whispered.  "Go."

Fortunately for me (unfortunately for Larien), at the exact moment when I was about to let go of the windowsill, the sound of an elvish horn rang clear through the woods.  

"What was that?" I asked stupidly.

"They are coming back," she replied, sounding almost friendly.  Scary.  She turned and sprinted out of the room.  I stood on the small ledge outside the window in a stupor, then scuttled back into the room.  Wow, what was I thinking?  I was being just as insane as Larien!  And that's not a good thing.

I ran out of the room, skidded to a halt, then took a quick right to go down the stairs.  I met Lauren halfway down the hallway.  

"Where ya goin'?" she puffed, trying to keep up.

"The elves are back!" I called over my shoulder.

"Weee!" she cheered, miraculously catching up to me.  We continued to sprint down to the main door, successfully bowling over one maid, a guard, and an end table.  However, in all our haste, we didn't have time to stop at the top stair outside.  And it was icy.  Lauren and I went flying off the step and landed face down in the snow just as the elves were riding in triumphantly.  It was a perfect display of my wonderful Mary-Sueish elvish grace.  

I stood up slowly, brushed the snow off my face, smoothed out my dress, and smiled up at the elves who were looking at me like I had just grown another head.  Which, knowing my luck, probably wouldn't have been very unusual.

"Ahem." I cleared my throat uncomfortably and smiled.  Lauren was at my feet, still trying to get her head out of the snow.  She resembled a short, fat, hairy ostrich.  

I looked back up at the elves, and noticed that they were all looking sad and worried.  I scanned around the group of horses, searching for someone who was dead or hurt, and my heart stopped.  Trelan and Legolas were riding the same horse.  Legolas had his arm wrapped around his friend's stomach, Trelan had an arrow sticking out of his chest, and I screamed.  

~*~

I was sitting in an armchair in Trelan's room, watching him sleeping.  Well, this sucks.  I rested my head in my hand and thought about what had happened earlier.  What was I _thinking? _Actually listening to Larien?  What have I been smoking?!

I looked up as the door opened and Morharmaiel came in.  She was smiling sympathetically.  She sat on a footstool next to the chair and patted my hand.  

I smiled back.  "I should call you Mother Morha," I said with a grin.  She grimaced playfully.

"Ugh, please.  I am young enough to be your sister!" We both laughed.  We didn't need to talk about the whole Trelan getting hurt thing.  We both knew that he had simply gotten shot by an orc.  That was obvious to anyone that had seen the arrow in his chest.  It had come perilously close to his heart, but fortunately didn't kill him.  How cliché. 

"Mother-"

"Quiet you," she snapped, swatting me on the back of the head.  I smirked.

"Morha, may I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Did… was Trelan…"

"Yes?"

"Did he really go mad over Arien?" I finished quietly.  Morharmaiel's eyes snapped up to meet mine.

"Who told you that?" she said angrily.

"Larien."

"Ooh, I will kill her!" she nearly screamed.  I backed away slowly.  "She was told _never_ to tell you about that!"

"She said that Trelan became over protective of her."

"It was not just that."  I was afraid of what would come next.  "He tried to force himself upon her." 

My jaw dropped in horror.  I looked at Trelan, then at her, then back at Trelan.  This was unbelievable.

"Please tell me you are joking."

"No, I am not."

"By the Valar…" I felt like crying.  

"That is why we were so worried the other night when he came into your room."  I trembled when I thought of what could have happened.  To think I actually_ liked_ this guy!  He's an elvish rapist!

"_See, I told you_," I heard Frank mutter.

"_Shove it, Frank,_" I retorted.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" I asked, insulted.

"We did not want you to be angry," she said quietly, looking at her hands which were folded in her lap.  I closed my eyes and sighed.  _Refrain from strangling her_, I told myself.  _Legolas probably didn't want her to tell, and she didn't, because she's cool like that._

"I hope you understand," she whispered, looking like she might cry as well.

"I do," I said with a small smile.  "If you will excuse me, I need to take a walk."  She nodded and told me that she would stay with Trelan.  I thanked her and walked out the door, closing it softly behind me.  

I walked down the hallway slowly, feeling numb.  This had all come as such as shock.  My shoulders were drooping sadly, and, for the first time since I had been in Mirkwood, the elves that passed me gave me sympathetic looks, not ones of bemusement or disgust. Sigh.  Every cloud has a silver lining, I guess. 

I continued wandering the halls for at least another hour.  By then I was sure I had missed dinner, but I wasn't hungry anyways.  But I went into the dining hall to see who was there.  I saw only two people, and with further investigation I realized it was Thranduil and Legolas. They both looked up as I approached, and Thranduil said something to his son then left, so that Legolas and I were alone.  Ooer.

"Legolas-" He put up his hand to silence me.

"Before you say anything, Lothuviel, I want to deeply apologize for what happened to Trelan.  It was my fault."

"It is well, but Legolas-"

"And if you are cross with me, I will understand."

"I'm not cross, Lego-"

"And, if you wish, Trelan has requested that you sleep in his room this evening."  I stopped.

Legolas, are you _nuts?_

"And if you are willing, I said that it was all right."

So you are nuts.  Next question: Why must I pay so dearly for your insanity?

"Legolas, I do not wish to sleep in Trelan's room.  Nor do I wish to have anything to do with him anymore," I said quietly.  Legolas stared at me.

"Why?" he said.  But I knew he already knew.  I felt my bottom lip tremble, and I threw myself at him and started to sob on his shoulder.

"Oh, Legolas, Larien told me everything!" I wailed.  I told him all about what had happened, along with the window situation.  Then I told him what Morharmaiel had said, and how I was afraid I'd get raped if I were to stay with Trelan that night.  And, to my surprise, he did not push me off of his shoulder.  Instead, he gave me a comforting hug.  

"Shhhh," he said, as if hushing a baby.  "It is all right.  You do not have to.  And you certainly will not have to see Trelan again if you do not wish to." To my shock and delight, he cupped my face in his hands and lifted it up so that my face was mere inches from his. "And I will not permit Larien to say another word to you."  My knees weakened under his kind smile.  Any feelings I had temporarily had for Trelan had gone poof.

"Nung," I said intelligently.  I'm sure I looked drop-dead gorgeous, what with my puffy red eyes, tear-stained cheeks, and runny nose.

He laughed.  "Nung?" he said with a grin.  I sniffed in the snot that I was sure was dripping out my nose and nodded.

"Yes. Nung."  

"Well there is a new word I can add to my vocabulary." I laughed with him and he smiled. "Now wipe away your tears and go to bed.  You have had a rough day."  He leaned down, kissed my hand, and gave me a really sexy gaze.  I nearly said "nung" again, but I didn't.  Instead I said, "Sleep well," and walked away.  It took all the strength left in my body to not turn around, sprint back to him, and press my lips against his.  Fortunately I did the exact opposite and walked to my room.  Thank God.

I flopped onto my bed without undressing and breathed in the lavender scent of my pillow.  I smiled.

"Excuse my French," I said out loud, "but fuck Trelan."

"_Laura!" _Frank admonished. I laughed openly and closed my eyes.  Every cloud _does_ have a silver lining.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Yes, kids, that was the angsty chapter.  "Angst".  Hehe.  Yeah.  Remind me to _never_ write a serious fic, 'cause I would butcher it.  

Review, y'all!

Lurve,

**_~*!Laura!*~_**


	25. Mary Suedom

Hello, my lil' Loony Toons!  Here are some review responses:

**Jenny:** Of course there is more!  And here it is! :D

**KTB: **Yup.  Trelan is a phsycho.  Dur.  Hehe.  Congrats on getting' your job at the zoo, Kiddles!  ;)

**The Solitary Rose: **Dude, I'm just thinkin' about doing a parody of a serious fic, just to see how badly I would kill it.  And it would be a gruesome death, lemme tell ya. :D  Yup, so Trelan's a rapist and Larien's a bitch.  Well, we already knew about the bitchiness, but who woulda thunk that Trelan raped people? Yarg. 

**Lolly: **Ooh, I like when Leggy has lots of hormones.  naughty grin  Yeah, Trelan's just too good to be true.  In other words, he's a "chinga tu madre" elf.  LMAO.  Nice translation. :-P

**Reisha: **Hey guy(s)! Thanks for the "long annoyingly appreciative comment".  LOL, I appreciate it. ;)

**Rogue mystique: **Oh I know, I am a genius. cough Yeah.  Thanks for the review.  Ooh, so you think I _should_ kiss dear Leggy? Hmm.  We'll just hafta see about that. ;)

**KoalaBurr: **YES!!! Georgia Nicolson rocks my socks!! Those have got to be some of the greatest books of all time!! So so so so funny.  Anybob, thanks for the review! And thanks for the cookie! stuffs cookie in mouth

**Cotume: **Well, Trelan is a bad guy.  LOL.  Sorry to dissapoint ya.  But this story is bound to have a lot more twists, I guarantee it. :)

**Ainu Lote: **laughs Glad ya like it.  Ooh, I wanna be an honorary spleen fairy!! Please!?

**Tsurai Ryu: **Sorry for the long time between updates, but here it is!  Yup, some Lego-mance-ness is always fun for me. Maybe I _will_ make it a L.M. Hmm…

**Tuna: **Yup.  If elvish rapists didn't exist… well, they do now. :D  Anybob.  I'll help with TGOO anytime ya want.  Luv ya dahlin! ;)

**Elrohir Lover: **Yeah, Larien got a baseball bat to the skull!  Woot!  Hmm, mayhap I should introduce the great American past time to Middle earth. Mwahahah.

**Rad: **Yay! More Pixy Stix and Pop Rocks! catches in mouth Mmm.  Anybob.  Yup, interesting twists are always the bomb.  More will be coming soon, I hope. :D

**Horseluver13: **Hmm.  So ya think it _should_ be a Legomance? I'll hafta think about it, but I sure hope it will be! :D

**Athena Diagon Cat: **Yup. Trelan's a bad apple. He'll get beaten in the head with a mallet someday, preferably by moi.  Hehe.  Hmm. An elf from Rivendell, eh?  Maybe E&E? licks lips Yum. Twins.

**Lily the Bucklander: **I wouldn't blame Arien if she killed herself.  Dude, I sure would have. Hehe.  Thanks for the review!

**Fuji the Hobbit: **Happy hobbits are fun to be with!  :D  Interesting twists are fun as well. :)

On another note: WOW! I have 312 reviews! :-O  Thanks so much for supporting me, y'all!  Love ya tons!  Now onto the story.

::::::::::

I looked up and down the long table of elves, chin in hand, drumming my fingers on the mahogany surface.  I sighed. This was retarded. 

_Tha-tha-thunk.  Tha-tha-thunk. _

"Lothuviel, would you please de-SIST?" Thranduil said angrily from the head of the table.  Morharmaiel put her hand over mine to make me stop drumming my nails.  I leaned back at my chair and scowled. 

"Why am I here?" I hissed to her.  She shrugged.  We were at some sort of meeting about the whole orcy-thing.  I didn't really see how I was involved, though, since I had nothing to do with it.  Thranduil had been talking for at least two hours, and I had been dragged out of bed at…what? Quarter to five in the morning?  Because, you know, we wanted good seats.

"This guy rants more than a bitch with PMS," Lauren whispered.  Yup, Lulu was there, too.  I snickered, and everyone turned to look at me.  Apparently they were not discussing a funny topic.

"So, Lothuviel, you find the fact that Trelan was almost killed amusing?" Thranduil scolded.

"Sorry," I muttered.  I was _this close_ to going up to him, kicking him in the balls and walking out of the room.

"Father, may I say something?" Legolas said.  I yawned and looked out the window.  The sun was just now coming up over the horizon.  Not that I could _see_ the horizon, mind you, because we were, after all, in a forest.

"Yes, Legolas?"

"Well…" Leggy began.  I zoned out, my eyes half closed.  I had no idea how all of the elves found this interesting.

I felt someone nudge my shoulder, and was brought back to reality by many elvish faces glaring at me.  Morha had shoved me slightly. 

"Lothuviel, if you cannot stay awake, then please _leave_," Thranduil growled.  I raised an eyebrow and shrugged my shoulders.

"Very well," I muttered, and got up to walk out the door.  There was scattered, disapproving murmurs from many people.  I opened the door, turned around, waved, and left with a cute smile spread across my face.

After prancing about to a random place (i.e., the kitchen) and snagging a bit to eat (i.e., pretty much a gourmet breakfast of eggs, bacon, and some toast that I made myself on one of the stoves), I walked back towards my room to get another hour of shut-eye.  But before I could get there, I ran into Legolas. 

"Hello-oo-oh boy, what did I do?" He did not look too happy.

"My father was not serious when he said you may leave," he growled.  I sighed.

"But I was so _bored_."

"Well, if you had stayed but five more minutes, it may have been more interesting."  Damn him.

"What was interesting?"

"Everyone in that room, you and Morharmaiel included, was asked to join a raid to attack the orcs again."  I felt my jaw drop.

"I can still go, can't I?" I pleaded.

"No."

"WHY?"

"Because you left the gathering."

"But- but…"

"No, Lothuviel.  You will stay here and wait."

I growled. "That isn't fair."

"Perhaps, but you were not in the room, therefore-"

"But I was there BEFORE," I said a little louder. 

"My father gave me strict orders to tell you that you were not allowed to go," he said even louder than I.

"Well, your 'father' is a moron!"

"How _dare_ you call my father names!" he shouted.

"And he is a pedophile, and a whoremonger at that!"

Then it became a full-out war.  Legolas started shouting about how I had done nothing but cause trouble (which OBVIOUSLY isn't true), and how I had acted completely immature and a whole bunch of other crap.  I screamed that he was a stuck-up, snooty bag of hot air and that he was self-obsessed at that.  Then he called me names that I shouldn't repeat because fangirls may kill me. 

I was just about to throttle him when a guard came up and said, "My lord…"

"WHAT??" Legolas and I both yelled at the same time.  The guard cringed, then leaned in to whisper something in Legolas' ear.  Legolas nodded and started to follow him. 

"Where are you going?" I asked, glaring at him.

"To prepare for the raid," he replied in a taunting tone of voice.  I growled at him.  This wasn't over.

:::::

The elves were gone for the whole day, including Morha and all my other buddies.  I was left to sulk around with Lauren.  We had nothing to do, so in the end went back to my room and gossiped about all the elves. 

Late that afternoon, just as the sun was disappearing behind the trees, everyone returned, causing quite a racket.  Apparently they had won a fabulous victory, and Morharmaiel was a hero.  She had killed an orc that had come within inches of killing Legolas.

As soon as all of the warriors had a chance to clean up, all of the elves in Mirkwood walked out to a big victory feast in a clearing in the woods.  There were long, light wooden tables set up in the clearing, literally loaded with foods of all sorts.  Morha had the "honor" of sitting next to Thranduil, on his left.  Honor my ass.  I was sitting next to her, with Elrohir to my right, and Legolas right across from me.  We both spent the whole dinner glaring at each other.  But later he came up and told me that he had no hard feelings; he was just a bit upset.  I agreed, and decided that I would keep my distance from him that evening.

After everyone had eaten and Thranduil had given a speech, there was music and dancing.  I, however, was too sour to be interested, and turned down all invitations to dance with all of the many hot elf hunks, even Elrohir.  Morharmaiel, on the other hand, was having quite an evening.  I watched in amazement as she consumed goblet after goblet of the strong elvish wine, and within an hour she was spectacularly drunk.  It was really amusing, actually, until something strange happened.

After a nice little waltz had been played, the elves playing instruments struck up a lively tune.  Morha's eyes lit up, and she immediately hopped on the table, giving everyone big, gorgeous grins.  She proceeded to yell that she was "awesome," and then did a very drunken rendition of what seemed to be the "Macarena".  Everyone was horrified, even me.  This had gotten to the point where I was embarrassed for her.  So I took the liberty of freeing her from the limelight. 

I walked over slowly to the chair she was standing on, shaking her butt at the elves, and put my had on her arm.

"Morha, dear, perhaps it is time you went to bed…" I said slowly.  She looked down at me with a confused expression, then twisted her face into a thoughtful look at the sky.

"Yes, bed," she slurred.  "Bed time, beddy-bye, bed bye boo…" she trailed off.  I helped her down from the chair and led her gently away from the group of people.  However, before we left, she wanted to make one more announcement.  She pulled herself away from me and stumbled up to Legolas.

"Leeegolasssh…" she hissed in his ear.  "Leggyy… I just want ya to know…" Here she paused and gave him a friendly pat on the shoulder, accompanied by a hiccup.  Legolas stared at her incredulously. "…that I love ya."  With that she planted a rather sloppy kiss on his cheek, then wobbled back over to me.  I attempted to pick my jaw up off of the floor, then dragged the poor drunken maiden away from the judgmental stares of the elves.

 When we reached her room she flopped down on the bed, facedown, and started snoring into the pillow within seconds.  I raised my eyebrows at her.  This was one strange elf.  I shook my head and headed back to my own room.

:::::

I was awakened the next morning to the sounds of elven women walking down the hall chattering about last night's events.  I squinted at the window and was surprised to see that it was early in the afternoon, probably around one o'clock.  Then I remembered that Morha probably had a hangover and hadn't woken up yet, either.  I climbed out of bed, took a quick bath, and put on a light blue dress.  Then I walked down to Morharmaiel's room to check on her.

When I opened the door, the poor thing was still asleep, looking quite the worse for wear.  I chuckled slightly and tapped her on the shoulder. 

"Morha, darling, you need to wake up," I said softly.  She groaned and turned over so that her back was to me.  I prodded her again.  "Morharmaiel, wake up.  You should have something to eat." She rolled back over and looked at me.  She looked terrible.  Her eyes had dark circles under them, and her hair was tangled and had a couple leaves stuck in it.  She was still wearing the same dress from last night, which had a couple red wine stains on it, and was very wrinkly.  She blinked a couple times, then moaned and put her hand to her head.

"I feel like crap," she muttered.  I stared at her.  Since when did elves start saying "crap"?

"Well…why don't you go down to the kitchen? Or to the healers.  I'm sure they will give you something to make you feel better."  She blinked a couple of times and nodded.

"Yeah.  Yeah, I'll do that."  She struggled to get herself out of bed, then stumbled out the door. 

"I'll draw your bath and set out a dress for you," I called.  I heard a muffled grunt in reply.  As soon as she was gone, I set to work.  Morha had been acting differently recently, and I wanted to find out if my suspicions were correct.

I started to dig through the desk that was in the corner.  I found several books, all of them written in elvish.  I tossed these onto the desktop and kept looking.  It was not long until I found something unusual: a book that was written in English.  Not Westron, English.  I gazed at it.  Slowly I went over to the bed, sat down, and opened the book in my lap and began to read.

April 21, 2003 

_Oh my gosh, I can't believe it!  I'm in Middle Earth!_

_It all started when I was reading my Return of the King book.  I had just closed my eyes to go to sleep, when suddenly a bright light filled my bedroom, and I felt as though I was being sucked into the book.  The last thing I saw were the posters of Orlando Bloom on my wall…_

I gasped.  This was incredible! I kept reading.

I landed in the middle of the woods, still in my pajamas.  After a few hours, this really nice elf named Arien found me.  She took me back to her home.  Guess where she lives?  Mirkwood, the same place as Legolas!  I even got to meet him.  He's so gorgeous… 

"What are you doing!?" someone shrieked.  I whirled around and saw Morharmaiel standing in the doorway, looking horrified.  "What-"  I leapt to my feet and pointed accusingly.

"You're a Mary Sue!" I bellowed.  She stared at me, then narrowed her eyes.

"And you are, too!"

Well damn, she had me there.  We glared at each other for a few minutes, then simultaneously grinned.

"Friendling!" I cried.

"Buddy!" she squealed.  We ran and hugged each other, as if we were meeting for the first time.  "What's your name?" she asked excitedly.

"Laura.  Your's?"

"I'm Nicole."  We squealed and hugged each other again, then sat down and talked about how we had each gotten here.

"I never would have guessed you were a Mary Sue," I said, quite impressed.  She giggled.  "It was really kind of obvious that you were one, but I didn't want to say anything," she teased.  She had a cute little Spanish accent. 

"This is amazing.  I can't believe there are other Mary Sues here," I said.  She nodded.  "Yes.  There are three others: Abby, Katie, and Beth.  They're so sweet.  I will introduce you to them later.  They'll be just thrilled that you're here!" she exclaimed.  I grinned.

I suddenly had a whole new outlook on this adventure in Mirkwood.

::::::::::

(claps excitedly)  Yay for inspiration!  I've got a whole lovely plan now!  And I got it all by myself! (beams)  Review, kids!

Lurve,

**_.:!Laura!:._**


	26. Screwed

Told you I wasn't dead. I am quite alive, I'm pretty sure. (checks pulse, looks at flub on her tummy) Oh yes, I am alive. Teehee. This chapter will be very short, since I whipped it up around 9:15 at night. But hey, it's been four months since I last updated, and I figure that a small update is better than none, eh? (I haven't updated in so long, in fact, that I forgot the characters' names! LMAO.) Fabulous. On to the chapter!

The next day, Morha (a.k.a. Nicole) took me to meet the other Mary Sues: Abby, Beth, and Katie. She told me that their identities had to be kept a secret, and that if I were to ever come across them, that I shouldn't run up and start talking.

So off we marched, down the stairs. Then down another set of stairs. And another.

"Uh, Nicole? Where the hell are we going?" I asked, feeling rather confused.

"We can't be caught talking to each other about regular Earth, so we have a secret meeting place." She opened up a heavy wooden door. By now we were deep underground, probably somewhere around the dungeons.

"Well this is cheerful," I muttered.

"Shhh." I followed her in, and found myself in another room. This one was circular, and was full of doors. Nicole walked to one that was on our left, and knocked twice. A squeaking noise replied, and Nicole chirped. I stared. "It's our way of letting each other know who it is," she clarified. I nodded, although I didn't really understand. Nicole opened the door, and gestured for me to go through.

The room was small, about the size of a walk-in closet. The only light came from a lone candle sitting on an upturned crate. And around it, three full-grown elf maidens sat on cushions. Each of them were very pretty, although I couldn't help noticing that their faces all looked the same as mine. And, come to think of it, so did Nicole's. Huh. Generic Mary Sues.

All of them leapt up when they saw me with alarmed looks on their faces. "Nicky, who's this?" the one with red hair shrieked, giving me a hard look. "You know we don't allow _real _elves here!"

"Chill, Bethy, she's cool. She's an MS too," Nicole assured her.

"Prove it," the one with black hair said darkly.

"Fine. Laura?"

"Yes'm?" I answered.

"Answer this Abby's question." Abby, the one with dark hair, stood up and put her face inches away from my own.

"What is the capital of Timbuktu?" she said quickly. I stared at her.

"Do _you_ even know the answer to that? Besides, I thought Timbuktu was a city," I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"…No. Good point. Okay, who is Antonio Banderas?"

"He's an actor. He was in 'The Mask of Zorro' along with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Anthony Hopkins," I said triumphantly.

"Impressive," said the third girl. She had long, wavy blonde hair that put my own to shame. She stuck out her hand for me to shake, and said with a grin, "My name's Katie. Welcome to S.M.U.S.S."

"Smuss?" I asked.

"Super Mega Uber Slut Society," Abby clarified.

"The elite class of Mary Sues here in Mirkwood," Beth added. I laughed.

"See, I told you they were awesome," Nicole added.

"Indeed."

For the next hour, Katie, Abby, and Beth told about themselves. Each of them lived in a town called Wheaton in Illinois: they had been "zapped" to Middle Earth by doing a spell they found in a Wicca book. They had been best friends in Illinois, and continued to be here in Mirkwood.

"Oh, forgot someone," Abby said. She lifted up the crate, nearly knocking over the candle, and pulled out a whisk with a picture of Dominic Monaghan on it. "This is Tham the Whithk," she said. I furrowed my brow.

"Tham?"

"As in Sam, but with a gay lisp," Katie clarified. I nodded, not really comprehending.

"That's… cool…" I trailed off as Beth pulled out the front of her dress and looked down it. "Um… what are you doing?" I asked.

"Wha- oh, sorry!" She giggled as she reached down her dress. I looked away quickly, but then turned back when I heard a beeping noise. "I keep my digital watch in here. That way no one will find it."

"Except when you had that little… trist with Mordil," Abby muttered.

"Oh Lord, that was _bad,_" Nicole groaned with a smirk. "See, Beth here got a little, ah, 'friendly' with one of the elves here-"

"He was _really hot!_" Beth argued.

"-and Mordil proceeded to feel her up and find her watch," Nicole finished.

"So what did you do?" I asked, extremely interested.

"I told him that a wizard had given it to me, and that it was a magic charm to keep away orcs," Beth snorted. I laughed along with everyone. Abby grabbed Beth's watch and looked at it.

"Eh, it's almost one o'clock. I'm craving some lunch, how about you all?" Everyone nodded in agreement. Nicole got up and opened the door and ushered us through. I bowed to her, then walked through the door—right into someone.

"Oh pardon-" I began, then stopped. Legolas, Lenwe, and Trelan were all standing outside the door with looks of horror on their faces.

"Oh,_ fuck."_

(insert dramatic music here) CLIFFHANGER!!!

Lurve,

Laura


	27. Farewell, Mirkwood

Oh my goodness, kiddies, I'm back. I know, I know, it's been like a billion years, but hey, better late than never, right?

crickets

…Riiiight?

Anyways, this idea came to me a few days ago when I was showering. Somehow showering makes me think better about my 'fics. Of course, now I've taken like four showers and my skin is dry, but it's all for you, people! Hurrah!

"Well, this sorta sucks," Beth said, picking straw out of her hair.

"Agreed," Katie muttered. "God, it smells like sewage down here."

"All of you be quiet," the elf guarding our cell snapped. "It is your own fault that you have been thrown into the dungeons, and you will have to pay the price for lying to the whole kingdom for the last year."

"Morharmaiel, I would have thought better of you," Legolas said with a disappointed frown.

"Lothuviel, how _could_ you?" Trelan said, looking like he was about to cry. I wrinkled my nose in disgust and stepped away from the bars.

"Um. I…well… er…" I trailed off.

"Trelan, I ask that you and Perdil stay here with the _prisoners_," Legolas sneered, "while I go alert my father about recent events, and find the hobbit girl."

"Of course, my lord," the elf that had yelled at us said with a bow. "If they should try to escape, I shall make them regret it." He glanced at us from the corner of his eye.

"Thank you," Legolas said as he returned the bow. "I shall return in but a minute." He gave us one final glare and then started back up through the caves. We four girls sighed glumly at the exact same time and then plopped down onto the half-rotted straw that served as a bed in the cell. About thirty seconds later, the elf called Perdil turned around and grinned at us.

"Alright, so why did _you_ four come here?" he said in an almost taunting manner. We stared at him.

"I beg your pardon, Perdil, I do not understand," Abby said as she tried to smooth her dress in vain.

"Oh cut the crap, ladies, I know you're not real elves," Perdil said. My jaw dropped.

"Huh?" I said, standing up and clutching the bars on the cell. The four others gathered around behind me, apparently a bit intimidated.

"Seriously, you didn't think that you were the only kids from Earth that came here?" he asked. Trelan was looking at me over his shoulder with a sneaky grin.

"Who _are_ you?" Beth blurted out. The two of them straightened up, looking important.

"Allow me to introduce myself," Perdil said with a sweeping bow. "My name is Matt." I stared at him, my mouth still hanging open.

"You mean _guys_ come to Middle Earth, too?" I asked.

"Of course. I mean, damn, Arwen is just too fine to let that snot Aragorn take her away. You all call yourselves Mary Sues, right?" We nodded. "Well, we men call ourselves Marty Sams."

"Are you freaking serious?" Katie said. "Why is Trelan acting okay with this, then?"

"Oh, that dweeb?" Matt said, rolling his eyes. "_That's_ my little brother, Jon. He's rather fond of the ladies."

"Sorry, Lothy. When I saw you for the first time I said to myself, 'Damn, bitch, you is _fine!_'" Jon said. I gave him a dry look. "I mean… you looked very nice," he muttered.

"Jon is still at his 'awkward stage'," Matt said, doing the little quotes with his fingers. "He doesn't know how to treat a girl just yet. He's only thirteen after all."

"Shut up," Jon growled. All of a sudden Nicole squealed.

"I remember you!" she cried, pointing excitedly at Matt/Perdil. "You were the one that stalked me when I first got here!" Matt looked at the ground and murmured something about her looking like Arwen.

"HA! Moron, you screwed up just as bad as I did!" Jon shouted excitedly. His brother responded by slapping him upside the head. "Ow…"

"Waaait a second," Abby said, interrupting the moment of brotherly love. "Why were all the real elves so perplexed when we showed up, but they were okay with it when you suddenly appeared?"

"Excellent question, my dear Watson," Matt said.

"Hey, that's _my_ last name!" Beth said angrily. Matt ignored her outburst and continued.

"You see, there's a couple of ways to get into different stories. You can either be made into a new character, like the four of you did, or you can actually temporarily switch places with the person in the story."

"_Seriously_?" Nicole said.

"Oh yeah. See, Perdil and Trelan were real elves before we got here. All we did was simply use a different method of getting here. So basically, right now they're stuck in Earth in our bodies, but they're still elves on the inside."

"Whoa, that's weird," Nicole muttered.

"Yeah. Jon got here before I did, so when he started talking strange I knew that he had come into Lord of the Rings. The real Trelan sort of freaked out when he found Jon's copy of the books in his bookshelf, and he was afraid of the computer. So I had to sit down and have a chitchat with him. He was alright after he got out of the coma."

"So what happened with the real Perdil?" I asked.

"Dunno. He's probably freaking out as much as Trelan did. They haven't been there that long, though. Middle Earth time goes faster than our time does. How long have you guys been here?"

"Well, they've been here more than a year," I said, gesturing to the others. "I got here about eight months ago, I'm guessing."

"Alright. So. Jon's been here about that amount of time I think, and he was only gone about two hours. So I'm guessing that you- what was your name again?"

"Laura," I said.

"Right. You've been gone about two hours as well, and you four have probably been missing about six hours. So it's all good. Just tell your parents when you get back that you were at a friend's house or something."

"What do you mean, when we get back? I'm not leaving," Katie said haughtily. "I'm not leaving until I get my Haldir."

"And I've only met Aragorn once, so I have to stay until I snag him," Beth explained.

"Uh, Legolas hates me, so he probably wouldn't be too sad if I left now," I muttered. The brothers sniggered. "Although Elladan and Elrohir don't seem to mind me much…"

"Oh boy, don't get involved with them," Jon warned. "There was another girl not too long ago, I think her name was Alex. She was trying to get Elrohir, and she had him until he turned around and just left her. There were rumors that they found her body in the middle of the forest hanging from a tree." He shuddered.

"Oh my god! Do you die on Earth if you die here?" I asked anxiously.

"Of course not. You just get sent home, and I don't think you can come back ever again," Matt said. "I'm not sure though. I've never died. Jon did, though."

"How did you get back then?" Nicole asked.

"Oh, it was a different story. I was in 'The Mask of Zorro.' Catherine Zeta-Jones is one hot mama," he said with a smirk.

"So what happened?"

"Well, I… um…"

Matt snickered. "He tried to _kidnap_ her. Of course they found him and shot him through the face immediately."

"Shut up! I had a headache for a week," Jon complained.

"Wow. That's intense," Beth said.

"Dude, where's Legolas?" I asked. "He's been gone for like fifteen minutes."

"He's probably trying to find that hobbit girl," Jon said.

"Uh oh. She's my best friend. Will they do anything to her?"

"I don't know." Matt looked over his shoulder. "Crap, I hear them coming down the hall. Do any of you want to go back now?" he asked quickly.

Nicole bit her lip, then raised her hand. "I really don't have a reason to be here anymore," she said. "I mean, I originally wanted Legolas, but I don't really anymore. He doesn't like me much anyways."

"Alright, then come on out," Matt said, beckoning her.

"I can't get out unless you open the door," she said. He sighed.

"It's unlocked. You could have gotten out at any time."

"Oh." She pushed against the cell door slightly and it opened. She stepped out and stood in front of Jon.

"Okay, I promise you won't feel this too much. It'll just feel like heartburn or something," he said. "You ready?"

"Yeah, I'm good."

"Here's my screen name," Matt said, handing her a slip of paper. "Message me when you get back. I'll probably be home within a few hours."

"Okay."

"Me too!" I said. "My screen name is Legolas Stalker." Nicole grinned.

"Awesome. Talk to you guys on the flip side." She saluted, and then Jon stabbed her. We screamed and cowered into the corner of the cell as she crumpled to the ground with a small groan.

"And if any of you try to escape, you shall get the same!" Jon said loudly as Legolas rounded the corner with his father following him. When they saw Nicole lying on the ground they both ran forward.

"What happened?" Thranduil asked. "What happened to Morharmaiel, Trelan?"

"My lord, this lady opened the door and tried to attack Perdil with his own knife. I did the only thing I could think of. I apologize." Jon/Trelan bowed down, looking slightly guilty.

"It is a shame that a woman that we trusted could turn on us in such a way," Thranduil said, shaking his head in disappointment. "However, she would have died eventually, I believe."

"Let the prisoners out of the cell, Perdil. We need to question them." Matt nodded and opened the cell door. We remaining four walked out silently and I made my decision. As we stood behind Legolas and his father, their backs to us, I looked at Matt and Jon over their shoulders.

"I'm going home now," I mouthed. Matt furrowed his brow, then nodded very slightly. I waved sadly at the other three, then pounced on Legolas.

"The glory of Mirkwood shall die!" I said dramatically. Okay, corny, but it was the only thing I could think of. I reached for Legolas' knife and caught a glimpse of the three girls trying very hard not to laugh at my dumbness. I purposely moved slowly so that Legolas would reach the knife before I did. I gasped slightly as a searing pain went through my chest, then fell to my knees. Immediately everything started to become blurry as though I was flying backwards rapidly away from everyone. Then I looked up at Legolas.

"I…I…always thought you were hot," I whispered. The last thing I saw was the extremely confused look on his face.

Yay! Time to go to a party. Huzzah! I'll update ASAP!

Laura


	28. The End, question mark?

Quickly everything started to speed up until I was heading full throttle backwards into nothingness. Then, it stopped. But I kept going.

"LOOK OUT!" a familiar voice shrieked. I had no way of stopping myself, so I hurtled straight into Lauren. We both crashed backwards into the two beanbags in my room. I turned around quickly, just in time to see a strange, rippling hole in the television screen disappear, revealing the rolling credits of "The Fellowship of the Ring."

"Whoa. Sweet," I said.

"What the crap, Laura? That hurt!" Lauren whined.

"Yeah, I deliberately aimed straight for you," I said dryly. "How'd you get back before me?"

"Uh, well, the elves found me hiding in the closet, and then they got mad when I tried to hit them with the candlestick I had, and they hit me with it instead, and I blacked out, and then I was back here. How'd you get home?"

"I died."

"…Nice. Good job."

"Thanks. I try." I went over to the computer and found it still on, and my away message still up: "having a LOTR extravaganza with lauren. don't bug me or you will die."

I hadn't even begun typing out a message to my friend Kelsey when a box popped up: "User **MartySam99** has messaged you. Will you accept?"

"Gee, I wonder who that is," I said, clicking the Yes button.

**MartySam99: **Hey. Have a nice trip back?

**Legolas Stalker: **heya… uh, not really.

**MartySam99: **Haha. Well, it didn't hurt, did it?

**Legolas Stalker: **no. but i wish I could have gone another way.

**MartySam99: **Yeah. There wasn't really any other way for you to get home at that point in time.

**Legolas Stalker: **well, whats the normal way to go then?

**MartySam99: **Usually we use a "portal", if you will.

**Legolas Stalker: **a portal?

**MartySam99: **Yeah. Sounds very cliché, I know. There are specific places we've marked which are ways to get between the "real" world (as in our world) and other realities.

**Legolas Stalker: **i see… wait, who's we?

**MartySam99: **"We" are a group of Mary Sues/Marty Sams. Over the years, we've discovered ways of getting between realities.

**Legolas Stalker: **riiiiight…

**MartySam99: **I know. It sounds stupid. But it's true. Ever since about the 1950's, when movie stars were starting to become huge role models and icons, and when teenage girls started to go ballistic over characters in movies, people have been randomly poofing to different worlds. Occasionally, two people would bump into each other in the same story, and they started to realize that there were others like them. So they started making a list. Right now there are at least 500 people, that we know of, that know about the other realities. Only about 100 of them are active travelers, and 75 of them are girls.

**Legolas Stalker: **surprise, surprise.

**MartySam99: **Haha, yeah. And since LOTR came out as a movie, there's been a huge surge in travel to Middle Earth. We've had trouble avoiding overlaps in schedules.

**Legolas Stalker: **what do you mean schedule?

**MartySam99: **We keep track of peoples' trips and try to make sure they don't bump into one another. It makes for a better experience. We've figured out a pattern in the whole alternate reality system, and can calculate when and where they end up.

**Legolas Stalker: **so you control who goes and who doesn't?

**MartySam99: **Pretty much. There are some exceptions, like you and those other girls. Of course, we'll add your names to the list so you can travel when and where you'd like.

**Legolas Stalker: **really? AWESOME!

**MartySam99: **But you need to tell us in advance so we can fit you into our schedule.

**Legolas Stalker: **this is so cool. i want to go to every orlando bloom movie..

**MartySam99: **I'd recommend not playing a part in "Troy." Almost every person who has gone there has complained of being raped and/or killed.

**Legolas Stalker: **….dag yo

**MartySam99: **Yeah. And "Black Hawk Down" isn't a good choice, either. He's on camera about thirty seconds, and then he falls out of the helicopter.

**Legolas Stalker:** …

**MartySam99: **Oh and I'm not sure if you can get into "Kingdom of Heaven" right now or not. There's already a waiting list, and it doesn't even come out on video for several months. Don't even get me started on that movie "Wilde"…

**Legolas Stalker: **STOP RUINING MY DREAMS!

**MartySam99: **Okay, okay. Sorry. Where and when would you like to go?

**Legolas Stalker: **hmmmmmm…

I thought about this for a minute. Then the obvious hit me.

**Legolas Stalker:** welllll…

"LAURA, GET DOWN HERE, NOW!"

Oh shizzle.

**Legolas Stalker:** damn brb

**MartySam99: **Sure thing.

I sulked down the stairs, Lauren following cautiously behind. There was The Mother, standing in the hallway. Crap.

"What?" I asked in an innocent way that pretty much admitted I was guilty of something. I tried to ignore the terrifying glare she was aiming in my direction.

"Where were you two? I've been looking for you for three hours!"

"Well, I-"

"I was this close to calling the police, Laura! I had no idea where you were!"

"Me and Lauren walked to the store."

She continued to glare at me. "It took you three hours to get to the store and back?"

"Well…uh…"

"We saw some people we know and talked to them for a while," Lauren broke in. Oooh, she's good.

"'A while' is not two hours, girls," my mom said slowly. "You didn't have your cell phones, you didn't leave a note… how did you even leave the house without me knowing?"

"We were acting like spies, so we climbed out the window," Lauren explained coolly.

This seemed to satisfy my mother who, after living with me for sixteen years, must certainly be used to my strange behavior.

"Whatever. Lauren, I think it's time for you to head home I'm sorry you had to see this argument."

Why does that always happen? Even when your friend is involved with some troublemaking, the parents are all like "Ooooooh, since you are the guest, you don't get into trouble." Such B.S.

When Lauren had left, my mom turned to me. "You're grounded, UFN." (Until Further Notice) I glowered and nodded. That usually meant a week or so. Not too long.

I dragged myself upstairs and plopped into my computer chair.

**Legolas Stalker: **ok, bak. sry bout that.

**MartySam99: **What happened?

**Legolas Stalker: **my mom is royally pissed off that i disappeared for 3 hours.

**MartySam99: **Yikes. Tough luck. Been there, done that.

**Legolas Stalker: **ya, but the good news is that i can book my little trip to the Caribbean and my mom won't be suspicious.

Wrong.

"LAURA. Being grounded does NOT mean "Plop your ass down in front of the computer and stay glued to it for two weeks". Turn it off. NOW."

I groaned.

**Legolas Stalker: **ok screw that idea…

**MartySam99: **Grounded?

**Legolas Stalker: **yep

**MartySam99: **That sucks.

**Legolas Stalker: **ya. i g2g, but I'll talk to you in like… 2 weeks

**MartySam99: **Have fun:D

**Legolas Stalker: **shut up

**I shut off the computer, threw myself onto my bed, and turned on the TV to watch Jerry Springer.**

**"LAURA. No TV either!"**

Blast.

I sighed and stared at the blank screen. Two weeks without computer or TV. Two weeks of Orlando deprivation. My eyes slipped to the "Pirates of the Caribbean" DVD case lying on the floor. I smirked.

I could wait.

Aww, it's over. For now. Bwahahaha. Yes, I'm thinking about going back on my promise of not writing more MS's and making a sequel. Woohoo! Anyways, I just wanted to thank y'all for supporting me for 2 years. It's been fab. Mucho lurve, homeslice!

**_!Laura!_**

P.S. If you ever want to get in touch with me, my AIM screenname is Veelagirl04. I'm online most of the


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